i think i need to schedule a therapy appointment

and here's why....

the more i think about it, the more upset i get: 

should one's political beliefs, affect the relationship people have with each other. 

notice i say people and not family. i am just that kind of person that can see my family that way; yes, we are a family and i love and adore each and every member of my family to no end and would do anything for them, thick or thin. but. at a certain point, in the course of one's life, you come to have indelible values and rights to life, that you deem to be your self truths. and though you're family; we are all just people, and adults at that, because that's what people say to mean "individuals on their own doing their thing regardless of others," thank you therapy. 

so here's the thing. i was on the front page of the daily texan declaring how it was wrong of the government and anyone in this world to look down upon me and judge me less than because i am gay. i organized that entire event, i'm in a picture under a rainbow, and i talked about how difficult it is sometimes to just pretend its allright and live you're life, when you know you have to wait to have certain things given to you because of your sexual orientation. i have to wait- to be told i'm allowed to see a sick husband in the hospital, because though we've been together 20 some odd years, but aren't legally married, am not allowed to see him? that i can be released from my position in more than a dozen states in the US because of no other reason than my sexual orientation, and have no recourse whatsoever, because as in texas, it is not illegal to do so? that my family i have with my husband should not receive the same treatment from the IRS, the government and insurance agencies? 

at what point, do the people who believe that it is ok to segregate a segment of the population, including me, and reduce me to a "less than;" to label me not enough to deserve those rights, at what point, is it all right to say, "i'm fed up with it, and i'm not going to be just 'ok' with it anymore." 

and it aggravates me to no end. because what does that say in the end. what does denying that mean in the end to the person. in them, is the core belief, that it is wrong. that what i do, and who i am at a core level of existence in this world- is wrong. 

that is not ok. 

and i want to yell at them and scream about it and ask, ask what it is that disturbs them so much about it. about me and who i am. 

and no i am not saying that i am only gay. i am a man. a single man who works to provide for himself and his home, and his own family. for his kids, and in the while, providing and working towards a better life, not bothering anyone, and helping where i can. i am a man, who happens to be gay. 

what of it. 

how is it such a small aspect of who i am detracts and makes me a person who is not equal in the eyes of others; desperate and as hyperbolic as that sounds, rife with self loathing and self pity as some could take it-- it is anything but. it is growing up in this world, aware of being gay by the time i was 12, and knowing always, that no matter how happy i was and no matter how much i made for myself in this world, i would always be second class in America; where the minority and unenlightened- the unaware, the plain ignorant- are able to dictate what it is that is right for the majority, and deem it appropriate to treat me with disrespect, by holding these beliefs, and decide for me what i should have in my life, or deny outright, and/or instead provide me an alternative to satiate the distaste from being denied basic liberties. 

i worked for 2 years in college to make it a worse punishment to commit a vicious act on another person based on their race, gender, or sexuality. 

i had to work for that- work for it. it is impossible to convey the anger, the indignation, to think that there are those out there to think it is OK to commit a crime based on hate- OK to leave a gay man to die in the middle of rural wyoming, beaten and bloody- left to die, hung like a scarecrow on a desolate fence post. to drag a black man from a tow hitched to a pick-up down a dirt road in Texas- until he died from losing too much blood. he was alive the entire time- the entire three miles of the dragging- until a pot hole finally severed the head he had tried to keep up the full three miles. he lost his arm as well. and the three men that did it did it because they "hated" him for the color of his skin. 

it is simply not ok with me. it goes against everything i am and who i am in this world. 

perverse as it is, i want someone to just stand in front of me and look me in the eyes and tell me to my face, i don't think you should be able to get married, because you are gay. that entire sentence word for word. what that would accomplish or give me or prove, i could not tell you. but at some point; i want to at least believe that such ignorance really does exist, and i'm not just making it all up in my head. 

and as much as i know in my heart of hearts that everyone is allowed to believe in what they chose to believe in, and having studied religions and cultures i know what it is to accept that i believe what i believe, and others believe what they believe, and in those beliefs we actually have much in common. 

