psycho

therapy, that's right i said it.

i saw a new therapist today. he's an older man, a "father figure" if you will.

it was really wonderful. i felt deep down when i was talking to him that "here is this man, who's older, and knows more than i do, who is coming off like he's truly interested in what i have to say and feel," and that just made me open up to him even more and made me feel like i could really be honest. it was incredible. i feel like this could really be a good thing for me in the long run.

i talked about my past and growing up. he said he din't know how to start, and i said i hadn't quite figured that out yet either. so i started with the "key players," the ones who will always show up in a story one way or another.

the hubby, the parents, brianna, santi.

the key players.

then lots of exposition. what led up to me being in his office.

and then lots of storytelling. chapter one has started.

who knows how many chapters there will be.

but can any of us really change who we are.

i think i just threw up in my mouth a little

does anyone else have this problem whenever you hear bush's voice?

just wondering.

texas size barbie

the story: we're in bed, we just watched a 20/20 special, and one of the commentators was a doctor with my name:

me: you know, dr. jaime gonzalez has a nice ring to it.
hubby: yea? so does featured female impersonator jaime gonzalez.

jaimilicious

so... i decided time to take the forum in the direction of music.

kt tunstall:

everyone knows her for black horse and the cherry tree. soooooooooo not the full scope of her music. get "heal over," a simple love song in the style of cyndi lauper, sam phillips, eva cassidy, even a tint of joni mitchell. two guitars and a drum set, but beautiful.

heal over -
w. kt tunstall

it isn't very difficult to see why
you are the way you are
it doesn't take a genius to realize
that sometimes life is hard

it's gonna take time
but you'll just have to wait
your gonna be fine
but in the meantime

come over here, lady
let me wipe your tears away
come a little nearer, baby
cause you'll heal over,
heal over
heal over someday

and i don't wanna hear you tell yourself
that these feelings are in the past
you know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
because pain is built to last

everybody sails alone
oh but we can travel side by side
even if you fail
you know that no one really minds

come over here, lady
let me wipe your tears away
come a little nearer, baby
cause you'll heal over,
heal over
heal over someday

don't hold on
but don't let go
i know it's so hard
you've got to try to trust yourself
i know it's so hard, so hard

come over here, lady
let me wipe your tears away
come a little nearer, baby
cause you'll heal over,
heal over
heal over someday

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Janis Ian

A beautiful singer reminiscent of tenille, clear voiced like sarah mclachlan, writing of joni mitchell and oh, allison krauss, that higher octave but full forced and plush voice you never get tired of listening to.

get "at seventeen," and imagine sitting alone in your room in high school dealing with your self imposed exhile or removal from the "cool" people.

at seventeen
w. janis ian

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
and high school girls with clear skinned smiles
who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth
And those of us with ravaged faces
lacking in the social graces
desperately remained at home
inventing lovers on the phone
who called to say – come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
whose name I never could pronounce
said – Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
The rich relationed hometown queen
marries into what she needs
with a guarantee of company
and haven for the elderly
Remember those who win the game
lose the love they sought to gain
in debentures of quality and dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
exceeds accounts received at seventeen
To those of us who knew the pain
of valentines that never came
and those whose names were never called
when choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
when dreams were all they gave for free
to ugly duckling girls like me
We all play the game, and when we dare
we cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
that call and say – Come dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
at ugly girls like me, at seventeen

nothing interesting

so i was thinking today, though i've started this whole writing everyday thing, that i haven't sit down and written any poetry in a very long time.

peculiar.

i'd expound on the subject but alas i'm more worn out than george michael after a bender.

nyc, the final chapter

and now ladies and queers, nyc... el tril-ogie...

(fuzzy night)

(nyc, night 1)

(nyc, night 2)

(nyc, night 3)

(nyc, night 4)

(nyc, night 5)

(my time in nyc part 1)

(wtf)

(self, over nyc)

family time

so i know i promised NYC pics, or more appropriately, "jaime couldn't stop taking pictures of himself in the mirror at empire state so he's got about 2 dozen photos of him in slightly different positions."

but who wants to see nyc, when you could see Brandon, my new nephew.

