neurotic brain farts

pair.

2009-01-28T15:28:00.002-06:00

when i found ric-- when i find a guy. my heart jumps.

it’s small, but it’s there. it’s a feeling. a rush of blood. the excitement of something new; someone who actually catches my interest. its not often someone will catch my attention. i’m not a man hung up on looks, status, or any other conventional symptom of “mate.”

it needs to be an immediate feeling; a rush, a connection, an Energy-- perks up my eyes, sound becomes clearer, touch hot, skin flushed. it’s a small hit of a wonderful drug.

I don’t like bars, pride events, huge gatherings; I'm too sensitive. the rush of feeling and thoughts streaming out from a bar is enough to keep me from going inside. walking into a gay bar is even worse-- suffocating with smells, bass, attitude. and the crowds are not usually of people who i would consider dating material; as in austin, i don’t find shaved college kids “attractive.”

this can make life a little difficult.

it’s hard to meet a guy. i don’t feel like i’m picky, nor do i feel like i’m asking for a lot. and in actuality, i don’t even know that i want a boyfriend ever again, or a relationship for that matter.

but sometimes, just sometimes, it gets lonely.

i don’t sit around in a robe eating buckets of ice cream, but i do have moments where i’ll catch myself staring at the wall, and realize i’m feeling it.

for as independent and self assured as i am, in a house that’s not even big, a room can seem cavernous, a couch desolate, a bed torturous.

i don’t sit around cutting myself, nor is this an every day thing. it’s a fleeting thought, notion, feeling, that’s gone as soon as it pops into my head.

i own a home. i have two wonderful dogs. a career. great friends. incredible family. i am a happy person.

i’m just bothered; persistently nagged at by this feeling of wanting someone to get me the way i get other people.

i “get” people. i’m the one coworkers auto-gravitate to with life problems. family comes to me rather than my parents to work out issues. friends and loved ones seek me out for my thoughts on matters.

just once. just once. i want to be on the receiving end of that.

i want to know someone- a man- romantically, who “gets” me the way i “get” other people. because that never happens. bri, she gets me, but even then, not all of the time (99%). it would be nice to have a guy get me even a quarter (25%) of the way she does.

but even then, it seems to be asking a lot.

ric was great. he understood me in the way that he “understood” what buttons to push and how to talk to me to make me think he got me and understood how i worked. but in the end, manipulation isn’t a substitute for a genuine understanding of a person, that’s just knowing the mechanics without understand the principles behind them.

i was so unhappy with him because as much as i reasoned his manipulations off as “understanding,” no matter how hard i tried to convince myself of it, emotionally, i knew it was nothing more than manipulations.

i know i’m not an easy act to follow around. i’m logical, but emotional, pragmatic but goofy, spiritual but not religious, a fighter but a pacifist. all these odd combinations that i know when most guys take a look at get them confused. “how can you be this way, but act that way,” or “believe this, but act that.”

that’s just the way i am. it’s the way i’ve always been. it maddens people because i’m not easily categorized. and i get that; why do you want to keep people around that you have no idea what they are capable.

i have a small group of friends. they tend to be people that have similar stories or styles of communication to mine. but even then, i know there are times when i’ll say something that most people look at me with a look of complete bewilderment. i don’t feel bad when they do, i just get discouraged.

so i keep myself measured, i rarely let anyone see all of me. there are two people in this world that i could say with complete assurance that i know have seen the “real” me; i was in the womb of one, and the other is my best friend.

but going around being only “part-me” isn’t easy. i take sabbaticals-- reprises during the year to ground myself and recharge. i spend so much time being emotionally open and available to people, that i take time to turn inward to renew my stores of Energy.

it’s hard not to wonder, “what would it be like.” what would it be like to have that level of report with someone, that I’m attracted to in *that* way-- cause i can’t honestly say i’ve had the occasion to to know what it’s like.

to be in a choreographed dance of life-- day in and day out, complementing each other in form and function, reflecting light.

to understand as well as be understood.

a part of a pair.

difficulty

2008-12-28T22:11:00.004-06:00

we met 4 years ago, it was a one night stand and he came to me. it was in my apartment that first night that i knew "god this is the guy" and the sex that night.... was amazing (and from someone that by 23 when we had met had had enough experience to know when it was amazing). we tapped into something in each other that i had never had with any of the dozens upon dozens (ok lets be honest, hundreds) of those before, and i the same for him. but he was just out of a bad relationship, one that affected ours profoundly, and after that night, we had no contact.

we met up twice more over 8 months. each time, only to disappear again.

then that night. i walked into rainbow cattle company, and there as i stood alongside my friends, i glanced over my shoulder to the left, and as i whipped back, he caught my eye. my heart... stopped. i stared forward, intent on my nonchalance, remembered that i had to breathe, and let out an audible gasp.

"shit."

santiago turns to me and in hushed concern, asks, "what?"

"ric. shit."
"daddy ric?"
"yea. shit."
"where?"
"2 o'clock. shit"
"he smiled at me."
"shit."

and when i saw those eyes, the ones i couldn't look into that first night we met cause i was so humbled that this incredibly handsome man was in my home, and that smile, the one i would only end up missing now, from that moment on, we were inseparable.

and the good times. they were good. they were amazing. we were laughter, smiles... we were what each other were waiting for. he was my dream, come to life. walking, breathing, flesh. his skin, the pelt of fur resting rightly on his torso, those eyes, his lips, the taste of him in the morning, the feel of him in my mouth, at night- security. like no other.

and lets not kid. the sex, i had had sex. lots of it. i was ACTIVE before we met. and he knew, affected him? "no, of course not." but behind that look, doubt.

but our sex... our lovemaking... our fucking... all of it.... epic. we brought out the primal in each other. it was with him, in those intimate moments, that i became, more, a person i had never encountered before. the preening, breeding horse hidden, i opened myself to things i never thought of, but had always wanted, fantasies to reality. what more could one want?

to erase the 1% of bad times.

because despite the peaks of those mountains, there for are the valleys.

in those moments when it was so dark, what could we do. we fought for it. we yelled for it. we cried for it. we held each other through it. we tried everything to keep it together, because to each of us, the threat of loss.... the threat of loss can maim. keep hearts, senses, touch, minds-- at bay, till you're unsure what it is you're doing exactly.

where do all of these tiny scars left behind lead us? how do you rebuild trust, etched at over time, by the stupid, by the words unbridled and hurled in anger, by the guilt, by the fear, by the love.

stalemate. we'd danced our dance, a dark bacchanal. though back together, a functioning unit, beneath- red eyes.

both of us, exhausted, our armor heavy, and inside, tender and bruised, we were quick to snap. but was that it? what if it was more. what if all i'd been feeling for so long, and all he'd claimed to have accepted, what if that was all trying to tell us something.

and so, a month after our anniversary, and days before he turned 48, i ended our relationship.

i had to let him go. we had stopped growing. there are three of us in a relationship, him, me, us. none were growing. we had stopped, complacent and comfortable in the sun and the moon, we had just....stopped. and though the motions kept at it, inside, i knew something had to change. you weren't happy. i wasn't happy.

"so then, that's our dream, to be happy."
"to being happy."

do you remember?

you will never read this. anger like ours blinds.

i pray for you quietly in the moments- still- where a glance becomes a memory, and i remember your voice. i remember your smell. i remember our love.

happy birthday rickie, i love you and miss you so much it kills.

(c. 10/17/2007)

i think i need to schedule a therapy appointment

2008-09-27T22:13:00.003-05:00

and here's why....

the more i think about it, the more upset i get:

should one's political beliefs, affect the relationship people have with each other.

notice i say people and not family. i am just that kind of person that can see my family that way; yes, we are a family and i love and adore each and every member of my family to no end and would do anything for them, thick or thin. but. at a certain point, in the course of one's life, you come to have indelible values and rights to life, that you deem to be your self truths. and though you're family; we are all just people, and adults at that, because that's what people say to mean "individuals on their own doing their thing regardless of others," thank you therapy.

so here's the thing. i was on the front page of the daily texan declaring how it was wrong of the government and anyone in this world to look down upon me and judge me less than because i am gay. i organized that entire event, i'm in a picture under a rainbow, and i talked about how difficult it is sometimes to just pretend its allright and live you're life, when you know you have to wait to have certain things given to you because of your sexual orientation. i have to wait- to be told i'm allowed to see a sick husband in the hospital, because though we've been together 20 some odd years, but aren't legally married, am not allowed to see him? that i can be released from my position in more than a dozen states in the US because of no other reason than my sexual orientation, and have no recourse whatsoever, because as in texas, it is not illegal to do so? that my family i have with my husband should not receive the same treatment from the IRS, the government and insurance agencies?

at what point, do the people who believe that it is ok to segregate a segment of the population, including me, and reduce me to a "less than;" to label me not enough to deserve those rights, at what point, is it all right to say, "i'm fed up with it, and i'm not going to be just 'ok' with it anymore."

and it aggravates me to no end. because what does that say in the end. what does denying that mean in the end to the person. in them, is the core belief, that it is wrong. that what i do, and who i am at a core level of existence in this world- is wrong.

that is not ok.

and i want to yell at them and scream about it and ask, ask what it is that disturbs them so much about it. about me and who i am.

and no i am not saying that i am only gay. i am a man. a single man who works to provide for himself and his home, and his own family. for his kids, and in the while, providing and working towards a better life, not bothering anyone, and helping where i can. i am a man, who happens to be gay.

what of it.

how is it such a small aspect of who i am detracts and makes me a person who is not equal in the eyes of others; desperate and as hyperbolic as that sounds, rife with self loathing and self pity as some could take it-- it is anything but. it is growing up in this world, aware of being gay by the time i was 12, and knowing always, that no matter how happy i was and no matter how much i made for myself in this world, i would always be second class in America; where the minority and unenlightened- the unaware, the plain ignorant- are able to dictate what it is that is right for the majority, and deem it appropriate to treat me with disrespect, by holding these beliefs, and decide for me what i should have in my life, or deny outright, and/or instead provide me an alternative to satiate the distaste from being denied basic liberties.

i worked for 2 years in college to make it a worse punishment to commit a vicious act on another person based on their race, gender, or sexuality.

i had to work for that- work for it. it is impossible to convey the anger, the indignation, to think that there are those out there to think it is OK to commit a crime based on hate- OK to leave a gay man to die in the middle of rural wyoming, beaten and bloody- left to die, hung like a scarecrow on a desolate fence post. to drag a black man from a tow hitched to a pick-up down a dirt road in Texas- until he died from losing too much blood. he was alive the entire time- the entire three miles of the dragging- until a pot hole finally severed the head he had tried to keep up the full three miles. he lost his arm as well. and the three men that did it did it because they "hated" him for the color of his skin.

it is simply not ok with me. it goes against everything i am and who i am in this world.

perverse as it is, i want someone to just stand in front of me and look me in the eyes and tell me to my face, i don't think you should be able to get married, because you are gay. that entire sentence word for word. what that would accomplish or give me or prove, i could not tell you. but at some point; i want to at least believe that such ignorance really does exist, and i'm not just making it all up in my head.

and as much as i know in my heart of hearts that everyone is allowed to believe in what they chose to believe in, and having studied religions and cultures i know what it is to accept that i believe what i believe, and others believe what they believe, and in those beliefs we actually have much in common.

but. when those beliefs conflict on such a basic level with my own, i cannot but pause and take stock of what that means to me, and the relationship i have with people who debate with themselves and in the end choose those beliefs.

and so, at the end of the day, and the over-neurotic dialogue in my head, i'm left in in an uncomfortable position; at what point is it just not ok to be placid and act like it's completely acceptable to believe in and want those kind of beliefs deciding what i can and can't do with my life.

so endeth the tonight's perturbing mind fuck and consuming thoughts. good night.

writings and connections

2008-07-06T19:07:00.003-05:00

i was never a great student.

i wasn’t honor roll, or recognized, or even a nerd. i was just there. usually b’s and c’s with an occasional ‘a’ thrown in for good measure. it was never about me not being able to grasp or do the material; it was more so that i just didn’t care. there was nothing that they could put in a book and make me read that i couldn’t learn quicker than the rate at which they were teaching it.
i just wasn’t a school person. period.

so i joined groups; lots of them. anything and everything, as long as it was creative and didn’t involve any kind of homogenized, regurgitated, force-fed verbal diarrhea, slapdash cookery coming from the spout of a teacher who didn’t want to be there any more than i did. band, orchestra, prose, writing, poetry - anything that i could be creative in and express myself; i was there. anything to get away from the daily round up and slaughter.

i loved english. HATED reading, unless it was of complete interest to me. i could care less for anything british, i'll say that. all crap. once you've read the language and know it, it all becomes pretentious.

what did catch my interest?

lois duncan. she had a series of books. all dealing in the paranormal. not ghosts and goblins, but of people gifted with abilities. people with prescient and telekinetic abilities- all kinds, and always centered around a female character as the lead, who was either a strong dynamic individual or became one. i remember in the 7th grade i finished two dozen or so of them in a month; the teachers were amazed, the parents thought i was on drugs, and i, i sat in my room devouring them and just idling at the thought of being special.

more so, i was surprised, i could sit still for more than 30 minutes. another one i read repeatedly was a book of tales, lore, and legends in and around mexico and the area where i grew up in south texas. like "la llorona," the woman in white who walked along cliffs crying out for the baby she gave up thinking her husband was cheating on her. of the dark man who prayed on innocent women, coaxing them to dance on the dirt floors of the old haciendas and ballrooms of south texas, and how they would spin and spin even when the music stopped, till in all the dust, they disappeared and the woman was never seen again.

over and over and over...

and i was good at writing. i loved it. i soaked up words everywhere. i remember the thrill of learning modicum, phoneme and sesquipedalian. and when the spelling list would come out every week, i'd always go to the last in the list, just so i was the first to learn the long complicated words. i loved it.

i read books i didn't understand at all. just to come across words to learn. i was never a dictionary guy, but i understood just by reading it what the words meant and my vocabulary grew fast.
i fell madly in love with words and language. the more lyrical, the more poignant, the more driven in character and stamina the words were, the more i loved them.

i won contests for my writing. i remember winning my mom a gift pack from dillards when i was in 3rd grade for mother's day from a letter we wrote in school. she still has and wears the "love" earrings she won, and i'm pretty sure she has the letter that won along with everything in that gift pack, wrapping, boxes and all.

i won poetry contests in middle school, and free form writing uil events, the prose and improv events as well.

and even with all the accolades i was a very quiet, keep to myself, not a lot of friends loner guy who just never got the people around him. how they could live with being "just adequate," but to fit in, and how desperate i was to just not be looked at, i did anything i could to be what they would consider normal. i didn't answer every question the teacher asked. i slacked off on purpose to not be a nerd. i never looked at boys and did everything i could to not pay them more attention than the girls.

and of course, i only had girlfriends.

i was painfully aware of what i wanted to be and act like, but i did just the opposite. where i grew up, it was latino guys, the kind that work the fields and were either a cholo or gangster. all of em where of some derivative, and in a place like the valley, where it's 99% mexican and a 10 minute walk to mexico, the air of heightened machismo and the energy of do proper and act proper or else stifled; i just didn't want to endure more than i put myself through. hypercritical and creative, i tore myself knew ones all the time. i could not help but live by how others perceived me. i couldn't. not when walking down the hallways someone ALWAYS got shoved for being different, or picked on for some reason or another.

so i kept quite.

but not when it came to writing. that was my pride and joy, no one could take it away from me. i didn't care what they thought about that.

when put to writing for a school assignment, i looked up everything i could, learned whatever words i had to to make it sound how i knew in my head i would sound if i were the person i wanted to be.

how sad is that? but i was 12, what did i know?

i knew that it was mine. no matter what. but when it came to doing it on my own, to be creative in my own right, with no reason other than to create, nothing ever came.

i could sit and try to create something, but the harder i tried the more infelicitous and stifled it came out. everything awkward and gawky as i must of looked to others. and no matter how hard i tried, it just wouldn't come out ...right.

i graduated 127 out of 644. i would of been 56 if i hadn't failed a class (pre-calculus, the teacher and i hated each other). but i always got A's in english. and with all the activities and achievements i got into UT.

when i moved to austin was the first time i ever wrote something. something that was of me, but not from me.

one night, about a year of living on my own here in austin, having come out a bit more than my stilted coming out in the Valley (back home). i was being at least a considerable bit more myself.

fuck that, i later became the head of the oldest gay organization at UT. AND lectured at sex ed classes at different colleges, a panel member at various events, and even on the front page of the Daily Texan, the nations largest and highest circulated college daily newspaper, which i still have copies of. and i was proud of it too.

but back to being 19. i had just found out this puerto rican guy i'd been dating was actually involved with someone else. he was 25 at the time. and i was crushed (they broke up last year).

i sat outside one night, around 1 am. i just sat there. i had an empty spiral notebook and was on a bench on this elevated porch on the top of a hill. moon was full, the pool was below me and i just sat there and stared. i just sat there for about 2 hours. just sat there staring off and thinking. it was quiet, so unusually quiet. the normally busy streets across the complex were still, all you could hear was the bowing of the land to the wind that filled the night; light as it was, everything kept still; so very still. and i sat there being still with it.

i would quiet my mind for a bit, but then little spurts of thoughts and absolving of what was. really looking at it and examining it and letting it all go, and when i was done i would just sit, till something else came up in my mind that i felt i needed to do "something" with.

till i was finally done. how did i know? do you ever have that really deep nap where after you wake up, it seems like you’ve just had a weeks worth of sleep, your mind is completely clear, your vision feels sharper, your ears perk up just a bit more than usual; that feeling?

i opened up my notebook and started writing. about 14 pieces in all. the early works i’ve come to call them. and as i sat there, done writing, and strangely refreshed. i went inside and fell quick to sleep.

