evolution

So... this theory all started a while back. My best friend was dating "R." And my best friend was completely enamored with R, and R with S.

Or so it would seem.

Truth be told, their's was one of those self detrimental relationships that just did not work. Too much manipulation, too many lies, and though "love," or something like it, was why they stayed together as long as they did, the problems would not, could not, be denied. But both refused to see what all of us saw; a bond long deteriorated that was draining them both dry and made them into completely different people. They tried and tried but nothing could save them, because it wasn't meant to be.

Over lunch one day at Macaroni Grill, along with a couple of friends, I proposed a theory I had developed over a period of time that I thought met this situation, and one of my friend’s situations, perfectly.

Evolution. No not some Darwinian concept about adaptation, but personal evolution.
Each of us, our entire lives, is forever evolving. Every day - every experience - keeps us in a constant state of change. That change is what makes us unique. Our actions and reactions are indicative of who we are, and can even foreshadow who we will become. It’s in this evolution that my theory lies.

The idea that two people could come together, and from two lives, make one, is hard to swallow. Now I know what you're thinking, what about marriage and long term relationships, and I’ll get to those. but first …

I’m 22. Intelligent, rational, street smart, people smart. People come to me to talk; people come to me for help. I play counselor in a way and enjoy it; I’ve always been one to understand people and emotion better than most. But nonetheless I would never claim to know everything. I’m always in a constant state of evolution. Each day is a new experience for me, and each day I learn something new about myself or the way people work or the way the world works.

Now throw someone else in the mix, who themselves is going through their own evolution. How, in the two constant states of change, are we supposed to meld, become one, and have a relationship, when neither of us, for all intensive purposes is able to say who exactly we are, and who we will become? Too many variables. Two unstable people (as in, going through constant change) can not hope to have a normal stable relationship.

S and R were prime examples. They both were still changing as people. And trying to force a relationship during change is hard to do. Throw in that R was manipulative and an asshole and you're asking for trouble. But wanting to be with another person, for most people, is undeniable. And both wanted to be with the other despite the problems. Human nature is to couple and find "the one" and be happy and blah blah blah. And so we do and some of us get lucky.

Marriage, long term relationships, committed couples; all examples of people who were lucky enough to find each other during a lull in their evolution. Relationships during a lull in personal evolution are the ones that stick. Why? Because it is easier for relationships to work when there are no variables other than getting to know a person for who they are, with each of their quirks and neurotic tendencies. It’s trying to figure someone out while everyday they are learning new things about themselves and are in a state of evolution is what’s hard; and relationships that begin like that are the basis for detrimental relationships and abusive relationships. The volatile emotions of a person in change are catalysts to extreme emotional or powerful actions, and in those relationships we see relationships that just won't work.

But if both people are in a lull in their evolution, then all systems go. Because when it comes time to go through another personal change, another evolution, the evolution will be of only one person, yes, BUT will include the other. Because that person has in effect become a part of ourselves. Our evolution may proceed as normal, but will include the will and influence of the other person. Because they are someone who has come into our lives, who has influence, who we want to keep in our lives, so we adjust our personal evolution to include the other person. It’s a beautiful and amazing process.

In surviving evolution together, the bond that already existed, becomes stronger and love truly shines through. And so the rest of our lives we spend growing and changing together, becoming closer and falling more in love.

And sometimes it doesn't work out. And that is truly sad yes, but we move on. Because deep down, the person we become, that no longer wants that relationship, was someone that was destined to be. You are who you are and you will be who you will be. And sometimes we just change into someone that can't be with that person who our former selves were with. And that is ok. In longing, and reminiscing, we share and relive that happy time, but in moving on and starting new relationships we further realize who we are and who we've become. We continue our evolution.

And it's in evolution, that we realize our purpose on this earth. To learn, to love, to live.