 

but. when those beliefs conflict on such a basic level with my own, i cannot but pause and take stock of what that means to me, and the relationship i have with people who debate with themselves and in the end choose those beliefs. 

and so, at the end of the day, and the over-neurotic dialogue in my head, i'm left in in an uncomfortable position; at what point is it just not ok to be placid and act like it's completely acceptable to believe in and want those kind of beliefs deciding what i can and can't do with my life. 

so endeth the tonight's perturbing mind fuck and consuming thoughts. good night. 

psycho

therapy, that's right i said it.

i saw a new therapist today. he's an older man, a "father figure" if you will.

it was really wonderful. i felt deep down when i was talking to him that "here is this man, who's older, and knows more than i do, who is coming off like he's truly interested in what i have to say and feel," and that just made me open up to him even more and made me feel like i could really be honest. it was incredible. i feel like this could really be a good thing for me in the long run.

i talked about my past and growing up. he said he din't know how to start, and i said i hadn't quite figured that out yet either. so i started with the "key players," the ones who will always show up in a story one way or another.

the hubby, the parents, brianna, santi.

the key players.

then lots of exposition. what led up to me being in his office.

and then lots of storytelling. chapter one has started.

who knows how many chapters there will be.

but can any of us really change who we are.

meditation on mediation

so something wild has happened this year. i'm not going home for thanksgiving.

actually, i'm spending it in austin with the hubby and our little group of people and family.

it has gone over.... well interestingly with the family.

namely, mr. jaime took a stand.

see, every year it seems my family can't make a decision one way or another without fucking everything up and making it all more complicated than it has to be. and who's the one that always rushes in and tries to fix everything?

that's right.

so this year, i had enough.

every year it seems someone needs someone to help get one person or another one place or another. and i always end up sleeping on a floor or a couch.

not this year.

so my ma calls a few nights ago. the sis is heading into austin THURSDAY MORNING and she needs a way to get down to mcallen.

guess who got volunteered to do so.

or they can all come up to austin and spend thanksgiving in bastrop.

wha wha whaaaat?

well this year, after inviting everyone in july to come up to the house in bastrop and then getting this phone call a WEEK BEFORE THANKSGIVING mr. jaime had enough.

i was pissed. i got on my phone and basically bitched out my sister on her voicemail for about 10 minutes straight, made my mother cry at one point, and had to get a counciling session with the hubby in order for me to get rid of the overridding guilt and anger i was beating myself over the head with.

BUT.

lisa STILL hasnt' called me (did i tell you she went to dallas under the assumption she was going to training but actually went with a man and shrugged off the training all together, and still hasn't called me since?)(or since the voicemail?). my ma got over it rather quickly, and went to my little brother to get him to help.

so my brother will come and spend a night with me, and i always enjoy hangin' out with him cause lets face it, pot heads are rarely ever bored. and me and him are gonna just relax and catch up. he drives back home the next day with my sister.

i also made it very clear that my mom and family had a week to come up with plans for xmas cause i ain't going to be the gay mediator any more.

mr. fix everything is closed for fucking business my friend.

and you know, yea, it's harder now with well everything. i'm basically married, with 4 kids, THREE of which are handicapped (in the special way not the put my hand in a waffle iron way), i've got a career, a store, and an online business, AND sub at work for the hubby when he needs an assistant. it's not just that my life is well ... now a life, and i'm always busy and rarely have a day off, but it's the inconsideration for the fact that out of 4 children and 6 people in my family, that i'm always the one that's made or convinced that it is my job to make sure holidays go well, that we're all together for gatherings and that everyone is well taken care of.

where does everyone else fit into this picture? why isn't my older brother rushing in with offers of assistance. why isn't my sister the one on the phone with me and my mother trying to arrange HER plans and methods of travel so that she can be where she wants to be? why isn't my little brother running in with solutions and resolutions.

because i'm the gay one, and the gays always make happy.

well this gay is done with all that. and guilt, being that man made synthetic emotion, now is my only obstacle. because where as i still feel a tinsy bit of guilt over how all this went over, i'm still the one that has 4 jobs, a kid and a husband, and i just can't drop all that for a fucking turkey who 5 hours previous was getting fisted.

and I? well i just have to let out a long happy :: SIGH ::. no mcallen for 4 days, wanting to just get out of there the minute i get there. no having to drive 8 hours to and from, no traffic, no cutting myself in the bathroom.