i had never slept better.

and that morning, drinking my coffee i reread what i wrote. and didn't recognize a word. i read them thinking "i wrote this? really?" and i read them and thought, "is that me?" i didn't remember a single word of what had been put down on that page.

i knew i wrote them, but i didn't really "think" them. it was my notebook, in the ink of that one pen that took me an hour to pick out (i'm incredibly picky when it comes to pens), my cursive, my odd e, and my odd melded shorthand. i sat there looking at them, and knew they had sort of just "come out." and all these distinct Beings, conjured of something i was feeling at the time, manifested on the page, and instinctively, i knew they were of me.

and that's how it goes for me. i can't really sit down and task myself to write something. it kinda just happens on its own.

i'll put my hands down into an old pair of jeans, or open up a book bag i haven't used in a while, or find a pocket on something long dumped in a silent corner, and often times i'll pull out random pieces of paper. each time a thought or a line. something that in my head had manifested in a quiet monologue watching cars pass as i sit idly in traffic.

sometimes trite little things, something that at the time surmounted enough interest in my mind that i thought it befitted a permanent life.

i still do in fact. pen. paper. pencil. sometimes none of the above. i have done more with the outside of styrofoam cups than most.

not so much for a period of time, and these days, it happens infrequently.

as of late though, i've had a lot more to think about. there have been slivers of substantial observations, but the need to write them down, is less.

perhaps something is brewing.

on a visit to atlanta, a friend and mentor tasked me to reading "the art of the sword." i'd spent a great deal of time talking to him about what i had come to understand about the world; my truths. what i believed in spiritually, and what that meant for my life. how i had come to understand what had happened, in order to be who i was, and the trouble of that path.

there was a passage that talked about dis-ease. i found it interesting that this translation from a japanese text, centuries old, took to the distinction in writing the term as, dis-ease. i'd learned that when there is something not said or felt or owned or understood in ones psyche, chi, aural, or emotional plains, it manifests itself in the body as dis-ease. it is the state of the body not being at ease with itself; a blockage that allows for the manifestation of dis-ease.

as i read, it took time to understand the book's thought on dis-ease. i knew it resonated, that there was something there in the text that i understood to be true. but i had a difficult time ascertaining from the translation the observations about Art and Life the Sword Masters were trying to ensure got passed down to the artisans of the sword to come.

the difficulty of the passage is to blame for my inability to conjure it at the moment for a true explanation. but in it, the Master talked about being humble in the awareness of the gifts one possesses.

the Master, mindful of his skill, never fought for the sake of the fight; a resolution was not at the tip of the sword. he spoke that in the mind is a space, where one can come to understand themselves, in allowing the quiet to manifest. the Master was not a man of violence, most were Zen in their approach of the sword. they would requite stories of monks and Buddhist teachers.
a story tells of a master alone in a apple orchard, blossoms around, and him at the ground in quite repose, atop his bent legs, a lone apprentice standing behind him, attending his Master.

there in the hush, they had come to reflect. the Masters talked of dis-ease being the forcing of the sword; to be clumsy and unaware of the sword as a being, an extension of oneself, as if to treat it simply as an instrument, of final means, to final ends. the Masters believed, one was to be humble at the presence of the sword, to allow it to guide and pull and teach what it intends upon the student. in those teachings come balance, and awareness. and in the end, humility and peace. to completely be at peace, to "Seek the released mind [mencius]," was to achieve Greatness.

in achieving Greatness, Masters could end armies, and were given treasures and accolades by kings and governments; more often, they would seek recluse, done with the dirtiness of politics.
and it was said they could sense the enemy; sense the energy of the world around them, and from that pick up the enemy, before the enemy could strike. this was to be at One with the Spirit.

and in their walk back to the grounds of the master, the Master spoke to his student; asked if there was any sight of foe as he stood guard in the orchard. the student responded that he did not, but hesitated. the Master continued, and hoped that the student had devised a decisive, one strike blow capable of taking his Master. the student stood silent and stunned; a fleeting thought, he had wondered if he could engage his master there in the orchard, and his Master, picked up on the energy of a passing thought.

i understood the idea. i knew what they were talking about, i'd watched enough television and bared witness to enough pop culture to understand the peacefulness of the "masters" of film and screen. but this was a deeper understanding of it.

then, an awareness; i equated the art of the sword, to the art of writing, and i understood. reading the passage, the further i got into it, the more examples it began to give; last of which was writing.

my writing is far and few between. i am not someone who can sit down and write, that is not a particular talent. i was not blessed with that ability. i know many who are and i often sit in awe and admiration at what they are able to create. these testimonials of their own lives, their journey and experience. mine is a personal art that i use to mediate the needs and thoughts in this particular manifestation of Spirit.

i cannot will something into creation. it must be of its own nature; serving as an open channel, that i am to work and make ready. learning about myself, being in therapy, being aware of who i am and the Spirit inside of me and the purposes we are meant to complete here on this trip.

the more effort i exert in it's creation, the more harsh and stilted. but when i feel the mood, a good week and a good alignment of the stars, it will come out naturally, coinciding with how ever i feel at the moment, but without thinking of it or how it makes me feel, but just letting it "Be," and for lack of a better word, letting it "exist." in it's own space and it's own time, in the infinite loop of time.

it is, and will always be, what it is.

my influence? accept and embrace, and put onto it what i can, positive energy in the form of visualization, prayer; be in a state of benevolence and gratitude. be aware of the fact, that i am creating my own reality in the space of what i know to be my own personal truths. i am who i am, a being that is to be free of self-woven trappings, false egos and expectations of who i think i need to be, and just exist as who i am with no judgments of myself or others. to let go of any residual anger and jealousy that i unknowingly hold on to, and grow aware in the issues in my Spirit i continue to work on and resolve.

in forcing creation, it cannot manifest itself in it's entirety. thought prevents the channel of the Universe in the Spirit.

kai - jo - e // the three basic stages a Buddhist monk studies and works through on their path to enlightenment.

kai, is the observance of precepts set up for discipline.

jo, is the mental concentration for achieving a Zen state.

e, is the awakening to the wisdom of the lord Buddha.

"Rectifying oneself by being sincere inside- this is jo. Jo is evidenced by quietness. when there is quietness there is truthfulness. without truthfulness, there cannot possibly be jo.

when it manifests itself outwardly as action, it is called kai. Kai is not doing forbidden things. when something is forbidden, respect comes into being. without respect, there cannot possibly be any rule of conduct.

if you teach others, with an awareness of this, they will obey and follow you.

that is called, e. E is born of Brightness. Brightness is born of Wisdom. without Wisdom, there cannot possibly be E." - Chugan Engetsu

uh... oh... hi there...

2007-06-23T12:25:00.000-05:00

so no news as of late, other than my HOUSE BEING BROKEN INTO! but that's for another time. at the moment, just discovered the following while surfing this morning... no duh that i'm a fan of heroes, and that i've known milo for years cause of gilmore girls, and i never found him attractive... but now...
BA-DOW! hi there...grrrwlllll.....

does this mean i can't vote hillary?

2007-06-03T12:27:00.000-05:00

so, shit head it going out but i honestly haven't been paying attention to anything presidential. i pretty much figured, "i'm voting hillary, a lesbian president? wonderful!" but now, obama has actually made an "official statement" on his website regarding to gay pride month that is going on now for those not in the know. it reads:

"Obama Statement on Pride Month

"Pride Month is a reminder that while we have come a long way since the Stonewall riots in 1969, we still have a lot of work to do.

"Too often, the issue of LGBT rights is exploited by those seeking to divide us. But at its core, this issue is about who we are as Americans. It's about whether this nation is going to live up to its founding promise of equality by treating all its citizens with dignity and respect.

"It's time to turn the page on the bitterness and bigotry that fill so much of today's LGBT rights debate. The rights of all Americans should be protected -- whether it's at work or anyplace else.

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" needs to be repealed because patriotism and a sense of duty should be the key tests for military service, not sexual orientation. Civil unions should give gay couples full rights. And those who commit hate crimes should be punished no matter whether those crimes are committed on account of race, religion, gender identity, or sexual orientation.

"This Pride Month, let's make our founding promise of equality a reality for every American."

Wow, i totally have a ragin' mad on for this guy now. woof papa, you can protect my rights anyday.

for da boys

2007-05-27T21:08:00.000-05:00

seeing as how i left that depressing post on "don't ask don't tell" post up for so long, i thought i should atone, and instead do lighter fare.

in that vien, i have been taking a lot of pictures of the boys lately. for instance:

that would be miccah and me. he got way comfortable one night and got all spread eagle on me. he felt very pilsburryish to me so i poked him and made the "hoohoo" noise, he didn't wake up or even flinch. i love my big dumb jock. notice marly on the floor to the right. no matter what, he always must be by me. not afraid to admit either, but, he's my favorite. me and him, we just get each other.

marly realizing daddy wasn't on the bed anymore. miccah of course remains passed out. i've gotten into the really bad habit of letting them sleep on the bed with me. most of the time, it's fine, save for the fact that once they start sleeping, moving around on my own bed requires moving two 40 pound sacks of potatoes out of my friggin' way. the boys love riding around the car with the windows down. they politely switch windows every so often. this is marly. he will ride around for hours in this exact position. miccah on the other hand, will run back and forth barking his head off if he sees anything move anywhere near the car. alert the townspeople, dad's no longer in bed! aren't they just the handsomest boys.
oh mikey.

don't ask don't tell

2007-03-01T08:22:00.000-06:00

so the first marine injured in iraq has come out and now the whole don't ask don't tell debacle is back in the forefront of the news.

oh good for you mr. marine, here's your pat on the back. oh and that line of millions of people that are already out and live their life as a queer american, oh and those hundreds of openly gay and lesbian military members that serve out and despite the protests of american congress, could you pat them on the back for me, i'm all out of pats today.

bitter much? yes. thank you.

i did a 20 page report on this in college. i literally called congress and requested a copy of the policy (a book about an inch and a half thick) and read, front to back, the "don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue, don't harass" fiasco of an american policy.

it was pure bullcrap.

i could picture a bull somewhere, blindfolded and scared, with "CIA" or "FBI" or "Property of Congress" stamped on it, on a conveyor belt, popping out his tail end, oodles of copies of this "policy."

it kinda makes me giggle.

along with the policy i read about 100 first hand accounts of how exactly the policy puts in danger out and closeted service members alike, and how it even put those of the straight persuasion in danger. all in the name of "unit cohesiveness."

of course i tore apart most every part of the policy with testimonials and medical affidavits. but still, 5 years later, and almost 15 years after it's induction, we are still revisiting this damn issue.

did you know in the UK and places like Ireland, when they lifted their bans on gays in the military, their armed forces actually GREW. and that the soldiers were all pretty ok with serving along side gays and lesbians (even in the shower! SHOCKING! gays are normal people?! really!?).

and story on top of story about how the change was for the better.

but oh no, not in america, home of the redneck. i guess we just have to wait a few more years.

but honestly, what could be better than having open service members in the military. i can just imagine the unit cohesiveness then:

"shit, we're getting fired at, quick! everyone save the gay! he's the only one willing to give out head! get him inside and away from the fire, let's go guys!"

psycho

2007-01-29T19:54:00.000-06:00

therapy, that's right i said it.

i saw a new therapist today. he's an older man, a "father figure" if you will.

it was really wonderful. i felt deep down when i was talking to him that "here is this man, who's older, and knows more than i do, who is coming off like he's truly interested in what i have to say and feel," and that just made me open up to him even more and made me feel like i could really be honest. it was incredible. i feel like this could really be a good thing for me in the long run.

i talked about my past and growing up. he said he din't know how to start, and i said i hadn't quite figured that out yet either. so i started with the "key players," the ones who will always show up in a story one way or another.

the hubby, the parents, brianna, santi.

the key players.

then lots of exposition. what led up to me being in his office.

and then lots of storytelling. chapter one has started.

who knows how many chapters there will be.

but can any of us really change who we are.

i think i just threw up in my mouth a little

2007-01-28T19:48:00.000-06:00

does anyone else have this problem whenever you hear bush's voice?

just wondering.

texas size barbie

2007-01-27T19:45:00.000-06:00

the story: we're in bed, we just watched a 20/20 special, and one of the commentators was a doctor with my name:

me: you know, dr. jaime gonzalez has a nice ring to it.
hubby: yea? so does featured female impersonator jaime gonzalez.

jaimilicious

2007-01-26T08:42:00.000-06:00

so... i decided time to take the forum in the direction of music.

kt tunstall:

everyone knows her for black horse and the cherry tree. soooooooooo not the full scope of her music. get "heal over," a simple love song in the style of cyndi lauper, sam phillips, eva cassidy, even a tint of joni mitchell. two guitars and a drum set, but beautiful.

heal over -
w. kt tunstall

it isn't very difficult to see why
you are the way you are
it doesn't take a genius to realize
that sometimes life is hard

it's gonna take time
but you'll just have to wait
your gonna be fine
but in the meantime

come over here, lady
let me wipe your tears away
come a little nearer, baby
cause you'll heal over,
heal over
heal over someday

and i don't wanna hear you tell yourself
that these feelings are in the past
you know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
because pain is built to last

everybody sails alone
oh but we can travel side by side
even if you fail
you know that no one really minds

come over here, lady
let me wipe your tears away
come a little nearer, baby
cause you'll heal over,
heal over
heal over someday

don't hold on
but don't let go
i know it's so hard
you've got to try to trust yourself
i know it's so hard, so hard

come over here, lady
let me wipe your tears away
come a little nearer, baby
cause you'll heal over,
heal over
heal over someday

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Janis Ian

A beautiful singer reminiscent of tenille, clear voiced like sarah mclachlan, writing of joni mitchell and oh, allison krauss, that higher octave but full forced and plush voice you never get tired of listening to.

get "at seventeen," and imagine sitting alone in your room in high school dealing with your self imposed exhile or removal from the "cool" people.

at seventeen
w. janis ian

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
and high school girls with clear skinned smiles
who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth
And those of us with ravaged faces
lacking in the social graces
desperately remained at home
inventing lovers on the phone
who called to say – come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
whose name I never could pronounce
said – Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
The rich relationed hometown queen
marries into what she needs
with a guarantee of company
and haven for the elderly
Remember those who win the game
lose the love they sought to gain
in debentures of quality and dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
exceeds accounts received at seventeen
To those of us who knew the pain
of valentines that never came
and those whose names were never called
when choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
when dreams were all they gave for free
to ugly duckling girls like me
We all play the game, and when we dare
we cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
that call and say – Come dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
at ugly girls like me, at seventeen

nothing interesting

2007-01-25T22:26:00.000-06:00

so i was thinking today, though i've started this whole writing everyday thing, that i haven't sit down and written any poetry in a very long time.

peculiar.

i'd expound on the subject but alas i'm more worn out than george michael after a bender.

nyc, the final chapter

2007-01-24T15:46:00.000-06:00

and now ladies and queers, nyc... el tril-ogie...

(fuzzy night)

(nyc, night 1)

(nyc, night 2)

(nyc, night 3)

(nyc, night 4)

(nyc, night 5)

(my time in nyc part 1)

(wtf)

(self, over nyc)

family time

2007-01-23T19:12:00.000-06:00

so i know i promised NYC pics, or more appropriately, "jaime couldn't stop taking pictures of himself in the mirror at empire state so he's got about 2 dozen photos of him in slightly different positions."

but who wants to see nyc, when you could see Brandon, my new nephew.

(cold!)
(smile)

(smile 2)

(oh oh oh!)

(hi dad!)

you want a slicker?

2007-01-22T16:33:00.000-06:00

if you were in the know, you'd totally think the title was funny.

anyways...

randomness

-two days of sun in austin. and both days i've been indoors. woo.

-i've been working alone all day, and i'm pretty sure i'll be doing the same manana. booooooored.

-santi hasn't posted in days. and he thought i became unavailable when i got married. my my my now aren't the high heels on the other foot.

-i have more pictures of new york. mainly like 20 of me in the empire state building. they are forthcoming.

-brianna darling, i'm sorry for not calling. i've been busy, and when not busy FUCKING LAZZZZZZZY.... come back to austin and whip my ass and shit.

-come on you know you want to.

-i love maggie gyllenhall. she was on "fresh air" on npr today. she's so amazing. if you haven't seen "happy endings" yet, you need to. you'll flip.

-the east side is so fucking ghetto. every 2 minutes another subwoofer drives by. wasn't the whole idea of the subwoofer to be all macho and shit? but now it's so homogenous it's like a car alarm, no one pays attention little dick.

-i'm so glad i wasn't born in with a little dick. i couldn't afford a pimped out ride to mask it.

-i love love love "brothers & sisters." if you saw last night's episode, was that "closeted" joke from calista not the best she has ever delivered in her entire career. her brother walks by and she puts her finger on her lips and is holding it back and you see the actual thought process of should i or shouldn't i and it was so well executed. i lauged my ass off.

now, if only she'd eat.

i don't want any of you

2007-01-21T19:42:00.001-06:00

ok. so this grease competition is on the TV.

ALL OF YOU SUCK.

saturdays post

2007-01-20T19:40:00.000-06:00

this is saturday's post.

what bitches? it's been a long week.

nyc ... the return of the dos

2007-01-19T20:57:00.000-06:00

more of wonderful new york.

(hellooooooo kitty)(my ... what a big pussy)
(thank you little baby jesus)
(bryant's other side)
(night's sharp fingers)(winter)
(guardian)
(vague)
(new york public library)
(star)
(and on and on and...)
(to the gayest construction site ever)

nyc part 1 of...however many i want biotch

2007-01-18T21:34:00.000-06:00

told you i had pictures.

and you didn't believe.

for shame.

porrrrrr quuuuueeeeee???

and now, picture time.