(cold!)
(smile)

(smile 2)

(oh oh oh!)

(hi dad!)

you want a slicker?

if you were in the know, you'd totally think the title was funny.

anyways...

randomness

-two days of sun in austin. and both days i've been indoors. woo.

-i've been working alone all day, and i'm pretty sure i'll be doing the same manana. booooooored.

-santi hasn't posted in days. and he thought i became unavailable when i got married. my my my now aren't the high heels on the other foot.

-i have more pictures of new york. mainly like 20 of me in the empire state building. they are forthcoming.

-brianna darling, i'm sorry for not calling. i've been busy, and when not busy FUCKING LAZZZZZZZY.... come back to austin and whip my ass and shit.

-come on you know you want to.

-i love maggie gyllenhall. she was on "fresh air" on npr today. she's so amazing. if you haven't seen "happy endings" yet, you need to. you'll flip.

-the east side is so fucking ghetto. every 2 minutes another subwoofer drives by. wasn't the whole idea of the subwoofer to be all macho and shit? but now it's so homogenous it's like a car alarm, no one pays attention little dick.

-i'm so glad i wasn't born in with a little dick. i couldn't afford a pimped out ride to mask it.

-i love love love "brothers & sisters." if you saw last night's episode, was that "closeted" joke from calista not the best she has ever delivered in her entire career. her brother walks by and she puts her finger on her lips and is holding it back and you see the actual thought process of should i or shouldn't i and it was so well executed. i lauged my ass off.

now, if only she'd eat.

i don't want any of you

ok. so this grease competition is on the TV.

ALL OF YOU SUCK.

saturdays post

this is saturday's post.

what bitches? it's been a long week.

nyc ... the return of the dos

more of wonderful new york.


(hellooooooo kitty)(my ... what a big pussy)
(thank you little baby jesus)
(bryant's other side)
(night's sharp fingers)(winter)
(guardian)
(vague)
(new york public library)
(star)
(and on and on and...)
(to the gayest construction site ever)

nyc part 1 of...however many i want biotch

told you i had pictures.

and you didn't believe.

for shame.

porrrrrr quuuuueeeeee???

and now, picture time.

(the belagio)


(the night before this photo was taken was the night bush gave his speech on tv. this was a massive protest in times square. walking up and down the streets people were just standing around discussing how stupid bush was and that the war was wrong and on and on and EVERYONE hated bush, it was heaven.)

(down with the empire)

(surge)

(the wonder that is times square.)

(because it's the nasdaq biotch.)

(more square)

(and more square)

(and even more square)

(and did i mention the square?)

(protesters vs. condi)

(round 2)

(just thought it funny that les mis and spamalot were so close to each other.)

(RENT. jealous?)

(how bout now?)

(just thought, "how phallic." that white thing is this long shaft of light boxes that light up all the way to a pointy top. i'm still waiting for the money shot.)

(heart) NY

so did i mention i went to new york? yea it was totally fab. and i took pictures. a lot more on another card that i still need to download, but these are the preliminary ones.

the last ones were the morning of the night i took the other ones. this was my first official night in NYC alone. this is what i saw:

(rockefeller center golden boy)
(rockefeller tower 1)

(rockefeller 2)(st. patrick's cathedral at night 1)

(st. patrick's cathedral 2)

(atlas)

(pier 92) (this is where the tradeshow took place)

(new jersey/pier 92)(yea i had no idea that was jersey)

more pics to come.

brrr

Picture time!


(Xylophone)

(Malachite)

(FlowerPower)

(Cold by Nature)

(Sieve)

(Can I Come In Now?)

(Wonderland)

(Heaven)

(Patience)

(The Jester)

(Sleepy)