definitly worth the self flagalation.

but... about this no turkey thing....

history

that i could sing
to praise and love you
with melodies and notes
made sweet

tender music
to explain
tender motions
and emotions
inside

and your like...

a symphony
god's light so gold
and ancient eyes

gaze

at me

and i wonder
are you fed up?

and i see your frustration
pain
and i would take you from it

this... world

and take you away
fram all their
pain
and sorrow
that rips
tender flesh
left you wounded and scarred
that a love
like mine
like mind
could mirraculously heal
scars, tender,

deep as oceans
deep as yours
deep as years

and with each kiss...

i heal you
i heal you

i heal you

i can only pray
pray to lead
pray to love
pray for strength
pray to care for you
harder
truer
deeper

stronger
tenderly

so you can do
what your soul needs of you
and i pray
that i
am part
of it's mission

chapters

i told my therapist about my situation a few months ago, the day after i decided to end a friendship with a friend.

it was amazing how much she told me i had the right to feel justified about. for instance, having done so much and not feeling appreciated, thanked, or compensated, i was told that i should have always made a stipulation to following through on any favor. i have taken that to heart.

that when i do something for someone, the logical thing would be to want to feel appreciated for it, and to not feel that appreciation does indeed warrant feeling used or taken advantage of. i have taken that to heart.

to have someone who is supposed to be a close friend degrade you in anyway that makes you feel bad about yourself is not really a friend. it's a form of verbal abuse and to feel angry or resentful about it is also justified. i have taken that to heart.

so yes, ladies and gentlemen, therapy has done me well.

anonymous, where's your testicular fortitude

if you know family guy you got the title.

in other news.

earlier this year, i got this comment:

Anonymous said...
can't help but laugh...but then again you always made me laugh. Haven't talked to you in over two years, well since that day I drove away in the black suv. Glad you are still the same. However me...not so much.
I will never forget...

Where are you? Don't I deserve more than a random message left on my blog? I would *think* i deserve more. How did you find this anyways? Email me, you know it or you can get it from here. We need to talk.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

and to the comment from a august: i didn't start slinging shit online first. watch your back. i'm a bigger bitch than you'll ever be. nuff said. and no. i don't want to hear it from you or what you think.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

and to brianna..... WOO HOO VACAY!!! ooh girl wait till you get here. we gonna have some fun :) . Brown bar you say? Cigars you say? Brown Bar Cosmos you say? My my my you do know how to talk sweet whispers to this fag don't you? ;)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

i interviewed for this incredible job. if i get it i'll report back here for the juicy tidbits. lets just say i LOVE project runway.

therapy

a number of years ago i was in high school. while there i met Ralph. Ralph and i never really knew knew each other in high school, but we were thrown into a chemistry class together at UT and so began our friendship.

ralph and i, both gay, met each other's respective boys at times and one of those times i was introduced to Santiago.

Santiago says that at our first meeting, i didn't like him at all, which is rarely true, because though there are times i know i won't like someone, mama always taught this boy to be nice and cordial and to not ruffle feathers, and as i think about it, i honestly doubt that i was just a complete and outright bitch to him. but i digress.

now a year down the road, ralph and i were friends, and in santi, a fellow "writer," i found a good friend. and a friendship started that would become what it is today.

non existent.

because friendship is a two way street and sometimes, when it becomes one way, someone will take their leave.

"A friend is one that accepts how one is, what one does (or not), and goes on in life being happy that we have the friendship.

Santi is just a year younger than me, but our worlds are so far apart, most would think that our friendship weird. A twink and a "bear" as he calls me, which i don't really agree with, as i don't necessarily like any label, but so be it, usually aren't seen together at a labor day weekend splash event rolling on x and having a ball.

did i mention i paid for the tickets for both of us, the x and g for the both of us, and never actually got a "thank you" for the great time had by all?

don't worry, i got used to it.