(the belagio)

(the night before this photo was taken was the night bush gave his speech on tv. this was a massive protest in times square. walking up and down the streets people were just standing around discussing how stupid bush was and that the war was wrong and on and on and EVERYONE hated bush, it was heaven.)

(down with the empire)

(surge)

(the wonder that is times square.)

(because it's the nasdaq biotch.)

(more square)

(and more square)

(and even more square)

(and did i mention the square?)

(protesters vs. condi)

(round 2)

(just thought it funny that les mis and spamalot were so close to each other.)

(RENT. jealous?)

(how bout now?)

(just thought, "how phallic." that white thing is this long shaft of light boxes that light up all the way to a pointy top. i'm still waiting for the money shot.)

(heart) NY

2007-01-17T19:57:00.000-06:00

so did i mention i went to new york? yea it was totally fab. and i took pictures. a lot more on another card that i still need to download, but these are the preliminary ones.

the last ones were the morning of the night i took the other ones. this was my first official night in NYC alone. this is what i saw:

(rockefeller center golden boy)
(rockefeller tower 1)

(rockefeller 2)(st. patrick's cathedral at night 1)

(st. patrick's cathedral 2)

(atlas)

(pier 92) (this is where the tradeshow took place)

(new jersey/pier 92)(yea i had no idea that was jersey)

more pics to come.

brrr

2007-01-16T22:17:00.000-06:00

Picture time!

(Xylophone)

(Malachite)

(FlowerPower)

(Cold by Nature)

(Sieve)

(Can I Come In Now?)

(Wonderland)

(Heaven)

(Patience)

(The Jester)

(Sleepy)

what's wrong with you people

2007-01-16T14:04:00.000-06:00

why is everyone down on the snow and ice.

i LOVE being forced to stay home. compared to the random hecticness that is life, it's nice to slow down, bundle up, turn up the heater, and vegetate all day long.

it's snowing in austin my friends. pictures to come this afternoon.

need some glass cut?

2007-01-15T19:52:00.000-06:00

seriously dude, my nips are frozen. it's not funny.

i have been in and out all day long. i'm now sitting, work done, in my comfy chair with my feet up watchin' tv. boycotting the whole golden globes thing. oh the gg's? on tonight? : : yawn : :

so it's cold outside. talk of the town.

i enjoy watching news coverage of cars that go sliding. say to yourself in your best fargo impersonation, "oh! they're we go sli-den" when watching, and sing the blue danube to yourself. it's a hoot!

i love being able to watch america's funniest non stop. people are idiots. and we get to watch. it's all so elizabethan, what with the head chopping and what not.

oh. what. no head chopping. still good tele.

i feel very literate sitting, typing and watching tv. carrie bradshaw with out the clothes budget.

did i mention i got to use the word microcosm in a sentence last week. i was so incredibly impressed with myself. i mean comm'on. it was microcosm. it was all very stephen hawking type of genius use of the word. well, without the drooling.

26, day one. and counting.

random spontaniety of a 26 year old

2007-01-14T09:34:00.000-06:00

today is my 26th.

at least it's not 30.

yes ladies and gentlequeers as of 8:22 am, i am officially no longer 25 years old. the big 26 is upon us. the year i was allowed to say that "i'm not a girl, not yet a woman," is over.

i am old.

or, i'm now a full grown man. everything is downhill from here.

i could be dead though, and when you're dead, it's a mess. so birthday numero 26, welcome.

and now, random spontaniety.

- new york, new york what a wonderful town. new york was absolutely spectacular. this past week was my first trip to ny and i stayed in the heart of manhattan. i had papaya hot dogs and worked my ass off; learned that next time i'm taking better footwear and more cash; h&m is the fuckin' bomb; the city, in all its messyness is beautiful; even when you get lost, you know where you are at least (get lost in new york and you'll know exactly what i mean); the men in the city are across the board with sexuality; the majority of women walk around like characters out of 'sex and the city'; cabs are nothing like they make them out to be and neither are the people.

- i am now 26. i am now 26. maybe if i keep repeating it it will make more sense.

- i'll, within a month, be in las vegas next, and then the following week be in new york. i cannot believe i have a job where i travel, enjoy my work, my industry, and my boss. CAAARAAAAZY!

- i am in the right industry. i was at the show last week and it was just amazing how it all came so easy to me. it felt right and i felt like i belonged. i have also decided after february i may be growing my hair out again.

- i am going back to healthy as soon as today is over. if anyone has great workout programs i'd love to check them out. chicken pasta and tuna until i leave for vegas.

- i have lots of photos of new york and the show. i'll post them as soon as possible.

- i may be working 2 booths on my own in las vegas. i have never been more excited. i want to show tammy how good a decision i was. honestly, when in new york, i swooped in and practically stole clients from out underneath the showroom. not that i meant to. but my natural drive and predisposition to retail made it easy.

- and finally. i think i have decided that for one full year, until my 27th bday, that i will write, on here, at least once a day. i think it's a commitment that will help me and get me to write more consistently.

we'll see what happens.

happy birthday all you cappy's out there.

hold me closer, tony danza...

2006-12-11T14:29:00.000-06:00

when i used to date (well not so much "date," as was "sleep with anything that was hot, had two legs and a nice wingwang" but that's beside the point), it was always about the time that musical tastes came into the conversation that most people were astounded (apparently) that i was a fan of the greatest decade of all time for music: the 70's.

i love, LOVE LOVE LOVE, the 70's.

but how could someone only past the cusp of 20 be into a decade before his time.

cause i'm fabulous goddamnit.

moving on.

so yea, i was totally born in the wrong era. polyester suits, the fu manchu mustaches, the afros, the discos, the skates, the clothes, the hair... the drugs, the weed?! i mean come on, throw in some spandex and platforms, and you've got my wetdream.

so i spent all weekend downloading tons of 70's classics. i'm listening to melissa manchester, "midnight blue," at the moment. it's been a nostalgic weekend. other songs on the list include, but are no limited to:

America, Carly Simon, Carole King (still love all their music to this day), blue suede, bay city rollers, free, chicago, diana ross, captain and tenille, harry chapin, heat, janis ian, freda payne, emotions, earth wind & fire, jefferson starship, janis joplin, yvonne elliman, sweet, the doors, the o'jays, the pretenders, tony ordlando and dawn, van morrison, three dog night, starland vocal band.

i know i'm such a fruit, but god, THAT was music. not the crap of today. i can't turn the radio on without hearing either (a) ghetto rap (that will be gone in a year or two, mark my words) (b) whiney voice fronted boy "rock bands" that are more pop than most of the bubble gum pop out there or (c) the person with a piano who thought it'd be "neato" to sing as falsetto as possible.

the next time i want to hear someone tell me "it was because you had a bad day" or that "you're beautiful," i'll go sledgehammer ric in the nuts and tell him to sing as he rolls around on the floor in agony. until then, STOP ASSUMING ANYONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOUR WHINEY "POETIC" CRAPILICOUS SHIT ON THE RADIO. you are and never will be comparable to either of the gibb brothers, now quit singing and go cut yourself in the tub like you know you want to.

meh.

now excuse me, abba is on and my platforms are calling from the closet.

pregnancy, god's cruel joke on women

2006-12-10T18:17:00.000-06:00

so i'm on the phone with bri one night. normal abnormal psychobabble from both of us for an hour, and she's been a bit testy. so when the subject of her and her "cycle" commences, i get to wondering, "is she pregnant."

so after a few:

"come on."
"well how late are you."
"two weeks, but come on, seriously."
"i know, seriously."
"jaimito, seriously."
"bri.... seriously."
"seriously."
"seriously."
"seriously?"
"seriously."

seriously, that's how most of our conversations are, not a lot of words, but if you were there, that was 3 days worth of arguing for most people. we're that advanced. and friggin' gorgeous, no joke.

seriously.

ANYWAYS.

seriously, back to the conversation. about half way through the 52nd "seriously?" i was wondering if she was; she'd been moody, and short with the hubby, and though our conversation, pleasant, was a bit testy on her part, so i got to wondering, "maybe you should take a test."

"oh i don't want to do that again."

"... again?"

so she at this point thought she'd told me about the first time she took one, but alas, wrong. that must of been some other gorgeous hispanic best friend you have.

so i say "ok well, do you have one now that you could take?"

"yea, i got a buy one get one free when i bought it. you know. for that other day of the year you're wondering if you've fucked up the rest of your life."

seriously.

at&t, for all your jesus needs

2006-12-09T20:21:00.000-06:00

so we're in bed the other night and ric is flipping through the channels. not so much flip as stop for a full fucking 30 seconds on a station that has anything remotely eye catching. we're talking the worst of the worst from dmovies on lifetime about a mom who's son is beating her while taking roofies and screwing the family dog who has an unatural relation with the bad boy step father to be who's sleeping with her second cousin a day before their wedding.

no joke.

seriously the taste in programming is HORRIBLE. i refine my pallet on the best of the best, and he's feasting on wife swap. oh my god who the hell watches THAT crap. it's crapilicious in it's crapitude. people PAY to advertise during this show? does no one else see the horror. oh god the horror!

moving on.

so he's flipping right, and by this time we're watching 4 shows at the same time and i'm just sitting there thinking "but does he actually understand and know what's going on?" and he decides to flip one more time and pops in on station 54.... the eternal worshipping channel or whatever it is, EWTN.

oh jesus, end it now and let my death be quick.

seriously, this woman is drolling on and on about her son, who killed someone in cold blood, is still her son and that jesus would save her and help her and that his forgiveness was eternal and how jesus would take care of her and blah blah blah. believe what you want, i'm all for jesus. god? my main man. but eternal worship channel? fuck me gently with a chainsaw please. no thank you.

then. in all seriousness of seriousness, in the bottom right hand corner, "for a personal relationship with god, call, 1-800-***-****," no way! seriously?! does jesus have a red telly, like the mayor of gotham city? that is so cool.

wait. that's all I needed? you mean i could have spared myself eons of sundays wasted in sunday school, eating stale bread, and gettin' hopped up on the blood of christ, (by the way, jesus? lay off the chardonnay man, you're tastin' kinda funky there bud), and not to mention the humiliation of the hokie pokie you call confirmation, and baptism? hello, water, cold, baby, me, no. i could have forgone all that for a 1-800 number direct line to a relationship with jesus?

bless you EWTN in all your infinite godlinessess. you're awesome. primo on the direct line to god.

the genius that is family guy

2006-12-09T17:34:00.000-06:00

ok first this then we'll move on.

i love family guy. sure, it's all fart jokes, physical comedy, stupid/obscure/retarded references that sometimes last too long but are still funny and basically imaginative diahrea with occasional musical breaks, but it's all genius.

why you ask?

because, only family guy could do a reference to one of the greatest moments of all times.

not a lot of people probably get the hilarity and finer nuances of one episode featuring stewie, see above, decided to define "cool." and in doing so, performs his rendition of elton john's classic, "rocketman." now i love the song. and when i first saw the thing, i just knew. and so, stewie performed william shatner performing elton john.

tv gold.

and now i present both. because the world needs more people like shatner, he and his greatness, astound and mesmerize.

and stewie just kicks ass.

meditation on mediation

2006-11-20T08:24:00.000-06:00

so something wild has happened this year. i'm not going home for thanksgiving.

actually, i'm spending it in austin with the hubby and our little group of people and family.

it has gone over.... well interestingly with the family.

namely, mr. jaime took a stand.

see, every year it seems my family can't make a decision one way or another without fucking everything up and making it all more complicated than it has to be. and who's the one that always rushes in and tries to fix everything?

that's right.

so this year, i had enough.

every year it seems someone needs someone to help get one person or another one place or another. and i always end up sleeping on a floor or a couch.

not this year.

so my ma calls a few nights ago. the sis is heading into austin THURSDAY MORNING and she needs a way to get down to mcallen.

guess who got volunteered to do so.

or they can all come up to austin and spend thanksgiving in bastrop.

wha wha whaaaat?

well this year, after inviting everyone in july to come up to the house in bastrop and then getting this phone call a WEEK BEFORE THANKSGIVING mr. jaime had enough.

i was pissed. i got on my phone and basically bitched out my sister on her voicemail for about 10 minutes straight, made my mother cry at one point, and had to get a counciling session with the hubby in order for me to get rid of the overridding guilt and anger i was beating myself over the head with.

BUT.

lisa STILL hasnt' called me (did i tell you she went to dallas under the assumption she was going to training but actually went with a man and shrugged off the training all together, and still hasn't called me since?)(or since the voicemail?). my ma got over it rather quickly, and went to my little brother to get him to help.

so my brother will come and spend a night with me, and i always enjoy hangin' out with him cause lets face it, pot heads are rarely ever bored. and me and him are gonna just relax and catch up. he drives back home the next day with my sister.

i also made it very clear that my mom and family had a week to come up with plans for xmas cause i ain't going to be the gay mediator any more.

mr. fix everything is closed for fucking business my friend.

and you know, yea, it's harder now with well everything. i'm basically married, with 4 kids, THREE of which are handicapped (in the special way not the put my hand in a waffle iron way), i've got a career, a store, and an online business, AND sub at work for the hubby when he needs an assistant. it's not just that my life is well ... now a life, and i'm always busy and rarely have a day off, but it's the inconsideration for the fact that out of 4 children and 6 people in my family, that i'm always the one that's made or convinced that it is my job to make sure holidays go well, that we're all together for gatherings and that everyone is well taken care of.

where does everyone else fit into this picture? why isn't my older brother rushing in with offers of assistance. why isn't my sister the one on the phone with me and my mother trying to arrange HER plans and methods of travel so that she can be where she wants to be? why isn't my little brother running in with solutions and resolutions.

because i'm the gay one, and the gays always make happy.

well this gay is done with all that. and guilt, being that man made synthetic emotion, now is my only obstacle. because where as i still feel a tinsy bit of guilt over how all this went over, i'm still the one that has 4 jobs, a kid and a husband, and i just can't drop all that for a fucking turkey who 5 hours previous was getting fisted.

and I? well i just have to let out a long happy :: SIGH ::. no mcallen for 4 days, wanting to just get out of there the minute i get there. no having to drive 8 hours to and from, no traffic, no cutting myself in the bathroom.

definitly worth the self flagalation.

but... about this no turkey thing....

tomkat wedding

2006-11-20T08:22:00.000-06:00

!?!?WHO THE FUCK CARES?!?!

"i'm not a fucking machine you know"

2006-11-17T09:14:00.000-06:00

what's that you say? you went to THE PRETENDERS show last night?

what's that you say? it completely rocked?

what's that you say? you want to be Chrissy Hynde when you grow up?

me too.

oh my god they so fucking rocked, i didn't stop dancing all night. i looooooove love CH now. she's who i want to be. if i could interview one person in the world or be stranded on a desert island with someone it would be CH, she completely rocked my world (no small feat mind you).

and the post head? they go into their THIRD ENCORE and they're playing "back on the chain gang" and in the third chorus chord progression, she's trying to remember the chord for the song, and finally just laughs it off and just keeps singing. the song ends a few minutes later and the band's just laughing. the lead guitarist (sorry i forgot names, i'll repost more later) comes up to chrissy and starts trying to show her the chord progression, and the audience is just watching.

the teaching is completely lost on her and basically everyone just knows its funny that she doesn't remember. and she's trying and trying and she, out of the side of her mouth toward the microphone, says "what? so i can't remember the chord," then one more attempt, and again to the mic "what? i'm not a fucking machine you know" and everyone just starts laughing.

it so completely fucking rocked!

i have never been to more concerts than i have in the past 3 years with the hubby.

so far:

-cyndi lauper
-gladys knight and a pip
-chaka khan
-mary lou lord
-kelly clarkson (front row center!)

and now,

THE PRETENDERS

i'm officially a pretender-phile.

history

2006-11-05T16:18:00.000-06:00

that i could sing
to praise and love you
with melodies and notes
made sweet

tender music
to explain
tender motions
and emotions
inside

and your like...

a symphony
god's light so gold
and ancient eyes

gaze

at me

and i wonder
are you fed up?

and i see your frustration
pain
and i would take you from it

this... world

and take you away
fram all their
pain
and sorrow
that rips
tender flesh
left you wounded and scarred
that a love
like mine
like mind
could mirraculously heal
scars, tender,

deep as oceans
deep as yours
deep as years

and with each kiss...

i heal you
i heal you

i heal you

i can only pray
pray to lead
pray to love
pray for strength
pray to care for you
harder
truer
deeper

stronger
tenderly

so you can do
what your soul needs of you
and i pray
that i
am part
of it's mission

once a ho...

2006-11-05T16:15:00.000-06:00

always a ho.

ho'ing it again on ebay. check it out:

http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZabuyersclosetQQhtZ-1

working it

2006-10-25T19:08:00.000-05:00

so i got the job.

I KNOW!!

ug it is soooooo amazing.

so this is how it goes.

a couple friday's ago i'm on craigslist checkin' out the job posts, i'm about to sign off, and i refresh the page once more, and this ad pops up for a "B2B Customer Service/Marketing Assistant," and i think to myself, "ug another scam, but what the hell."

wrong. it was all legit.

I now work for an amazing, young, and beautiful business woman here in austin. she started her own import company here about 4 years ago. she imports high end, european, designer clothing and accessories. we're talking high end high end, like marc jacobs, diane von furstenberg, versace, gucci, prada, high end. for reals reals.

in all she imports 5 designers from all over europe and the products are amazing (like one designer is growing incredibly fast here in the states, and his men's stuff is fucking AMAZING. very UK and ahead of the US men's fashion by about 5 years, but amazing, and i can't fucking wait till i can start buying the stuff myself and being the only one who knows about this guy and wearing his stuff).

in all i do everything she does and help her with the enormous work load she deals with (that she's been dealing with on her own for a long while now, on top of a husband, and year and a half old daughter) and it's been nothing but fun times and good work.

in all i manage several designer websites, i take, place, process, and ship orders for boutiques all over the world, i put together press kits to send out to mags like vogue, elle, and allure, i handle customers, communicate with the designers, manage press appearances for the designers, and all this on a part time basis for now. i also do my ebay stuff and work for the bf as well, still.

but come the beginning of the year is when the fun starts. she's buying a piece of incredibly cool commercial property in the trendy part of the east side, and opening her own store, that i, if things go well, will be working at with her ("two desks, one for you one for me, and then maybe a small one in back for an intern") and the front will be the space were she sells whatevers left. and THEN i'll also be going to tradeshows for her... that's right kids... i'll be in New York January 5-10, then in February i'm headed to Las Vegas the 13-16, back in austin for a day, then back and out to NY the 18-23.

I KNOW I ABOUT WET MYSELF THE DAY SHE TOLD ME!

and that's just for january and february, and only the ones we've agreed to go to thus far.

it's all in all, AMAZING. i fucking love it. every day i work with her, i wake up in a great mood and am excited about going to work.

it's incredible, i knew this job was mine that friday night i read her post. i felt it. strange as that sounds, i just knew that i had been tailor made for this job. all my work experience, the salon, the computer jobs, the retail jobs, all of em made me ready for this.

and i couldn't be happier.

ho'in it on ebay

2006-10-25T19:07:00.000-05:00

yo yo yo, i'm a ho'in it on ebay again. check it out.

http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZabuyersclosetQQhtZ-1

that is all.

(sorry for the bad post, i've been sick all week, and this is as creative as i can be for now.)

chapters

2006-10-25T18:54:00.000-05:00

i told my therapist about my situation a few months ago, the day after i decided to end a friendship with a friend.

it was amazing how much she told me i had the right to feel justified about. for instance, having done so much and not feeling appreciated, thanked, or compensated, i was told that i should have always made a stipulation to following through on any favor. i have taken that to heart.

that when i do something for someone, the logical thing would be to want to feel appreciated for it, and to not feel that appreciation does indeed warrant feeling used or taken advantage of. i have taken that to heart.

to have someone who is supposed to be a close friend degrade you in anyway that makes you feel bad about yourself is not really a friend. it's a form of verbal abuse and to feel angry or resentful about it is also justified. i have taken that to heart.

so yes, ladies and gentlemen, therapy has done me well.

anonymous, where's your testicular fortitude

2006-10-04T16:24:00.000-05:00

if you know family guy you got the title.

in other news.

earlier this year, i got this comment:

Anonymous said...
can't help but laugh...but then again you always made me laugh. Haven't talked to you in over two years, well since that day I drove away in the black suv. Glad you are still the same. However me...not so much.
I will never forget...

Where are you? Don't I deserve more than a random message left on my blog? I would *think* i deserve more. How did you find this anyways? Email me, you know it or you can get it from here. We need to talk.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

and to the comment from a august: i didn't start slinging shit online first. watch your back. i'm a bigger bitch than you'll ever be. nuff said. and no. i don't want to hear it from you or what you think.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

and to brianna..... WOO HOO VACAY!!! ooh girl wait till you get here. we gonna have some fun :) . Brown bar you say? Cigars you say? Brown Bar Cosmos you say? My my my you do know how to talk sweet whispers to this fag don't you? ;)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

i interviewed for this incredible job. if i get it i'll report back here for the juicy tidbits. lets just say i LOVE project runway.

then and now

2006-09-28T09:07:00.000-05:00

in the beginning...there was Asura... and it was good:

and then there was Mella... and well... she was BLIND and DEAF and ran into EVERYTHING, but hella cute:

and now ladies and gentlequeers, there are Miccah-

And of course, muh boii, muh dawg, Marly-

They're brothers, both like Mella, deaf, but not completely blind. they are the best. unconditional lovers and the cutest, sweetest creatures in the world. it's the best in the mornings to wake up (6 in the morning mind you) to both their heads popping up next to you while you're in bed with all the excitement of a kid at xmas hopping up and down as if to say, "comeondadgetupdadplayandloveonushuhhuhhuhcomeoncomeon-hurryupyourtakingtoolongandthenwecangowalkingandeatandplay-andeatandplayanditllbesomuchfunohcomeondadpleasepleaseplease."

i know i know. they love you too.

in other news, i had a job interview this week. god i hope i get it. light a candle for me, and make an offering bitches, or else!

therapy

2006-08-31T09:32:00.000-05:00

a number of years ago i was in high school. while there i met Ralph. Ralph and i never really knew knew each other in high school, but we were thrown into a chemistry class together at UT and so began our friendship.

ralph and i, both gay, met each other's respective boys at times and one of those times i was introduced to Santiago.

Santiago says that at our first meeting, i didn't like him at all, which is rarely true, because though there are times i know i won't like someone, mama always taught this boy to be nice and cordial and to not ruffle feathers, and as i think about it, i honestly doubt that i was just a complete and outright bitch to him. but i digress.

now a year down the road, ralph and i were friends, and in santi, a fellow "writer," i found a good friend. and a friendship started that would become what it is today.

non existent.

because friendship is a two way street and sometimes, when it becomes one way, someone will take their leave.

"A friend is one that accepts how one is, what one does (or not), and goes on in life being happy that we have the friendship.

Santi is just a year younger than me, but our worlds are so far apart, most would think that our friendship weird. A twink and a "bear" as he calls me, which i don't really agree with, as i don't necessarily like any label, but so be it, usually aren't seen together at a labor day weekend splash event rolling on x and having a ball.

did i mention i paid for the tickets for both of us, the x and g for the both of us, and never actually got a "thank you" for the great time had by all?

don't worry, i got used to it.

it started out simple. we'd go out, and me always having a job, and a family support system that always made it so that if i was in trouble i would have at least a little money (my family isn't rich at all. i'm saying that when i'd get down to broke, my mom would send an extra $20 that she could afford to send)(thank you both mom and dad by the way). i'd always manage to get both of us out. and not only did i drive us everywhere, i would by dinner, drinks, cover, hotel rooms -- anything that we needed i would make sure both of us were accomodated to a point that having a good time would not be stressful.

i did this for 4 years.

in all i've paid santiago's way in our friendship for a number of years. dinners, and lunches, movies and food, i'd buy him cigarrettes and food, hotel room stays and trips to dallas, i even drove him to get his mother or see his mother in dallas and ft. worth about 4 times, never asked for anything other than his company (no gas money or food money or stay money, nothing) and only 2 of those trips did i get a sincere thank you, and of all the things i've bought and paid for, like clothes and groceries and drugs and liquor and beer, you name it, about 20% of the time did i ever get a thank you. how do i know this, because i paid for it thank you, and i remember when people are appreciative.

but i never held any of it against him. santiago doesn't necessarily have the means always and my friendship and time with him meant more to me than any amount of money i would spend. he and brianna, being my best friends, our friendship meant more than what they could or can supply me with, so whatever needed to be done, i would do it.

i made sure that i accepted him, good times and bad, no matter what. because my friendship with him was invaluable to me. and i was happy enough with just his friendship.

did i also mention that at any time, santiago seemed to make it a point to always let me know a number of things: why are you wearing that girl? you've put on some weight girl! gross girl how can you stand being so hairy? well at least i'm not fat like you girl! well at least i'm not as old as you girl!

and each of those statements has about 10 variations and each one i've heard for the past 4 years anywhere from 2-10 times a week, depending on how much time in person or on the phone i spent with him.

but still, i wanted his friendship. his jabs, i wrote up to banter and didn't let them affect me.

but still, it does, even if only sometimes, anyone would feel the same.

and in the meantime, when ever he was in rough times, i was always there. always. i always made sure he wouldn't stay in a bad place for long. party nights, outtings, phone calls, therapy over the phone, whatever he needed to feel better, i was there to provide.

his brothers ganging up on him, "girl your brothers are just jealous of you," mother going through rough times, incredibly rough, "yea girl, we'll go this weekend, don't worry, we'll take care of her," paychecks gone before food, "yes girl, i'll buy your cigarrettes and wendy's," and only occasionally, a thank you, that if was at least given 75% of the time, where we are now, no longer friends, would never have happened.

i entered into a relationship about 2 and a half years ago. ric, older than i, about 20 years older, we're bound to have our share of conflict, conflict that in actuality is about 5% of the time, though since i don't talk to anyone about the abundance of good things, but need support through the bad times, seems like all the time to my friends (thank you brianna for recognizing that that isn't necessarily true).

santiago rarely has anything nice to say about him. in his relationship with ralph and javier, both of whom he fell for, hard, and later, dumped him and ended up in a relationship together despite how santiago would feel, i may have had my judgements, and i may have made my comments, but never once did i go without saying something encouraging or nice as well.

a few months ago, when out in our bastrop house, ric and i had a huge argument. no yelling, but a sudden flood of emotions, and i was overdramatic and left in a huff, on foot, back for austin.

santiago had his best friend in from ft. worth and they were at a record store. my best friend of 4 years didn't even fathom or give a second thought to somehow taking a whole hour out of his weekend with his friend to come and help out his other friend.

he would later say that he wasn't with his ft. worth friend, but was with javier. a lie to cover himself because i didn't like javier and what he did to santi, because i was there everytime santi was upset by javier, crying and helping him through his troubles with him. i heard all the crap javier threw at santiago and so i had my reasons to not like javier, but never once was i not nice as can be, and interested in javiers life when we were face to face. so that weekend, i decided, that if santiago couldn't even for an hour help me out, i didn't need his friendship, whatever reason or lie he had, i would think that anyone would do for their friend whatever needed to be done so they wouldn't walk the 45 miles back to austin.

but maybe that's just me.

a month or two passed by and we were friends again. i forgave santi, like i always, and was back to a point emotionally that i just enjoyed our friendship again, and over looked things that in most people would be bothersome.

like for instance taxi'ing him around whereever he needed to go, therapy, the store, work, whatever, and never once did i ask or accept money for gas, because i knew he wasn't in a place to do that logically and still be on his feet. and every single time he got in my car, cigarrettes, though i'm not a smoker, the radio on whatever station he could find with a song he liked, and when i'd turn it down, he'd turn it on LOUDER, and i would just have to scream at him in order to have a conversation.

but it was time together, and i just wanted to try and enjoy myself.

but sometimes, a lot of pushing, and someone will finally just leave.

having spent a lot of time together, i wanted to head to a party of someone who i thought i'd made pretty good friends with through santi, and maybe because of a drunken stupor, santiago agreed whole heartedly.

things got ugly.

the day of, under the dillusion that i was invited, and having never been told that i wasn't explicitly, i was trying to plan my day and figure out when i'd need to pick santiago up (again) and taxi him (again) to another party (again). but a series of dodges, and being told no word had come through to him, and i started to get the hint. out of jest i made a passing joke that maybe santi wasn't as invited as he thought he was.

then the jab.

"well maybe you shouldn't go, you might be a little to gay."

and i hung up.

as anyone who has met either of us would think, yes that was a little "pot calling the kettle black."

i relayed this story to ric, who at multiple times has felt just how disliked he was by santiago, even after having bought him things like $80 sunglasses, that he proceeded to lose, and buying him cab fare to my own 25th birthday party, and ric had my same reaction, "santi said THAT?"

i relayed this story to someone who doesn't even fully remember santiago, who met him at aforementioned party and the same reaction, worded differently, "of all the gays in austin, HE said THAT to YOU?!"

she met him for all of five minutes.

at that moment, i realized, i was fighting a losing battle.

what was i getting out of our friendship? was i even getting friendship back, i mean a week previous, having gone swimming, in one night, i heard how incredibly fat i was 19 different times, yes, i counted, i was drunk and i'm neurotic that way. 19 times was i told how fat i was, and 8 times how "disgustingly hairy" (santi's own word) i was. and i was CHOOSING to be in this friendship.

in the thirty minutes that followed, santiago changed his story 3 times, very reminiscent of the bastrop incident actually, and proceeded to try and make amends.

"she said it not me" (lie? didn't he say all day that he hadn't heard from her?)

"i said it because i don't know what she wants." (so then he hadn't talked to her afterall?)

"it's because her brother and friends will be there and they're rednecks"

also according to santiago, i'm apparently "really gay" in "large, new groups." which (1.) What the hell does that mean (2.) i go introvert in large groups, and (3.) when meeting new people my own self homophobia creates the "straight" persona and my voice deepens, my usual animation changes, my vocabulary reduces to what i deem as my "straight guy vocabulary," and i rarely do much of the talking.

and so thirty minutes later....

i told santiago finally, that i no longer wanted to be his friend. something that is so incredibly hard for me, because i always thought of him as my best of friends, just half millimeter below brianna, but so incredibly important to me, that losing him would dim my life. but i finally just had it. i couldn't take it anymore and so i told him, that we were over.

so here we are today. i have my therapy session today. a sentence i never thought would be uttered by me. but in actuallity, my world is so much brighter because of it. i have been happier than i have EVER been in my entire life for the past 3 months because of it. i have learned so much about myself and have gotten rid of a lot of the negativity i have surrounded and cloaked myself with that i deemed necessary in order to stay sane.

how foolish.

these days i wake up every morning, happy. not happy in the i just got laid way, but happy in the, i am alive way. and for 3 months this has been happening, and life actually feels like life now. it's amazing what just a little talking and self analizing will do for you. no more endless sleeping, or drinking or smoking pot every single night. now it's exercise and eating right and enjoying things like my dogs and our clients and hour long conversations with brianna and my mom and my sister, and discovering finally all the joy that life can bring.

A friend is one that accepts how one is, what one does (or not), and goes on in life being happy.

8.16.06

2006-08-16T21:51:00.000-05:00

in quiet passing

at night
alone, in thought
i rape
myself

tear myself
limb from heart
and i think

my
what a quiet passing

that young man that never grew up
that adult man that never allowed innocence
that man who simply
survives

in quiet passing
i am
the worst
i've ever been
there are things that i
like a small child
turn away from
and shun
that they'd disappear
a dream

but in daylight
nightmares
of inadequacies
of the insignificant parts of me
that become the giant adversary that in quiet passing
steals me from reality
drowns me in

violent indigo reveries
my body bruised and tender
i am my worst fear
the avatar of my own demise
i know exactly where the knife belongs
i know which scabs draw the greatest blood
the greatest pleasure
and what truly breaks me
into submissision
convulsive desolation
to a level deeper than my core

hard times

2006-08-12T22:42:00.000-05:00

i know
there's been some times
hard
through melancholy
though blind
i see

it's rough here
easy there
never knowing
in betweens
ours is ups

then lows

you rivers
i beams
extremes and calms
nothing in between

then
we wonder
why never middles?
that shortcut
to love
that i know exists
between

and now
hard times
abound
heavy on breath

and heat in sleep

i watch you
wish
that when i weep
that tears
of devotion
would heal all your needs
words often hollow
do only so much

what you need is more than i can offer in thought or in touch

i try
my hardest
sow for us love
what brought you to me
so now
in hard times

let me take care of us
until we can take care of you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

i know that there's been some hard times
even through melancholy, though blind, i still see
it's rough here easy there
never knowing the in betweens
ours is ups and lows, you rivers and i beams
extremes and calms and so it never seems
that for us a middle exists
a shortcut to love that's you and me

and now hard times abound
heavy on breath and heat in sleep
i watch you and wish that if i would weep
that tears of devotion would heal your needs
cause words are hollow and can do so much
what you need is more than i can offer in thought or in touch

but i want to try my hardest, and sow for us love
that thing that brought you to me
so right now in hard times i want you to see
that i want you to let me take care of us
until we can take care of you.

************************************************

a poem, for you, because sometimes i know not how to do anything else. -j

because my friends have the best writers

2006-08-04T11:38:00.000-05:00

so yea, i know it's been a while. but a lots gone on.

ric and i broke up and got back together. i've been working... a ton. life in general is one big job. i've been in therapy and seeing less and less of gordon the imaginary man that haunts me in the car. and the voices in my chi chi have subsided and now i just listen to rosie and her five friends.

and if you got all that and still think i'm funny, keep on.

so yea, i'll try to be more consistent in the blog up keep and even try more of working on the poetry archive stuff (possible xmas book?)

anyways. so i figured, shout out to the to bff's. and a funny story to boot.

lasantiquicshabonifalatifajackson:

everyone already knows bout the misadventures he's prone to have, so i'll let him relate his own funny stories. sorry santi, but you just haven't been funny enough lately to warrant an anectdote from me. i know "jaime is such a bitch."

so what else is new?

banana:

this story was related to me last week. and i just thought it funny.

so at one point bri was living with her sister and mom here in austin a while back. she had this one night job that had he working odd hours and going to school and life was generally, well life.

so one night, brianna comes home and is a bit on the stressed side and finds her way to the fridge. for three nights in a row, a slice of cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory (or purgatory on a serving platter to the rest of us) has been sitting in it's perfect little carrying case taunting and soliciting lascivious looks from bri, and tonight she's had enough. the cheesecake was getting it.

the following day, upon returning to the fridge for her abandoned slice of cheese cake, JB, her sister decides its time to down the delictable now 4 days old, opens the box and finds a ransom note, reading:

if you ever want to see your precious slice of cheese cake you'll bring me another slice. signed, the cheesecake bandit.

i thought it was hilarious, fuck you if you don't, cause my friends truly have the best writers.