it started out simple. we'd go out, and me always having a job, and a family support system that always made it so that if i was in trouble i would have at least a little money (my family isn't rich at all. i'm saying that when i'd get down to broke, my mom would send an extra $20 that she could afford to send)(thank you both mom and dad by the way). i'd always manage to get both of us out. and not only did i drive us everywhere, i would by dinner, drinks, cover, hotel rooms -- anything that we needed i would make sure both of us were accomodated to a point that having a good time would not be stressful.

i did this for 4 years.

in all i've paid santiago's way in our friendship for a number of years. dinners, and lunches, movies and food, i'd buy him cigarrettes and food, hotel room stays and trips to dallas, i even drove him to get his mother or see his mother in dallas and ft. worth about 4 times, never asked for anything other than his company (no gas money or food money or stay money, nothing) and only 2 of those trips did i get a sincere thank you, and of all the things i've bought and paid for, like clothes and groceries and drugs and liquor and beer, you name it, about 20% of the time did i ever get a thank you. how do i know this, because i paid for it thank you, and i remember when people are appreciative.

but i never held any of it against him. santiago doesn't necessarily have the means always and my friendship and time with him meant more to me than any amount of money i would spend. he and brianna, being my best friends, our friendship meant more than what they could or can supply me with, so whatever needed to be done, i would do it.

i made sure that i accepted him, good times and bad, no matter what. because my friendship with him was invaluable to me. and i was happy enough with just his friendship.

did i also mention that at any time, santiago seemed to make it a point to always let me know a number of things: why are you wearing that girl? you've put on some weight girl! gross girl how can you stand being so hairy? well at least i'm not fat like you girl! well at least i'm not as old as you girl!

and each of those statements has about 10 variations and each one i've heard for the past 4 years anywhere from 2-10 times a week, depending on how much time in person or on the phone i spent with him.

but still, i wanted his friendship. his jabs, i wrote up to banter and didn't let them affect me.

but still, it does, even if only sometimes, anyone would feel the same.

and in the meantime, when ever he was in rough times, i was always there. always. i always made sure he wouldn't stay in a bad place for long. party nights, outtings, phone calls, therapy over the phone, whatever he needed to feel better, i was there to provide.

his brothers ganging up on him, "girl your brothers are just jealous of you," mother going through rough times, incredibly rough, "yea girl, we'll go this weekend, don't worry, we'll take care of her," paychecks gone before food, "yes girl, i'll buy your cigarrettes and wendy's," and only occasionally, a thank you, that if was at least given 75% of the time, where we are now, no longer friends, would never have happened.

i entered into a relationship about 2 and a half years ago. ric, older than i, about 20 years older, we're bound to have our share of conflict, conflict that in actuality is about 5% of the time, though since i don't talk to anyone about the abundance of good things, but need support through the bad times, seems like all the time to my friends (thank you brianna for recognizing that that isn't necessarily true).

santiago rarely has anything nice to say about him. in his relationship with ralph and javier, both of whom he fell for, hard, and later, dumped him and ended up in a relationship together despite how santiago would feel, i may have had my judgements, and i may have made my comments, but never once did i go without saying something encouraging or nice as well.

a few months ago, when out in our bastrop house, ric and i had a huge argument. no yelling, but a sudden flood of emotions, and i was overdramatic and left in a huff, on foot, back for austin.

santiago had his best friend in from ft. worth and they were at a record store. my best friend of 4 years didn't even fathom or give a second thought to somehow taking a whole hour out of his weekend with his friend to come and help out his other friend.

he would later say that he wasn't with his ft. worth friend, but was with javier. a lie to cover himself because i didn't like javier and what he did to santi, because i was there everytime santi was upset by javier, crying and helping him through his troubles with him. i heard all the crap javier threw at santiago and so i had my reasons to not like javier, but never once was i not nice as can be, and interested in javiers life when we were face to face. so that weekend, i decided, that if santiago couldn't even for an hour help me out, i didn't need his friendship, whatever reason or lie he had, i would think that anyone would do for their friend whatever needed to be done so they wouldn't walk the 45 miles back to austin.

but maybe that's just me.

a month or two passed by and we were friends again. i forgave santi, like i always, and was back to a point emotionally that i just enjoyed our friendship again, and over looked things that in most people would be bothersome.