Hypocrisy

2006-05-01T19:28:00.000-05:00

today hundreds of thousands illegal immigrants took to the streets to protest proposed legislation that would make the status of illegal immigrants a crime.

i have never been more disgusted with our government and the american people who would support this kind of legislation.

sick to my stomach disgusted.

how dare you. how dare you propose or support this at all. you should fucking be ashamed of yourselves.

at some point in time every american, in this god forsaken country (since bush took over i should point out), at one point in time, in thier family line somewhere, was an immigrant to this country. the only true native people of this country are the native americans that were here before the rest of us came here and fucked them over.

hypocrites, the lot of you. i hope in the kharmic circle each of you gets what you deserve. three fold. i fucking pray you get whats coming to you.

************************************************************************

Immigrants Hope to Show Strength With Boycott
By Laura Wides-Munoz, AP

HOMESTEAD, Fla. (May 1) -- Hundreds of thousands of mostly Hispanic immigrants skipped work and took to the streets Monday, flexing their newfound political muscle in a nationwide boycott that succeeded in slowing or shutting many farms, factories, markets and restaurants.

From Los Angeles to Chicago, New Orleans to Houston, the "Day Without Immigrants" attracted widespread participation despite divisions among activists over whether a boycott would send the right message to Washington lawmakers considering sweeping immigration reform.

"I want my children to know their mother is not a criminal," said Benita Olmedo, a nanny who came here illegally in 1986 from Mexico and pulled her 11-year-old daughter and 7-year-old son from school to march in San Diego. "I want them to be as strong I am. This shows our strength."

Police estimated 300,000 people marched through Chicago's business district, and hundreds of thousands more were expected at rallies in New York and Los Angeles. Smaller rallies were planned in more than 50 other cities across the nation.

In heavily Hispanic Perth Amboy, N.J., a normally bustling business district was quiet and still. Block after block of record shops, cafes and produce stores were shuttered on the usually traffic-choked street.

In the Los Angeles area, normally bustling restaurants and markets were dark and truckers avoided the nation's largest shipping port. About one in three small businesses was closed downtown, including the cluttered produce market and fashion district.

Industries that rely on immigrant workers were clearly affected, though the impact was not uniform.

Tyson Foods Inc., the world's largest meat producer, shuttered about a dozen of its more than 100 plants and saw "higher-than-usual absenteeism" at others. Most of the closures were in states such as Iowa and Nebraska. Eight of 14 Perdue Farms chicken plants also closed for the day.

Organizers of the rallies instructed protesters to wear white and bring American flags to symbolize peaceful intentions and love of the United States. Many carried signs in Spanish that translated to "We are America" and "Today we march, tomorrow we vote." Others waved Mexican flags or wore hats and scarves from their native countries. Some chanted "USA" while others shouted slogans, such as "Si se puede!," Spanish for "Yes, it can be done!"

"We are the backbone of what America is, legal or illegal, it doesn't matter," said Melanie Lugo, who was among thousands attending a rally in Denver with her husband and their third-grade daughter.

"We butter each other's bread. They need us as much as we need them," she said.

The White House reacted coolly.

"The president is not a fan of boycotts," said press secretary Scott McClellan. "People have the right to peacefully express their views, but the president wants to see comprehensive reform pass the Congress so that he can sign it into law."

The boycott was organized by immigrant activists angered by federal legislation that would criminalize illegal immigrants and fortify the U.S-Mexico border. The event split the burgeoning movement, however _ some advocated attending school and work but rallying after business hours.

Ernest Calderon, a 38-year-old concrete worker, came to the Chicago rally with a sign listing the names of his heroes: Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy and Pancho Villa.

"Our heroes understood that they had to fight for freedom and democracy, and we are here doing the same," said Calderon, who came from Mexico and gained his citizenship more than a decade ago. "We are here for the same reasons."

None of the 175 seasonal laborers who normally work Mike Collins' 500 acres of Vidalia onion fields in southeastern Georgia showed up Monday.

"We need to be going wide open this time of year to get these onions out of the field," he said. "We've got orders to fill. Losing a day in this part of the season causes a tremendous amount of problems."

It was the same story in Indiana, where the owner of a landscaping business said he was at a loss. About 25 Hispanic workers _ 90 percent of the field work force _ never reported Monday to Salsbery Brothers Landscaping.

"We're basically shut down in our busiest month of the year," said owner Jeff Salsbery. "It's going to cost me thousands of dollars."

The construction and nursery industries were among the hardest hit by the work stoppage in Florida.

Bill Spann, executive vice president of the Association of General Contractors, said more than half the workers at construction sites in Miami-Dade County did not show up Monday.

"If I lose my job, it's worth it," said Jose Cruz, an immigrant from El Salvador who protested with several thousand others in the rural Florida city of Homestead rather than work his construction job. "It's worth losing several jobs to get my papers."

The impact on schools was not so clear. In Santa Ana, the Orange County seat, about 3,000 middle and high school students were absent. The 62,000-student district is about 90 percent Hispanic.

Not far away, in the normally bustling Port of Long Beach, about 30 miles south of downtown Los Angeles, was eerily quiet, with many truck drivers avoiding work. Lunch truck operator Sammy Rodriguez, 77, said 100 trucks normally line up in the mornings outside the California United Terminals. On Monday, he said, just three or four showed up.

Some of the rallies drew small numbers of counter-protesters, including one in Pensacola, Fla.

"You should send all of the 13 million aliens home, then you take all of the welfare recipients who are taking a free check and make them do those jobs," said Jack Culberson, a retired Army colonel who attended the Pensacola rally. "It's as simple as that."

Jesse Hernandez, who owns a Birmingham, Ala., company that supplies Hispanic laborers to companies around the Southeast, shut down his four-person office in solidarity with the demonstrations.

"Unfortunately," he said, "human nature is that you don't really know what you have until you don"t have it."

Associated Press writers Laura Wides-Munoz in Homestead, Fla.; Janet McConnaughey in New Orleans; Jon Sarche in Denver; Alex Veiga in Long Beach, Calif.; Andrew Dalton and Christina Almeida in Los Angeles; Greg Bluestein in Atlanta; Michael Rubinkam in Allentown, Pa.; and Gregg Aamott in Minneapolis contributed to this report.

oh that silly fag

2006-04-19T12:59:00.000-05:00

random stuff for today:

- i love scrubs. and i love how i'm the only person who loves all these shows that everyone i know hates. makes me feel special. short bus special, don't worry, no big head here. why do i love scrubs, well it's funny, and then there was this joke from a week ago; turk (donald faison, the back guy) is talking about his one night of the week he has to himself;

Turk: i got the apartment to myself, i come home, walk in the door and immeaditely get comfortable (pants fall to the floor)... then i take care of all my busy work... then i watch whatever's on ESPN
TV: stay tuned for more Gilmore Girls!
Turk: mother's and daughter's they speak so fast but they speak so true. (thinking) then i make some important work calls.
Turk: did you see it?
J.D.: I am so mad at Lorelai, i can't even talk right now.

hehe.

- gilmroe girls by the way, still one of the best shows on T.V. Why? some golden tidbits:

Emily: I need you to fix my wedding dress. The dress maker did a horrible job.
Lorelai: Why don't you have the woman who made the dress fix it.
Emily: Lorelai, when a woman gives birth to a crack baby you do not buy her a puppy.

(Paris in the middle of yelling at Doyle who she broke up with hours earlier, who's now sobering up and wearing Rory's overcoat from earlier)
Paris: So you could have hooked up with a really hot chick tonight?
Doyle: Yes ...
Paris: (interrupting, yelling, softly then loudly) in rhinestone buttons?! who was it Sheila E??!!

- i hate allergies.

- i love coffee.

- i found this cover song the other day by a band called "Frente!" It's a cover of Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order, you know it, "everytime i see you falling, i get down on my knees and pray, i'm waiting for that final moment you'll say the words that i can't say." Get it, it's great, just a guitar and the singer, a girl, she does great with it.

- i can't stop listening to rihanna's "SOS," one, cause i love the sample of 'tainted love,' and two, the videos (two of them are out there floating around) are fucking great. and three, it's fun to dance to. i can pop and lock with the best of em. even a little krumping.

- yes i just said krumping.

Trouble loving game player

2006-04-07T20:08:00.000-05:00

ok. so the other night i sign on to aol to check the ol' mailbox and lo and behold "what does your drink say about you?" who could resist?

for those who don't know me, i take it gin, up, bruised and dirty, three olives, on the side. put them IN my drink and it goes back. and god save your soul if you give me the itty bitty olives that are basically the retarded, red headed step child of the olive world. so there i go looking for martini's and lo and behold:

Men: This guy could go either way. If he sticks with tradition and goes for gin or vodka, he knows how to play the game. Three olives is his preference, but beware if he orders it extra dirty since that can only mean trouble ahead. If he breaks from tradition and orders a Cosmo, then he is a free spirit. His tastes may not be up to par with Mr. Olives, but he can take you on an adventure that most girls only dream of.

so apparently i'm bi (read: this guy could go either way)(thank god! that explains my facination with straight porn), i play games, and i'm big trouble.

could i get this on a bumper sticker?

yes ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of the month

2006-04-06T16:41:00.000-05:00

god i hope i'm not pregnant.

oh that's right, god doesn't like butt-babies. i'm good. nevermind.

so.... shit i forgot... oh no there it is.

it's time for everyone's favorite:

random spontaneity!

- i am doing well. been pretty busy with life in general. i have been uber-productive the past two weeks and am actually amazed with myself. i stand in the mirror and just stare at the magnificence that is me.

- that last part was just a joke for those of us who are clueless.

- but i have indeed been looking at myself a lot more in the mirror lately, why you ask? i cut off all my goddamn hair that's why. it's short and cute and i look younger than i ever have! it's friggin weird looking at the new face in the mirror. i had my long hair growing out for almost 3 years, so to see myself now is still taking some getting used to.

- there's this friggin incredible little mexican place that just opened up here in Austin on SoLa. Casita Taco in the small green shopping center on the east side of lamar across from the genie car wash i think. the hubby and i went in this afternoon to get me something quick to eat. i whipped out the spanish and conversed a bit with the apparently father/son team that was working. the cook reminded me of my grandfather the moment i walked in and immediately i knew, "this is gonna be good." and lemme tell ya, i have never had rice, beans, and salsa (the mild is the best in austin) this good in austin; and the chicken quesadilla was right on. so fucking good. took me back to mexico on a saturday night for after hours/after bar/sloshed off your ass food. so fucking good. after lunch i went in to meet the guys and they couldn't of been nicer and grandpa taco can fuckin' cook! think grandma's kitchen during a bbq, that good. oh and if you're latino, this all makes sense, otherwise you're on your own.

- the ebay business is on hold for a bit. things were going great, then two weeks ago my computer crashed. six years worth of writings, pictures, programs, music, videos, school work, personal work, work work... all gone. i know i know, "why didn't you have back up?" come on people, in this day and age? with my computer skills and my perfect computer? pa-shaw. anyone who knows me knows my comp is my baby and that i'd of never done anything to mistreat or abuse my child. it's just one of those things that happens. i'm saddened, yea, but what can you do. anyways. in the process i lost all my ebay stuff. so it's all on hold till i'm done with other projects.

-i apparently am out of my funk. i've been in a funky funk for the past couple of months/years. but recently, that's all kinda changed. i'm up everyday by 8 a.m., i'm happy, and laughing and my mind is alot clearer and driven. it's weird. who knows, maybe it's just one really long pleasant LSD trip and i have no idea that it's going on.

- bush is still a fuck head. i'm sorry, but when is this guy just going to give in and resign. you couldn't give us osama, so you fabricated this war to get our minds off of who you were REALLY supposed to be after, you're popularity is the lowest of any president ever in history, you look like a baboon's diarrhea ass with mr. potato head ears, and you're wife's coochie is probably drier than the inside of paris hilton's skull, nothing but tumbleweeds and crickets. give it up, you were a loser the first four years, and the first half of the other four have sucked more dick than a manager at the chain drive.

- mela, the almighty blind one, is fucking hilarious. she never ceases to amuse. yes yes i know "why does he keep making fun of the blind and deaf dog?" understand people that i'm not making "fun" of her per se, i love her like a parent would love any child, other people may think "oh i couldn't stand to watch her walk around and not be able to see or hear" but those people don't know mela. i've been taking her to the park with asura, the other dog, and she's so incredibly brave and fearless. she doesn't know she's special. she explores and plays and has a great time no matter what. even when she's sad, she's happy and playing 2 minutes later, just "tra la la la la, i'm a dog, nothing will get me down (THUMPdoor) tra la la la la." she's amazing. the perfect dog.

- i'm fucking tired of the "army of one" commercials. they are so blatant in their propaganda that i physically cannot watch one in it's entirety. "i have to do this... it's time to be the man," "you've never shaken my hand and looked me in the eye [you must be a man now]," "what about training? ... it's the army." ug, i just threw up in my mouth a little. so, in order for fresh-face-pimple-ridden-just-graduated-from-high-school-impressionable-red-state-redneck-hick to "become a man" he has to join the army and get himself killed in a war that should never have happened in the first place, kill a couple dozen human beings because they live in a world less fortunate than others, have any number or combination of limbs blown off, shot off, mutilated, bombed, cut or amputated, or simply become a prisoner of war and have my death by firing squad or decapitation used by the other extremists on the other side of the world 1000's of miles away from my family and any of their understanding and have my death circulated on television news stations hundreds of times the world over. perfect, just how i planned to die.

- reality tv sucks (save for ANTM and Project Runway). and i haven't seen any of American Idol, but Chris Daughtry, 25 and voluntarily takes on two kids and wife, that voice, and those looks... good lord boy, you're gonna make me cum without even touching myself. oh! looks like i just did.

that is all for now. peace.

"I suck a little dick ... smoke a little crack"

2006-03-11T16:58:00.000-06:00

go here:

that is all.

Un-Lucky Charmed

2006-03-04T11:48:00.000-06:00

so... the news was handed out this week, that yes my friends, Charmed, in it's 8th season, and 178 episodes later, has indeed been cancelled.

exec prod brad kern has already begun penning the final two episode series finale, and was actually holed up writting when the call came in to let him know that the show was going to end, a fact he had already anticipated.

charmed started 8 years ago in 1998, a year later i arrived in austin and by chance caught an episode and like whitney and smack, i was hooked. and for 8 years i have watched three talented actresses (fuck shannen doherty) grow up to the 30 something women they are now. i fell in love with holly marie combs' piper and watched her valiant struggle of every day living with the wish of a normal life and cried with her as she had to give up and say good-bye to her two children in order for them to live and have a future, give up her sister in order to go on with her own destiny and life, and sacrifice her husband so that the greater good would have a chance at a future; watched as alyssa milano's phoebe had to decide, for the good of all humanity, to destroy her one true -- epic -- love and grow from an immature over bleached 20 year old into a classy and sophisticated woman with a penchant for looking damn hot; and watched an awkward and shy rose mcgowan come into her own as paige and watched as she developed into a stellar actress with a quiet repose reminiscent of classic hollywood actresses.

and suddenly it's over. their lives will end with a few simple penned lines from creator brad kern. may 21st it all comes to an end.

and next year, i will have to say good-bye to more women in my life, but that's for a different post.

::raises glass of champagne:: to charmed, an incredible story, show and love that i knew i would have to give up someday, but am happy to have had this time with them. thank you for 8 incredible years.

now if you'll excuse me, if you need me i'll be in the bathtub, with a rusty razor, cutting my wrists. sheri, hold my calls.

well lookie what we have here boys... a Grade A 100% beef faggot

2006-02-15T18:57:00.000-06:00

and don't you forget it.

::pours himself a cup of coffee and a shot of vodka and sits down::

so... ... ... how are you?

really. that bad. your mother? with the butler? AND col. mustard!

horrid.

on to happier topics. take me for instance. no really, feel free, i'm that kind of slutty.

so life is good. i'm 25 now. and not much has changed. well except for the addition of a deaf and blind white australian shepard mix who's now 14 weeks old and named Marshmallow, or Mela, for short. get it.

she bumps into things. shakes it off and walks off. she hits everything. chairs, walls, doors, furntire, sinks... it's really quite hilarious.

but shes a trooper.

oh and i've started ebaying. i'm an ebay whore. but hey it's fun and i'm pretty good at it. i'll plug it more later. for now...

25 and in a month a 2 year anniversary. damn, i started this in 2004... you should check out some of those old posts, the first ones, they're a trip. i'm a damn good writer.

i am doing well.

i hate bitches. seriously, all kinds too. i don't discriminate. i hate all 'dem bitches.

santi is probably shocked that i posted.

yea well fuck you too bitch.

did i tell you about the time he recorded over my gilmore girls with survivor and the o.c. ... i gagged so hard... oh excuse ... gotta gag ... oh shit that's where that dildo went.

and brianna is a story whore for her newspaper. work it girl. work it. i say strike if they don't up the anty. hehe ... i finaly got to say anty.

do you find me funny? do i make you, perhaps, randy?

hi randy i'm jaime.

and i'll try to post more often.

gift

2005-10-27T18:21:00.000-05:00

gift

as children
we dreamed
spun around in open fields
starring defiantly at the sun
and we dreamed

we dreamed
"the faster, the higher"
as arms became wings
wind beckoned our call
and off we flew
higher and closer to the sun
till our homes became small
and our souls filled with air
and suddenly our dreams
fulfilled
and suddenly dizzy at accomplishment
we'd lie down and giggle
till the excitement of dream's awakened
lay gently back asleep
inside of our hearts

we grow up

and suddenly life is more complex
and our arms no longer become wings
and we stare melancholy to the sun
wishing to taste its sweet rays once again

to again feel the thrill of flight
to again feel more than what our lives have become
to again ... feel

but one in a special few
though all god's children
never lost the gift he gave us
wings of dreaming
instead they become
were forced
or were simply left better
undercover
close to us, wrapped gently around our hearts
protection from a cruel world
and heart bitter with resentment
who tried to clip dreams
of more than just a life
were shielded against
and our dreams
guarded
became our hope
and salvation

till one day they could unfurl
strong and beautiful
sun lit ivory snow
spanning greater than the fullest sun
and larger than our grandest fantasy
and fantasies became real
dreams became reality
those special few
whose wings, could never be broken
dream larger, and grander
than a thousand suns
and whose life shines brighter
than all of them rolled into one
____________________________________

needs some work but there ya go. other LA inspired poetry coming soon

c'est la vie

2005-09-13T14:13:00.000-05:00

so...

bush finally admitted it was "his fault" with all that's been going on... good... good... now... how about taking responsibility for all the other things you dropped the ball on you goofy faced potato head looking honkey.

now all we need is to point out the other stupid shit people seem to be missing that's been going on lately... oh like... i don't know... off the top of my head...

guess who just got a $500,000,000 contract to "clean up" naw'leans... that's right boys and girls... Haliburton... why yes boys and girls... that IS the company VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY supports and works for... what a smart and wonderful connection you've all made boys and girls...

HELLOOOO?!

los angeles part 3

2005-08-31T17:15:00.000-05:00

an evening on the boardwalk from up above.
view of the mountains from the apartment. believe it's malibu or something like that.
the hollywood sign from the hollywood forever cemetery.
people at the evening screening of movies in the cemetery. tons of people show up to it, wine, food, weed and breakfast at tiffany's projected on the screen of the wall two photos below.
tons of people.
the wall that the movie was projected on.
the arizona mountains in the evening.
mountains on an indian reservation in new mexico.
more interstate 70 mountains.

those are the photos for now. oh and this is our dog.

los angeles photos part 2

2005-08-24T15:36:00.000-05:00

and now, more photos from los angeles:

this is the boardwalks self proclaimed 'world's greatest whino,' he just roams up and down the boardwalk with his sandwich board singing (to the tune of jingle bell rock) 'jingle bell jingle bell help me get drunk.' he also tells jokes to tippers and gives free hugs.
this is a random hot guy, for la santi. there are tons more hot guys, all muscly, and tan. just imagining them rubbing their well sculpted bodies rubbing lotion allllll over... :: cough :: ahem... sorry. wait where am i, what was i talking about.
just a random guy playing the guitar
some random rastifarian.
the following are pictures from the hari krishna festival, which attracts over 50,000 visitors.

more photos to come later.

los angeles photos part 1

2005-08-23T10:43:00.001-05:00

so without further ado (and since the random drive by's by santi threatening to physically hurt me should i take any longer in posting them are starting to freak me out), pictures from los angeles, in no perticular order.

This is the boardwalk. This is where i live. It's apartment buildings, then the boardwalk, the median, beach then ocean. Tons of artisans, and crazies, populate the famous Venice Boardwalk. Janis Joplin just one of the many crazy artisans that started here. You can't help but feel the energy.

The view from our apartment. The boardwalk, beach and ocean. No A/C so the windows stay open always.

Boardwalk has a few of these little oasis type looking things all over. Down the block is muscle beach.

This is the side of the apartment building we live in, we decided the guy who did it was on acid and was making if for his friends, who were also on acid.

Oh that acid, it makes you do craaaazy things.

Ok that's just plain cool.

Welcome to Venice Beach.

more pictures to come later.

signing off

2005-08-08T18:46:00.000-05:00

rest in peace peter. thank you for your dedication to the craft.

peter jennings

the last great broadcast journalist

1938-2005

you will be greatly missed

so how does gwen get it to smell like bananas?

2005-07-27T22:12:00.000-05:00

in case you're wondering about the title, go here.

otherwise...

- so across the way on a tiny foot by foot metal covering to some pipe coming out the building next door, i thought i was watching two lovely, actually cute pigeons doing a little beaking before pigeon "how to peck" class or something, but no........first they were beaking and i was all "awww cute" like watching thumper from 'bambi' blush, awww....... then they did a little pigeon bow to each other and i was all AWWWWW....then they started walking in a circle in what i'll term the pigeon waltz.... and me the sentimental slightly retarded pot head i am was all "ok that's way too cute" ............. then ...... right before my eyes ......... cowboy up ...... little boy pigeon went and mounted little girl pigeon, pigeon fucking was on, it was funkytown baby and i had front row seats and was playing that really sexy saxophone playing in the background.... needless to say, death to all pigeons..... gross.

- if i have to listen to the verbal diarrhea of one more muscle headed monkey los angelite trying to impress the latest root rotted articial dime store peroxide blond one more time i swear to god i will cut myself.

- and in other news, i'm a little drunk.

- i'm catching up on family guy episodes i missed. tonight, model misbehavior and the loretta cleveland quagmire where quagmire gets down with the swirl.

what?! i can say "the swirl!"

uh, i'll have the extra crispy

2005-07-26T09:35:00.000-05:00

now. we all know the boy scouts are just a bunch of closet homo's going out in the middle of the woods for some good ol' sewing, camping and other extra curricular activities (read: circle jerks, awkward cock fondling and statutory rape) and we all know they be crazy with their "we'll wear precious little ascots, but no gays allowed" rules, but this is just over the line...

The Boy Scouts of America vowed to continue their Jamboree despite the death of four adult Scout leaders in an electrical accident while setting up camp on the opening day

dick: "so harry, what you doing tonight"
harry: "oh, just going to the boyscout jamboree"
dick: "didn't you just lose all four of your scout leaders/mentors yesterday?"
harry: "yea, but who cares about emotional scarring or the fact four people died last night, when i could be swimming naked with that nifty steven, and taking it all night long from a rough trick named jeb, who also happens to be my scout leader and uncle."

hello?!

random spontaneity - the blood of life

2005-07-25T13:53:00.000-05:00

i wonder if she's a ma-a-a-a-niac, m-a-a-a-a-niac on the floor? -jaime on pink legwarmers girl in los angeles

and now ladies and gentlemen, for your ADD/OCD pleasure, random spontaneity, or, things neither here nor there (which really means no where, basically):

- the crazy lady on the boardwalk called me a nig-let... what pray tell is a niglet?

-i must really look like a pot head now, cause since last friday night i've been asked once a day whether i'd like some bud, by guys randomly walking past me on the boardwalk.

-coffee = life ... and momma loves her crack.

-speaking of crack, what ever happened to that reality show about bobby brown and whitney. speaking of which, who fucking gives bobby brown his own reality tv show. he sang "it's my perrogative" people! what the fuck is wrong with you?!

-reality tv is now in it's 5th year boom. time to put it down for a nap now. why? blow out, kept, raising a hilton, stripsearch, gilligans island. need i continue?

-so any word on X3 yet? every scifi/anime/marvel junkie wants to see some phoenix kicking ass.

-i lost my sunglasses at albertsons 5 hours after i bought them. fucking albertson's customer's thieving asses... grrr... at least they had taste.

-energy is an amazing thing. resonant energy i should say. went to a movie screening of "breakfast at tiffany's" at an old hollywood cemetery that had a bunch of stars and movie people from earlier this century buried there, and on the wall of a 30 foot mausoleum, me ric and brianna, in a sea of hundreds of people, watched audrey hepburn at her finest, i cried at 'moon river' and i could swear when we walked into that cemetery that night, i could feel the energy of all those there, saying 'welcome.'

-brianna is funnier in different parts of los angeles(i believe it has to do with techtonic plates)(ric:"well you know how flexible jaimito is." bri:"noooo... i'm pretty sure you know more than i do."(she's also now got "comefuckmenowwwwWWWWmotherfucker!" hair.)

-i now know what a raid looks like.

-i forgot to bring my borrowed copy of harry pothead chapter 5 and now can't read the chapter 6. when did i become a prepubescent little girl?

-speaking of prepubescent little girl. i saw kelly clarkson in concert. i was the middle chair, front row center at her concert. she was literally, standing directly in front of me. i touched her hand. i love kelly clarkson.

-anonymous is the best clothing store in the world for men.

-i'm sometimes amazed at my cooking abilities.

-i miss austin.

-pigeons suck.

-pigeons need to die.

-hooray for lance, but i could really care less.

-london police shot the wrong man. has anyone else realized how paranoia is ruining all of our lives.

-president shithead is still... well a shithead. "i called to congratulate you on an amazing feat of human perserverence" or some pre written shit laden concoction like that. he called and said the same thing the past 3 years! come on people! it's time to get the shit-flinging-short-bus-belonging-entertained-by-his-own-voice-pronounciation-handicapped-"i'mgonnabombeveryonetomakemydaddyhappy-money-embezzling-agenda-pushing-right-wing-conservative-fuck-head-up-his-ass-so-far-hitler-wonders-how-he-did-it-ranch-owning-bigoted-christian-priest-raped-autistic-coke-snorting-buttfaced-miscreant-monkey-looking-special-ed-reject out of office.

that is all. enjoy your day.

hi-what-us?

2005-07-04T21:08:00.000-05:00

hiatus. that's right i said it. i think i'm going on a small probably inconsistent hiatus. life has suddenly become busy. a week and a half ago i was in los angeles living it up with the hubby (that's right i said it), and now i'm in our house now completely moved into my room and vacated out of the barrio.

all of 2 blocks away but in a whole new world, it's amazing the difference a gay makes. :)

and now i'm heading into a two straight week stint of work. intensive and exaustive work. couldn't be happier but oh my god 13 straight days....

let the good times roll. i'll keep you all posted.

night's bliss

2005-06-01T19:55:00.000-05:00

day is done
night is on
all
falls soft and silent

god's time is now
indigo in hues
shadows alive and patient

mysticism swirls down
her tender lanky olive branches

she owns this stride
pride inside beems alive
defiant

fuck you
and your pin me down and screw me here and now look

i'm more than the night can hold
i'm spirits ancient and souls of old
i'm my life's years rolled into one

stronger than the hardest of stone
and more powerful than you'll be graced to ever know

------------------------------

care to see more of my poetry?

living the life surreal

2005-05-31T11:46:00.000-05:00

this is going to be one of those completley random posts.

so i just caught the tail end of the "surreal life 4" reunion. christopher knight and adrienne curry are officially an item, living in los angeles together.

for those who don't know, or don't have cable, ck was peter brady, and ac was america's first next top model. the real story though is ck is 47, and ac 22.

i know!

i am so ac, just with a lot more curves, and the bf is my c. knight. see, proof that it happens all the time, screw age differences, it's about falling in love with the person and not the number. what's more, ck's an actor, like the bf, and ac is a model, and i'm just hot. so you can see the resemblence. (and for those who didn't get it that was a joke, i'm not that full of myself, santi is, i'm not).

anyways...

so i want this ride

hot. i know. god i want that between my legs. gggrrrrr.....rrrr.....

and i'll be working at the salon as the bf's assistant for a few days this week. i'm going in tomorrow to shadow and learn a bit. he's already planning me a back story, something along the lines of an architect burned out by the man and i was looking for a way to explore my creative flair while supporting two kids and a crack addicted mongoose and a hidden addiction to 'showgirls.' care to rub my nipples with ice? :: wink wink ::

i've also decided that i'd like to take up fishing, the "swim in the water" kind of fishing not the "gotta get me some coochie coochie man whore" type fishing.

told you this was gonna be random.

mirror mirror part deux

2005-05-30T15:33:00.000-05:00

july 14, 2004 - "where you learned your sexual values"

where i learned my sexual values
-or-
i never had the 'birds and the bees' talk with my parents. praise be to god(dess)

i learned my sexual values on my own. you tend to do that growing up in a ninety-nine percent latino culture as places like mcallen, texas, dictate (don't let the name fool you, i'm a coconut, brown on the outside, white on the inside). throw into the mix an awkward, overweight, intelligent seventeen year old gay adolescent, and there's bound to be trouble.

i kept to myself in high school; the straight guys would talk about their conquests and all i would think about is how i would like to conquest them. and i often did, in secret of course. like so many gay youth, i had to find out on my own the rights and wrongs, goods and bads, hot and 'holy crap that's disgusting batman!' i didn't have anyone to teach me, so when i went home for the first time with another man from the first gay bar i ever went to - let's just say the alcohol i had attained after a quick hand wash in the bathrrom served its purpose. luckily the awkwardness and self consciousnes quickly disappeared and i myself was amazed at how easy, and i think just really natural it all was, like 'yea, this feels right.' i learned with my intelligence, looks and person, that i quickly became a commodity. i lost the weight, gained the confidence, and was myself, and in about six months time i had a strong basis of sexual values.

then came austin. austin just expanded my interests. i naturally had my preference (and the ever stereotypical gay promiscuity) which of course disappeared- over time. but more importantly, i had an opportunity to become an educator and leader in the gay community and served as director of the glbt students association at ut, where it became my duty to educate myself as to sex (gay, straight, lesbian, trisexual, and other) and i got to educate others inside and outside the classroom. many a bar occasion would be spent intellectualizing with a colleague, usually out for the night but not feeling the dancing, tweaking, drunk or rolling mob on the dancefloor. i even held lectures and was asked many a time to be a panel member on everything from glbt rights to growing up gay to being asked "how i like it" in front of a human sexuality class at a lutheran university! (needless to say, they asked and i told).

my sexual values were self taught. i had to determine for myself what i would and would not do, how far i would go, safety, love, one night stand-- everything-- for myself, and it's made me who i am.

mirror mirror

2005-05-28T13:12:00.000-05:00

over last summer, i had the opportunity to take a human sexuality class with dr. nancy daley, an incredible lecturer and professor, she had us writing "personal reflections" about two times a week. the reflections were usually small prompts but we were given the option to write about whatever we like. the next three posts will be those personal reflections. enjoy.

**************************************

july 23, 2004 - "you're favorite quote about love"

"i want love to be simple. i want to trust without thinking. i want to be generous with my affection and patience and love unconditionally. it is easier to love a person with their flaws than to weed through them. i want to love the whole person, not parts; and this is how i want to be loved."

this quote is from jewel's book, "chasing down the dawn." yes, the singer with bad teeth, jewel. her journal was full of nuggets of observation and reflection. the quote was taken from a scribble of hers in a journal she kept while on tour. a scribble.

this is my favorite quote about love. it's how i imagine a relationship between to people should be. i think love should be simple, when it's complicated you're not really working at building a relationship of compromises and wanting things for yourself and your mate and for the relationship. you're more concerned with not fighting and trying to keep things under control. i learned that personally in a relationship that i'm back in again.

i came out at 16, did the sleepign around thing for years, met hundreds of guys as director of the glbt group at the university and never once had anyone spark my interest. and then he came along and swept me off my feet. we met a year ago as a one night stand; both of us at a place in our lives where we weren't ready to be in a relationship, and we knew had to wait. we did. then one night, some random night, and we're in a relationship. we had to take a break, but we came back stronger.

you don't document and count the flaws, you cherish them and realize it's what makes a person who they are, and without them, they wouldn't be the person you fell in love with in the first place. love the whole person, not bits and pieces.

and that, is definitely not a scribble.

yea well screw you too

2005-05-25T13:08:00.000-05:00

i know i've already posted about this before, but i have to again.

i hate this fucking job search. seriously folks, with a passion, right up there with my passionate dislike of president fuckhead, usher, helium-voiced prepubescent-pop-rock bands and people who put coins in their mouths.

i ... f u c k i n g ...h a t e... t h i s... s h i t .

just got off the phone with novotus. for those who don't know, i didn't get the recruiter job. but dave, who i've been working with, seemed to like me for this other position they got. well i just got off the phone with him, and the company doing the hiring seems to be pushing for someone who can handle a multi-phone line system. so when he asked me if i could i had to be honest, "no, i don't have experience with it, but i'm sure i could pick it up fast." after a quick "talk" with a colleage, they feel i might not be the best match. dave said he'd none the less push for me to get it, but lets face it; i ain't.

it's been 9 months now, going on 10. i know i know i know, the market is bad, every one's out of work and every one's going through hard times.

not any one around me folks. not any one around me. all my friends who just graduated the past 2 semesters from ut? 4 of the 5 already have jobs. do you know how fucking big of a failure i feel constantly? but nobody sees it. i break down every once in a while in front of the man, but only when prompted. otherwise it's a solitary hell i live every day. everyone around me has their own problems, and i just don't want to add mine to the mix, you know? i'd rather my problems be my own. and what if i did vent every day? i don't want to be that jaime. i don't want to say at the end of everyday exactly how i feel, because i'll be complaining about the same thing every day, because every day is the same thing. nothing ever changes, nothing but how much exactly i hate looking for work, or how frustrating it is, or how much i just wish i could have a real job. something. i just need something.

and i needed to vent. so i hope none of you mind this post or the foul language. i just needed to get that out.

it's hard. it's really hard. and honestly, i don't know exactly how much more of it i can take.

as brianna would say... SCANDALOUS

2005-05-21T14:05:00.000-05:00

did you notice the caps? and i never use caps or capitalization anywhere on this page, so you know this is good.

ok kiddos, gather round the fire, uncle hi-me has a story.

so brianna calls me last night, and says "i know you're doing something scandalous, when it's late at night and you're not picking up your phone... sca....nd...a...lous."

now you know why i love brianna (best friend going on 9 years for those not in the know); even the simple act of not answering a phone call and she instinctively knows i'm up to something, and it usually isn't good.

well folks, i've been up to something for the past couple of nights.

there's no easy way to say this, and i know i'll get shit for it, but here goes... jaimeandricarebacktogether.

that's right i said it.

now remember, jaime went a little crazy on ric (hello jaime's new philosophy on relationships), so ric had good reason to react, and so things were over. after the initial anger and disbelief, we started talking.

but of course, it wasn't easy, there were blow ups and crying and understanding and explaining, reassurance and compassion, but most importantly, there was honesty.

and honestly, we both know we love each other, and we both know we're in very different places right now; him trying to start his life long dream, and me trying to start my life. but that's just it... we finally realized it. we forced and tried, fought and cried, to understand each other, when it was just going to be impossible because we were just not ready in our lives, or in a place in our lives that it would be easy, remember evolution?