like for instance taxi'ing him around whereever he needed to go, therapy, the store, work, whatever, and never once did i ask or accept money for gas, because i knew he wasn't in a place to do that logically and still be on his feet. and every single time he got in my car, cigarrettes, though i'm not a smoker, the radio on whatever station he could find with a song he liked, and when i'd turn it down, he'd turn it on LOUDER, and i would just have to scream at him in order to have a conversation.

but it was time together, and i just wanted to try and enjoy myself.

but sometimes, a lot of pushing, and someone will finally just leave.

having spent a lot of time together, i wanted to head to a party of someone who i thought i'd made pretty good friends with through santi, and maybe because of a drunken stupor, santiago agreed whole heartedly.

things got ugly.

the day of, under the dillusion that i was invited, and having never been told that i wasn't explicitly, i was trying to plan my day and figure out when i'd need to pick santiago up (again) and taxi him (again) to another party (again). but a series of dodges, and being told no word had come through to him, and i started to get the hint. out of jest i made a passing joke that maybe santi wasn't as invited as he thought he was.

then the jab.

"well maybe you shouldn't go, you might be a little to gay."

and i hung up.

as anyone who has met either of us would think, yes that was a little "pot calling the kettle black."

i relayed this story to ric, who at multiple times has felt just how disliked he was by santiago, even after having bought him things like $80 sunglasses, that he proceeded to lose, and buying him cab fare to my own 25th birthday party, and ric had my same reaction, "santi said THAT?"

i relayed this story to someone who doesn't even fully remember santiago, who met him at aforementioned party and the same reaction, worded differently, "of all the gays in austin, HE said THAT to YOU?!"

she met him for all of five minutes.

at that moment, i realized, i was fighting a losing battle.

what was i getting out of our friendship? was i even getting friendship back, i mean a week previous, having gone swimming, in one night, i heard how incredibly fat i was 19 different times, yes, i counted, i was drunk and i'm neurotic that way. 19 times was i told how fat i was, and 8 times how "disgustingly hairy" (santi's own word) i was. and i was CHOOSING to be in this friendship.

in the thirty minutes that followed, santiago changed his story 3 times, very reminiscent of the bastrop incident actually, and proceeded to try and make amends.

"she said it not me" (lie? didn't he say all day that he hadn't heard from her?)

"i said it because i don't know what she wants." (so then he hadn't talked to her afterall?)

"it's because her brother and friends will be there and they're rednecks"

also according to santiago, i'm apparently "really gay" in "large, new groups." which (1.) What the hell does that mean (2.) i go introvert in large groups, and (3.) when meeting new people my own self homophobia creates the "straight" persona and my voice deepens, my usual animation changes, my vocabulary reduces to what i deem as my "straight guy vocabulary," and i rarely do much of the talking.

and so thirty minutes later....

i told santiago finally, that i no longer wanted to be his friend. something that is so incredibly hard for me, because i always thought of him as my best of friends, just half millimeter below brianna, but so incredibly important to me, that losing him would dim my life. but i finally just had it. i couldn't take it anymore and so i told him, that we were over.

so here we are today. i have my therapy session today. a sentence i never thought would be uttered by me. but in actuallity, my world is so much brighter because of it. i have been happier than i have EVER been in my entire life for the past 3 months because of it. i have learned so much about myself and have gotten rid of a lot of the negativity i have surrounded and cloaked myself with that i deemed necessary in order to stay sane.

how foolish.

these days i wake up every morning, happy. not happy in the i just got laid way, but happy in the, i am alive way. and for 3 months this has been happening, and life actually feels like life now. it's amazing what just a little talking and self analizing will do for you. no more endless sleeping, or drinking or smoking pot every single night. now it's exercise and eating right and enjoying things like my dogs and our clients and hour long conversations with brianna and my mom and my sister, and discovering finally all the joy that life can bring.

A friend is one that accepts how one is, what one does (or not), and goes on in life being happy.