but now there's just an amazing new understanding (all because i was honest finally, what a shocker!). i don't hold back in anything anymore for instance, i say and tell him just what's on my mind. there's no longer pressure for anything, it's hard to explain that one, but he's very of the mind "do what you like and live your life, i'll live my life and do what i like, but we'll always come back to each other at the end of the day." i know! those were his words too!

and he's also recognized how much i need right now to go and do my thing. and it all kinda works out. like right now, he just left this morning for LA. he'l be back at the end of the week, works a few days, then right back out for three to four weeks, then back to me for ten days. and it just kinda works out. i'll have a bunch of free time to do my thing (job hunt, hang with friends, be jaime) and i'll have time with him as well. i get both worlds. he's living out his dream in LA, making new friends and learning about this new "guilt free/censor free" mentality of his, and gets me in the end as well. he gets both worlds.

we're both very happy with our decision (and were not too happy with the break up). we knew we wanted to be together, but we didn't know how. it had to be explored and talked about. and the universe led us to this point, back to each other somehow. and i have to recognize that the universe knows what it's doing.

now don't worry. we're not all romeo and juliet either. we're taking it easy, very much in love and in a relationship but still, a lot more relaxed than before and with a lot more understanding and .... well basically ... we want to use this time in our lives to not only build on our relationship and tweak it, but go back and further build on our friendship as well. something that i, and now he, finally really understands. we rushed into things kinda, we're already at the end point now we're just working on that path that got us here.

i personally am exstatic. sorry. it's just that, when it comes down to it....it's like... you know how when you meet someone knew for the first time for a date, there's just parts of yourself and things about you you wouldn't tell them because you're trying to get in good, and the things you don't want them to see, you'll never let them see. and in some relationships, people aren't really plain comfortable around each other.

it's the complete opposite. he knows everything about me and i do everything in front of him, he knows alllllllllllll about me, and then some.... and on top of that, a little more... a little i bet he wishes he could just men-in-black right out his head. but honestly, it's a comfortability that's unlike any other, and i just don't think that i'd be able to be that way around any one else. because i'll just say this, that "and them some...and on top of that... more" stuff... it's pretty damn freaky and would propbably have 99% of the population running and screaming for a 30 minute chat with mel gibson about christ. why the hell you think i only have 2 incredibly close friends? they're the only other two people outside of ric who would ever.... ever evereverever ever... put up with my array of strange and neurotic shit. hello can you say never picking a damn restaurant and incessantly talking about a fictitious mother and daughter team who annoy everyone but me (and up to 10 million americans on any given tuesday night thank you).

like santisha said, "hey, if he makes you happy and can actually put up with your shit for more than a day, you have my blessing."

but hey, the fact that we love each other, helps ;). i've found my one in six billion.

heart this

2005-05-16T18:45:00.000-05:00

(found the following in my 'away messages' folder on aol. thought i should post it. i've used it every year on valentine's day)

****************************

now, lets see if i can get this straight.

one day out of the year, i'm supposed to show the person that i love exactly how much i love them with chocolates, flowers, jewelry or whatever because today is the day designated to do so. and if i don't, i'm an ass.

what if i just believe differently? what if i believe in showing someone how much i love them every day of the year by doing things for them, loving them, holding them, kissing them, and making him feel like a king every day he's with me. what if instead, every day of our lives, i shower them with my unconditional and neverending love, whether subtly or obviously.

i'd rather love someone everyday of the year, and not just one.

today's only significance is my best friend's b-day, that's the only way today is special.

****************************

blood lines

2005-05-16T15:35:00.000-05:00

carelessly we
riffle through the aisle
left over valentines day cards
priced to sell
but nothing moves
we stand apart
breath barely audible
sour musak above
another nothing-perticular-to-do
sunday
my apologies
as i stare at you
you hate it
i can't help it
i've only recently discovered
happyness lies in simplicity
a glance in your direction
sparks poetry
love, blood, lines, words
hundreds of undescribable things
wrapped up and assumed to be
love

later as we lie
wrapped up and swirled
post-coital bliss
you'll walk off and i'll stare again
caught, you chuckle
reason it off as weirdness

alone in the middle
this continent in your room
i retreat
wonder
what i did for
moments
small and few like these
where i know my greatness
i see it in blue
i see it through you
i'm never as important as i am
when i'm in your arms

(jrg- c. 3/01/05)

charmed i'm sure

2005-05-16T14:18:00.000-05:00

ok i know no one else cares, but yay! for charmed and being picked up an 8th season. i'm sorry folks, but i've been with the show since season one back when i started at ut. we grew up with each other, me and the sisters three. congrats to the show and 22 more episodes (believe this puts them over the 200 episode mark). now i have to wait 4 months for the next new episodes. boo.

beep

2005-05-15T00:14:00.000-05:00

i like going out driving in my car a lot. i do it whenever i feel the need to clear my head or just think about things or just have some alone time. so i drive around; windows open, music going, singing at the top of my lungs and doing whatever i feel at the moment to the music. outside of helping to clear my head... it keeps me in check. being outside, taking in the city and the people and how big it is and how many people there are and how many places and buildings and just life all around me...it puts things in perspective. it reminds me how small my problems really are in the grand scheme of things. and that they really aren't as big as i make them out to be, that i can get through them, that there's nothing that's given to me in my life that i can't handle. being in the vast expanse of the outside...reminds me that i'm just a small blip on the radar screen.

pitt-toey

2005-05-12T15:07:00.000-05:00

so who knew bradd pitt had substance. anyone? show of hands? honestly, i was dumbfounded. (fyi, no i don't like brad pitt at all)

"We've done it our way, and I love her for that," he said. "We've kept the love we have for each other." He was also reluctant to call the marriage a failure. "It's talked about like it failed. I guess because it wasn't flawless," he said. "Me, I embrace the messiness of life. I find it so beautiful, actually. The idea that marriage has to be for all time -- that I don't understand."

value

2005-05-12T11:51:00.000-05:00

when i was growing up, my ma had some sort of subscription or something to this book series called, "the value of ______" and that blank was usually an adjective describing a figure in history. so the nightingale story was the value of compassion, the washington story the value of honesty, hugh heffner the value of viagra... well not really, but that'd be hella funny if it were.

so today i learned the value of change. no, not the change i've been talking about and not the type of change you may think, i'm talking bout change change, like spare change.

i got up this morning round 7 o'clock and went about my morning routine. when it came time to make coffee, "shit" rang out as i cursed the single spoonfull of sugar left in the bowl.

now as you know, mr. man is down to pennies in his bank account, and despite the interviews, no word yet on work and mr. man isn't 'bout to face the time until i get a job without coffee -- it ain't happening.

i sat down at the desk and pondered my predicament -- i need sugar and other supplies but i've no funds, and short of donating sperm or blood (though not in the state of texas if you're a gay man!) i've no means to make money. then it hit me...

i had 37 dollars in all collected in change since i moved here from my old apartment. yay for change machines. i'm pretty damn happy. i got some food and beverage at the store this morning and let me tell ya, coffee's never tasted so good.

meh

2005-05-11T13:39:00.000-05:00

ok so i got an interview today at 3:30 with Novotus, a temp agency loking to hire basically a recruiter assistant. that would be me. i'm actually kinda nervous about it, but i'm going in knowledgable about the company and i'm ready to go in, and make suggestions and show i can do it.

but then i think "don't get your hopes up." and i bring myself back down. tell myself that it's the universe at work, and what ever shall be shall be.

but you know, just once, when i'm down to no funds whatsoever (woo for $3.12 in the bank), and i really wanted a job, just once, i wish i'd get it.

master(s).... of the universe

2005-05-08T19:47:00.000-05:00

so, just thinking out loud here:

what if i went back to school sooner than i thought. what if i looked into a graduate program to get into sooner than "sometime in my life." i could still find work and all but try also to do graduate school so that i can really get to know and understand the industry and get more than the year i spent on it at ut because i switched so late in my years there. i would be able to get in on the inside and study more and learn more about it all and really get in deep as far as networking and the mechanics of it all . and if it happened to be ut i went back to, i know my professors there would want to help me and i'd have their support and backing. that way when i got out of school i'd be more likely to land a job that puts me further down the career path than if i had tried to start somewhere like at an office manager position and just work my way to pr. i could start out as a consultant with the experience i'd get during grad school and that'd put me down the road to opening or starting my own company.

just thoughts out loud.

revolution

2005-05-08T17:35:00.000-05:00

so a while back i wrote evolution, a piece on what i thought it meant to be.... well i don't know what really inspired it but it was something i knew i had to get down on paper.

i've been thinking about it a lot lately so i decided to go back and re-read it. and when i did i started realizing, "i haven't been listening to myself."

back then i knew the potential for haplessness that ignoring the fact you're in a transitory period in your life, or one that you were "evolving," would bring you.

wow that was a sentence. ok, basically, i've forgotten how it can be counterintuitive to attempt a relationship during a period of serious self-evolution, or being in transition. it would explain a lot of the tension and negativity, at least some of it, in my relationship with the ex-so, and honestly, in my day to day life.

when i met him i was in my final hours at ut. i was going to graduate and i was ready and willing to begin with him as i began my life after college. my my my how things got screwed. who remembers the last minute "oh you need summer school" then "oh you need 3 more hours" then the "learn a subject in two days." and now 9 months of being without work (and actually it's been a year technically since i've had a job, a first since age 17). that's massive folks. that's emotional rollercoaster designed by psycho killer. no wonder the break downs and frustration with life. that's not jaime. that's alter-ego jaime, the jaime every body knew has been in hibernation, waiting for the time to come forward and be again, but for now alter ego jaime is having his fun while he has time and enjoying life for what it’s worth when you just have nothing to do (but at the same time is still uberrobot-job-applying-machine, never fo’get to reprezent!).

none-the-less... it's not a good time for me. i've not been being real jaime, you know? i'm learning every day and being tested. every day is a trial, a test to see how much exactly my self esteem and ego can take. and it's hard. it's fucking hard. every day i sit here in this small stark white room devoid of human contact not counting emails back and forth between the best friend and i and even then not all the time but sitting alone for hours on end hating my apartment that has kids screaming constantly annoying loud tejanomexicanselenaloving a-holes staring at a computer screen for hours upon hours days on end looking through listings that are just out of my reach cause they're looking for people who are almost me, exept for a lack of experience, age, seniority, clout -whatever and it's been a long taxing 9-month-test in anger-management, self value and worth in the face of constant negativity and blows to my ego and person, and it's changing me and making me stronger and i'm learning more and more about myself and asserting myself and my self worth by slowy learning that i can't make everyone happy 100% of the time and that sometimes my feelings and opinions count just as much and have to be recognized by me and validated by me by following through on those opinions and feelings.

i needed not to be in a relationship. i was evolving, how could i expect to be able to handle a relationship on top of everything else in my life?

it's clarity. something i've been praying and asking for, because asking and praying for a job wasn't the right thing to ask for, because that's the end result, i needed the means. i had to become clear in my mind what exactly i wanted before i could actually have it. and i'm getting it now, i'm getting that clarity i think.

and i'm learning. and changing, and it's hard to be in relations with someone on an intimate level because you don't exactly know yourself yet on an intimate level. how can you when you're changing and evolving every day. i'm not stable by far, each day for me is different and brings new challenges and questions, it makes me volatile, everything changes quickly, it's not a steady normal routine and shouldn't be, cause if it was i would really drive myself crazy. it's always different.

i once remember reading a story about this type of situation actually. i know it was in a girly magazine, i can't remember what it was though. but it was a letter from this girl talking to a columnist about how amazing her boyfriend was because they had been together for 3 years then she learned that she knew she needed some time on her on to live her life before she could commit at all to this guy anymore. and he did it. he let her go. for 2 or 3 years (i seriously can't remember) she was on her on and he was on her own. they talked in-frenquently because he knew how important it was to her to be on her own. and of course this guy went about his life as well, as if he were on his own. lo and behold she came back to him as she said she would and they were happily married and she was more in love with him than ever before. and i think that's amazing. that's what i would hope someone would do for me. that's the kind of person in general i would want to be with, because that quality... ug... how to explain ... the person who would be able to do something like that, by being able to do that, it speaks immensly about that person and how they think, and love, and live their lives. and that's the type of person i would want.

but to be honest, in actuality, he would offer the option to me sometimes. he would offer the option to take off from the relationship for how ever long i needed, no time frame though that i could give would be definite though because i don't know exactly what will be happening in 2, 4, or 6 months from now. and he insisted on rules while taking that time off that would limit my time to enjoy my life and that’s not what taking time off is about. it's simply not logical to try and make any definitive assertions about my future at this time because it can take me anywhere it wants to. and i don't feel i really could have taken the option with out him taking it incredibly personally, there by ending it completely. i knew he wouldn't truly understand it or understand it on my level and accept it. it would have been an attack by me or a betrayal because it goes against what i said in the past.

and that's illogical. i am allowed to change my opinion as much as the next person, it's not a personal attack on a the other person though, and i feel that's how he would have taken it. what it comes down to is that maybe it just wasn't the right time for me. what if that's just it. that's all. nothing meant by it, it exists in a vacuum. simple as that, least in utopia it'd be.

and also i know someday down the road say in 8 to 15 to even 50 years from now these and all my opinions and postions on issues could change. i mean it's to be expected. it doesn't mean i'm a duplicitous person. and i need to remind myself that that's ok, it's more than ok, it's human.

here endeth the lesson.

(kuddos to anyone who gets that reference and it's significance.)

memories

2005-05-08T14:54:00.000-05:00

i don't know if i'm like most people in this respect, but i can't remember much about my childhood. no real memories start till around 7 or 8th grade for me. i remember small things like walking around the halls or too and from elementary, but no real memories until later.

well except for one.

there's this one memory i have that makes me wonder. those that know me, know i'm close with my ma and that i can't even tell my dad i'm gay, though it's pretty obvious. my mom and i talk all the time and about everything, my dad and i talk, but not nearly as often and usually not about the stuff i talk about with my mom.

anyways. so there's this incident that landed me in the hospital at the age of 3. i very distintively remember before the accident climbing up on the bar to get the keys to the car, then the sky through the small foot by foot square windows of the paramedics van. then after that is where the memory starts. i remember being in the hospital and checking out. the walls were a deep periwinkle blue with multiracial children painted along the wall.

and i remember my dad. i remember looking and watching as my dad checked me out of the hospital. i remember him showing up and me walking down the hall with him, my tiny hand in his, and us walking out of the hospital together. what surprises me is that it wasn't my mom who picked me up, so unconsequencial, but now it's the first memory i have, and it has to do with my connection to my dad.

one

2005-05-06T00:03:00.000-05:00

it's now just past midnight. parents got here a bit ago.

when my dad leaves the room, my mom asks about rick.

for those who care, we broke away from each other on tuesday.

i don't know what to do exactly. i have a huge hole now in my life, and i live on quite fine. i cried so much when we were together, that now i don't have the energy to cry anymore. but when my mom asks, and i cover up or keep it simple so i don't get into detail, i feel on the verge of tears.

then i think to my sister who he's met a couple of times, and how she'll be and how she'll take it (she really liked him). but i can't bring myself to say it to either of them, hell, this is the first time i've owned up to it since it happened (and no, i don't think it's because i'm in denial. i'm just ... i feel like i just don't want to. only he and i really know what happened in our relationship, it's no one else's business but our own).

then i think back to how much i did cause of him. how i broke rules i had set up just to appease him, like the "i don't talk about men to my family" rule, i remember now why i had those in the first place.

then there are times i'm caught off gaurd when i'm doing nothing in perticular and i'll remember good things; this one time, i was having a nightmare or something, and i did that wake-up-in-the-middle-of-a-scream type things and just once i yelped, 'ric!' and bam, he was awake and making sure i was ok. or just walking with him and how he'd pull on the back of my jeans and just whisper any of his little nicknames for me, how my heart just jumped.

him and i being done is the straw that broke the horses back, cept this time it was my spirit.

good night all. god bless.

untitled

2005-05-05T23:57:00.000-05:00

the moment i met you
the rain
stopped
chaotic gray of clouds
gave way to light
i could believe again
in someting more
than the lonelyness of
one
raucous laughter
feeds a once weak
malnurished heart
tender seperations
broke us
made for so many empty days
empty days are back
once again

by j & r

ok wtf

2005-05-03T22:51:00.000-05:00

so did anyone else happen to see the ads on my page provided by google. i get that they were going to be related to the content on my page, but dayum boyee, what the hell G!? why you gotta play me like that... all

"save your relationship
are relationships confusing to you? need a mediator? call today!"
"are they in love with you
if you're asking that question heeres what you need to know"
"real intimacy
have you discovered the missing ingredient for satisfying love?"
"save the marriage
can't choose between stagnant and leaving? restore the relationship!"

what the hell google?! what the dilly?! why you gotta play me like that G? wtf?!

homunculus

2005-05-03T22:43:00.000-05:00

ok folks, you'll have to follow me on this one cause this is a lenghty metaphor explanation. (and this entry is for the folks who are just really interested in wanting to know what the name means).

for those of you that don't know me, i am, sorry to say, a bit of an anime fan. i know i know. i'm too cool and hip you say to be into anime, well folks, i am. not into the big boobie stupid anime shit, i'm into the good story/imaginative writing/thinking type of shit.

for the purposes of this metaphor, pardon the name, but we're refering to 'fullmetal alchemist,' the story of brother alchemists who tried to bring back their mother at the age of 12 and 11, only to lose the body of one brother and the arm and leg of the other brother. This is based on the shows theme of equivelant exchange, giving something up to create something else. in this case it was human sacrifice to bring back a loved one. the story is one of the noble forms of sacrificing yourself for love and family. the series is actually ending with a movie due out this summer. it's huge. but i digress.

sorry for the background but it's needed. so anyways. the story goes that to create human life, at the spite of god, is to create a homunculus, a being, but not quite human, because it is devoid of a soul. it is impossible to create human life because there is no equal trade great enough to equal that of a human soul. so then i guess this all goes to wether or not you believe in having a soul or not. but again, i digress.

it really is a beautiful story. i'm a big fan of the writing of the series especially because of the familial ties and bonds between parents and child in all forms that makes it interesting to follow.

and so thats me. metaphor and blog world me, homunculus, someone who's just out there in the world, living his life, still trying to figure out exactly what it means to be human.

options

2005-05-02T22:59:00.000-05:00

i am a child of the nineties, born on the cusp of the eighties (very capricorn born on the cusp of bitch and gay)(and if you don't know what cusp means, may i suggest dictionary.com). add my generation to above average intelligence, analytical analysis and my quirky view of the world and you're bound to have different opinions on a multitude of subjects, such as relationships.

the "m" word

no, not mammories, monogamy. monogamy, the epitome of relationships for 99% of the human population. the point of which words combine (boy friend = boyfriend, girl friend = girlfriend) an two people decide that you can't be with anyone else, i can't be with any one else, we belong to each other, private property, beware of dogs. the whole shabang.

monogamy leads to commitment, and that is the goal of any relationship. to reach that plataeu of emotional, physical, metaphysical connection and commit to one another for as long as each other shall live. and so it became, that the most fitting title for it would be "marriage," and and with it came the religious morality rules shoved down our throats for centuries. but for centuries they've degraded the ideal, the morals, the ethical aspects of marriage so much that today i can't honestly say that it should be protected the way it is. yes, in the course of relations between two heterosexual people who honestly believe in the ideal, really commit to it, the sanctity of the noun is whole in itself, and is beautiful and to be cherished. but marriage being sanctimonious in and of itself as a blanket statement for all of heterosexual man kind, i think not.

and do not think i don't appreciate both monogamy and marriage and everything both entail. i am a big fan of both. i'm played and will play major roles in metaphorical representations of the commitment of the act because i believe in it and belive in my best friend, i'm all for it. i am all for marriage and monogamy.

i just don't think it's for me.

tom and dick ... and roger .... and harry
-or-
option 2

then there are those of us who believe otherwise.

it all started with scott and franz.

scott and franz are two sweet, kind, and intelligent sexual gay men i met a number of years back. they've known each other longer than their 6 years of marriage (they both sport simple gold wedding bands and display countless pieces of memoribilia about their house of their wedding ceremony, family, priest and all). scott 39 and franz 29, each brought their own elements to the mix, scott his two children and franz his family, who are close with scot and regularly visit with them.

they invited me into their home as if i was an old friend, and i had occasion to be one on one with each of them. we'd talk of everything from family and school, to politics, news and even my passion for writing. and at times, about their relationship, and relations with other men. one question in perticular i would ask only for the sheer fact i knew the answer to it.

j: what's the most important thing to you?
s: he's my best friend.

and that shut me up. that brought tears to my eyes the first time i heard it. it was so simple. 'he's my best friend' and i knew what that meant. it meant that they share a bond that's everything; husband, partner, lover, significant other. but first and foremost they are best friends. they are committed to each other for the rest of their lives, to always be there for each other. when life sucks, they share a tear. when something exciting happens, they share the joy, and when one needs the other, they know they have someone that will always be there. always. and in that is the security of monogamy. because that is what monogamy is, is it not? is it not the promise to always be there for one another, to share in everything, good or bad, and the promise to live life together?

but in the case of an open relationship, when placing your trust in another person, the bonds of compassion, loyalty, trust, respect, love, honesty, understanding, everything is heightened. they have to be, because you are placing every bit of your trust and faith, your everything in the other person and trusting that they will return the love you give to them. and when it's accomplished, it is a beautiful, strong, and lasting commitment. one that can with stand any outside force that comes along. because you know you have all you could already want.

and then there's me, in a world unlike myself

i believe i'm for the latter. i don't know, but there's something primal in me, about being a man who loves men, that makes me want to be with men. i know what i have, and i love everything about it, good and bad, my love for him and our relationship is unconditional, should we break up or stay together, no matter, my love for him will never change. i love him a lot. i love him like i love no one else in my life, but i know i'm capable of loving each person i love with every ounce of my soul, heart and life, none getting any less than the other. and that is something more fierce than any piece of ass i may fuck.

and yes i reserve the right to say it as so. because i can break it down in my head. to me, sex is just that, sex. animals don't mate for life, the only purpose for it is procreation, and furthering the race. humans, heterosexuals namely, mate for procreation purposes as well, but it's through human evolution and christian/catholic/religious standards, we place on sex a level of ethical and moral codes that are simply human made. and anything human made stands to be broken. and so we have homosexuals, living outside that microcosm of life, as big as it may be, it stands to be a microcosm for comparison purposes. because homosexuals have no need for sex to be for procreational purposes. the only purpose, literally, for homosexual couples to have sex is for pleasure.

wait. before your mind even goes there, there's a distinction that's coming up that you should wait for. there is definitely a difference, in homosexual culture, between sex for pleasure purposes or as i've heard refered to as sport fucking, and sex between partners (an all encompassing term for gays and our lesbian sisters). but for argument purposes, a homosexual couple can have everything a sexual bond entails, without the sex. you can still have trust and respect and love and a place in your heart for another man who you love and not have sex. some gay men just love men, but don't need the sex because that is what's for them. and there are male homosexual couples out there who do not have sex. and that's amazing and nothing but admirable to me.

then there's the rest of us who do have sex, and why? because we want to be pleasured. that's what sex is, pleasure. but when it's sex between two people who are commted, and are in love, and are devoted to each other, it's not just sex for pleasure, anymore. no, it then becomes more than that, it becomes love making, fucking, having sex, or making love. it's all that. its the concious decision to invest in the other person emotional attachment to the sex in order to only assist and further strengthen an already unbreakable bond. it becomes more than just sex, it's tieing yourself to the other person further, and conciously taking part in the making of pure love, joy, and trust. not something you could find by "sport fucking."

now i can only speak for gay men on this one, because it applies to gay men only, and even then only a certain percent of us probably feel this way, but there is something very primal and animalistic about men that is to be desired. some of us more so than others. myself, i am a very sexual creature. i enjoy it all, and everything fascinates me to an extent. i enjoy the idea of being with a man for exploritory purposes, to explore different ways of feeling the same thing. because it's interesting, and fun, and animalistic and primal and i don't know any more ways to describe it. but it's something that i know i want, it's something that manifested itself in me when i was single. those that know me know that it manifested. half of austin knows it manifested. just kidding folks. i'm not paris hilton.

and let me put to rest the idea that i "may not be that interested in what i already have." what i have with my s.o. is something that is too incredible to describe. each time is different from the last and never the same. and i love him more than i've ever loved anyone. the bond i share with him on that intimate level only people with our kind of commitment are privilegded to feel makes everything with him incredible and unmatchable. and we both swear its a love and bond we've never experienced. and that is just something that could never be duplicated. and knowing that that's there at night or at the end of the day is something that gives me a security that is greater than any word could describe or encompass (and by that i mean marriage and monogamy).

but there's also so much more that's happened in my life that effects every aspect of my views and opinons and my life, that it's hard to even say that these are all definite and unchanging. what i've discovered about myself is that i have a drive to always be learning something or being interested in something for the sake of learning something or even just being entertained. i want to know what everything has to offer. but hey, i'm in no rush. i'll just learn what i've relearned over the past couple of weeks... take life day by day, that's the best we all can do.

and that's me. in a world unlike myself.

no, jane, this isn't about you

2005-04-29T23:43:00.000-05:00

how quickly life changes when you're not paying attention.

wait, that's not right... oh that's right i was just high most that time. nevermind.

ok so yea...where to start. this is going to take a couple of entries so we'll just start with a general subject and work to the end, which is basically what every southern baptist probably hates and throws flaming bibles at; two gay men in love. but i digress, let's start with dick.

every man has one. every man loves their own. and sometimes, some men, love them on other men. that's right, i'm talking about dick. 100-percent-grade-A-all-american-prime-time-sunday-kilbasa-chorizo-tallywacker-meaty-man-made dick. and they... you know... with the... hmmm... sorry...what was i talking about?

oh yea, dick. so yea, men, they have dicks. big ones small ones some as big as your head. and for some guys, their head is their dick. but no. not us dignified ones who stand upright and function in every day society, no no no... sorry there dick but you're supposed to be tame and loyal and not be all whoosy woosey all over town like that. no, you're supposed to sit and stay and behave.

and that's fine. my dad, he was like that, everyone around me is like that. that's great. i'm big on it actually. i'm front row center, perkiest cheerleader.

but i've always been one for options.

tomorrow: options.

time to think

2005-04-25T15:15:00.000-05:00

the significant other (SO) and i have been having problems. lots of em. but we've managed to stay together for over a year now. we've done the shopping and talking of husbands and house planning and children-name-picking, you know all the things people do when on the honeymoon phase of the relationship.

but i've always had concerns. such as "is this what i really want?" "am i staying cause of what's been planned?" "am i staying for me?"

and that answer becomes more and more clouded each day.

i spent 4 hours of my night last night on the phone with Bastrop, who i met before the SO came into the picture. we talked about everything, and i told him a lot of the stuff that went on in our relationship. and i have a new sense of things (from the o'so learn-ed position of a 37 year old fairly successful single gay man who's done relationships in ways i would never dare say out loud, more on that at a later date).

points of contention or otherwise what i thought were parts of fallible reasoning(mainly on my part).

1. little white lies of space and time -- it is NOT something to feel guilty for to have lied to get some alone time. this is a big one for me, cause the SO is all about the spending every waking (hell even non waking) hour together.... ALL OF THEM... where as i am more of the happy-go-lucky-take-things-as-they-go-things-will-go-where-they-will-go type person. and rightfully so, i'm 24 i got nothing but time. and wanting some of that time to myself is not a bad thing. nor is it something i need to feel guilty about, because it is something I want out of the relationship. and just because he's more squeezed for time doesn't mean i need to live by his schedule, no matter how "we compromise to be in a relationship" he is about it.

2. trust is something you earn -- and it's something i can't take lightly because it is something i give extra willingly. i believe in the good of the person, as cheesy as that sounds. i like to think i can give someone my trust and they won't up and betray me (even though i can give extra funds over and over to a special friend ofmine, but rarely ever get it back. shout out to my homie! you know i love you girl *and know when i'm old and feeble you're the one who's takin' care of my gimp ass). i meet you, you don't make me gag or make me want to cut myself, i trust you. that's just how i am. and no matter how few many times you came by to see if my car was warm *which Bastrop finished that sentence as soon as i said "did you know he used to come by my apartment to ...* or to see if the lights were on in my apartment, you still at some point in our relationship CHECKED on me. you had that little faith in me to do that. yes i can be outraged!

3. bilbo did it for destiny, i'm doin' it cause of guilt -- even this final time that i was on the phone with the SO i realized something. he guilts me into a lot, cause he knows i'm a person easily affected by guilt. i forget to turn my blinker on? i feel guilty. i don't have exact change? i feel guilty. i forget to buy a red pepper for a dinner i'm making? i feel guilty to each person i serve. and he knows how to make my guilt work for him. before our phone conversation i was fine with the break-up. but then he started with the i love the cook in you, and the way you do this,and this and this and you're cute when you this and blah blah blah. he know's my ways intimitely and knows what pulls my heart strings. and i have to remember that when i talk to him. i need to make decisions based on facts. not guilt.

so anyways. i'm supposed to be taking "time to myself" to figure this all out. and no matter how much i may bitch i still have immense feelings for this man. and nothing is ever as simple as a journal entry.

oddity

2005-04-23T16:57:00.000-05:00

world so full
around - up - and through the bottom
people
all over falling off the face
people who kill
fighters who love
heros who disapoint
nobodies missing for years
dicotomy- rampant
and me
a little oddity in my own microcosm
whats "plus one" gonna do?

reflection

2005-04-23T16:34:00.000-05:00

i found a note from an old friend. i'd met him on a weekend getaway on my birthday in dallas. cuter than i thought could go for me. a poet. a shared passion. a few other meetings. and now just an instant message or text every once in a while.

the note thanked me.

"thank you for leting me come over.
for the stories.
for all the kisses.
for the passion.
for being you."

i sometimes forget, just being me should be enough.

this pen smells funny

2005-04-23T16:31:00.000-05:00

know what i hate about journal writing... never knowing what to write about. how would i ever make it as a writer when my handwriting can't even stay uniform from word to word.

i guess it could be worse. i could have no fingers to write with at all..... now that would suck. i mean i'd have to write with my toes, and no one borrows pens from "guy who writes with his feet."

life tumbles down

2005-04-23T16:23:00.000-05:00

amazing how life changes when you've got nothing to do. college ends and if you're of the unlucky few who don't have a degree in engineering or business or some other corporate american drone degree you're basically fucked. believe me i've been "fucked" for about 8 months now and lemme tell ya never once have i had lube. after college there was nothing (other than the endless hours of job hunting). no more classes or obligations. no more meetings, notes, lectures or staring aimlessly into space. no more professors or dirty bathrooms with one ply paper that rips even if you're using a novel-sized amount. it all just .... stops.

when the universe knocks

2005-04-23T01:49:00.000-05:00

so tonight it's down to one. me again. alone here in a body not my own. it's been an interesting trip this time around. where it all is going remains to be seen. back it's all come .... down to me.

my fellow americans

2005-01-01T13:00:00.000-06:00

ok folks, here's the deal. i've been trying to figure out whether or not i should just cut my hair. i looked through my computer and found a bunch of photos of me, and let me tell you it was like looking through a flip book of me growing up. it's really weird. but i digress.

below are two photos for comparison. vote below, and please feel free to leave any comments in the comments section of the blogger page (on this post at the bottom right corner.

October 2002

January 2005 (hair is about 2-4 inches longer)

evolution

2000-01-01T13:11:00.000-06:00

So... this theory all started a while back. My best friend was dating "R." And my best friend was completely enamored with R, and R with S.

Or so it would seem.

Truth be told, their's was one of those self detrimental relationships that just did not work. Too much manipulation, too many lies, and though "love," or something like it, was why they stayed together as long as they did, the problems would not, could not, be denied. But both refused to see what all of us saw; a bond long deteriorated that was draining them both dry and made them into completely different people. They tried and tried but nothing could save them, because it wasn't meant to be.

Over lunch one day at Macaroni Grill, along with a couple of friends, I proposed a theory I had developed over a period of time that I thought met this situation, and one of my friend’s situations, perfectly.

Evolution. No not some Darwinian concept about adaptation, but personal evolution.
Each of us, our entire lives, is forever evolving. Every day - every experience - keeps us in a constant state of change. That change is what makes us unique. Our actions and reactions are indicative of who we are, and can even foreshadow who we will become. It’s in this evolution that my theory lies.

The idea that two people could come together, and from two lives, make one, is hard to swallow. Now I know what you're thinking, what about marriage and long term relationships, and I’ll get to those. but first …

I’m 22. Intelligent, rational, street smart, people smart. People come to me to talk; people come to me for help. I play counselor in a way and enjoy it; I’ve always been one to understand people and emotion better than most. But nonetheless I would never claim to know everything. I’m always in a constant state of evolution. Each day is a new experience for me, and each day I learn something new about myself or the way people work or the way the world works.

Now throw someone else in the mix, who themselves is going through their own evolution. How, in the two constant states of change, are we supposed to meld, become one, and have a relationship, when neither of us, for all intensive purposes is able to say who exactly we are, and who we will become? Too many variables. Two unstable people (as in, going through constant change) can not hope to have a normal stable relationship.

S and R were prime examples. They both were still changing as people. And trying to force a relationship during change is hard to do. Throw in that R was manipulative and an asshole and you're asking for trouble. But wanting to be with another person, for most people, is undeniable. And both wanted to be with the other despite the problems. Human nature is to couple and find "the one" and be happy and blah blah blah. And so we do and some of us get lucky.

Marriage, long term relationships, committed couples; all examples of people who were lucky enough to find each other during a lull in their evolution. Relationships during a lull in personal evolution are the ones that stick. Why? Because it is easier for relationships to work when there are no variables other than getting to know a person for who they are, with each of their quirks and neurotic tendencies. It’s trying to figure someone out while everyday they are learning new things about themselves and are in a state of evolution is what’s hard; and relationships that begin like that are the basis for detrimental relationships and abusive relationships. The volatile emotions of a person in change are catalysts to extreme emotional or powerful actions, and in those relationships we see relationships that just won't work.

But if both people are in a lull in their evolution, then all systems go. Because when it comes time to go through another personal change, another evolution, the evolution will be of only one person, yes, BUT will include the other. Because that person has in effect become a part of ourselves. Our evolution may proceed as normal, but will include the will and influence of the other person. Because they are someone who has come into our lives, who has influence, who we want to keep in our lives, so we adjust our personal evolution to include the other person. It’s a beautiful and amazing process.

In surviving evolution together, the bond that already existed, becomes stronger and love truly shines through. And so the rest of our lives we spend growing and changing together, becoming closer and falling more in love.

And sometimes it doesn't work out. And that is truly sad yes, but we move on. Because deep down, the person we become, that no longer wants that relationship, was someone that was destined to be. You are who you are and you will be who you will be. And sometimes we just change into someone that can't be with that person who our former selves were with. And that is ok. In longing, and reminiscing, we share and relive that happy time, but in moving on and starting new relationships we further realize who we are and who we've become. We continue our evolution.

And it's in evolution, that we realize our purpose on this earth. To learn, to love, to live.