8.16.06

in quiet passing

at night
alone, in thought
i rape
myself

tear myself
limb from heart
and i think

my
what a quiet passing

that young man that never grew up
that adult man that never allowed innocence
that man who simply
survives

in quiet passing
i am
the worst
i've ever been
there are things that i
like a small child
turn away from
and shun
that they'd disappear
a dream

but in daylight
nightmares
of inadequacies
of the insignificant parts of me
that become the giant adversary that in quiet passing
steals me from reality
drowns me in

violent indigo reveries
my body bruised and tender
i am my worst fear
the avatar of my own demise
i know exactly where the knife belongs
i know which scabs draw the greatest blood
the greatest pleasure
and what truly breaks me
into submissision
convulsive desolation
to a level deeper than my core

hard times

i know
there's been some times
hard
through melancholy
though blind
i see

it's rough here
easy there
never knowing
in betweens
ours is ups

then lows

you rivers
i beams
extremes and calms
nothing in between

then
we wonder
why never middles?
that shortcut
to love
that i know exists
between

and now
hard times
abound
heavy on breath

and heat in sleep

i watch you
wish
that when i weep
that tears
of devotion
would heal all your needs
words often hollow
do only so much

what you need is more than i can offer in thought or in touch

i try
my hardest
sow for us love
what brought you to me
so now
in hard times

let me take care of us
until we can take care of you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

i know that there's been some hard times
even through melancholy, though blind, i still see
it's rough here easy there
never knowing the in betweens
ours is ups and lows, you rivers and i beams
extremes and calms and so it never seems
that for us a middle exists
a shortcut to love that's you and me

and now hard times abound
heavy on breath and heat in sleep
i watch you and wish that if i would weep
that tears of devotion would heal your needs
cause words are hollow and can do so much
what you need is more than i can offer in thought or in touch

but i want to try my hardest, and sow for us love
that thing that brought you to me
so right now in hard times i want you to see
that i want you to let me take care of us
until we can take care of you.

************************************************

a poem, for you, because sometimes i know not how to do anything else. -j

Hypocrisy

today hundreds of thousands illegal immigrants took to the streets to protest proposed legislation that would make the status of illegal immigrants a crime.

i have never been more disgusted with our government and the american people who would support this kind of legislation.

sick to my stomach disgusted.

how dare you. how dare you propose or support this at all. you should fucking be ashamed of yourselves.

at some point in time every american, in this god forsaken country (since bush took over i should point out), at one point in time, in thier family line somewhere, was an immigrant to this country. the only true native people of this country are the native americans that were here before the rest of us came here and fucked them over.

hypocrites, the lot of you. i hope in the kharmic circle each of you gets what you deserve. three fold. i fucking pray you get whats coming to you.

************************************************************************

Immigrants Hope to Show Strength With Boycott
By Laura Wides-Munoz, AP

HOMESTEAD, Fla. (May 1) -- Hundreds of thousands of mostly Hispanic immigrants skipped work and took to the streets Monday, flexing their newfound political muscle in a nationwide boycott that succeeded in slowing or shutting many farms, factories, markets and restaurants.

From Los Angeles to Chicago, New Orleans to Houston, the "Day Without Immigrants" attracted widespread participation despite divisions among activists over whether a boycott would send the right message to Washington lawmakers considering sweeping immigration reform.

"I want my children to know their mother is not a criminal," said Benita Olmedo, a nanny who came here illegally in 1986 from Mexico and pulled her 11-year-old daughter and 7-year-old son from school to march in San Diego. "I want them to be as strong I am. This shows our strength."

Police estimated 300,000 people marched through Chicago's business district, and hundreds of thousands more were expected at rallies in New York and Los Angeles. Smaller rallies were planned in more than 50 other cities across the nation.

In heavily Hispanic Perth Amboy, N.J., a normally bustling business district was quiet and still. Block after block of record shops, cafes and produce stores were shuttered on the usually traffic-choked street.

In the Los Angeles area, normally bustling restaurants and markets were dark and truckers avoided the nation's largest shipping port. About one in three small businesses was closed downtown, including the cluttered produce market and fashion district.

Industries that rely on immigrant workers were clearly affected, though the impact was not uniform.

Tyson Foods Inc., the world's largest meat producer, shuttered about a dozen of its more than 100 plants and saw "higher-than-usual absenteeism" at others. Most of the closures were in states such as Iowa and Nebraska. Eight of 14 Perdue Farms chicken plants also closed for the day.

Organizers of the rallies instructed protesters to wear white and bring American flags to symbolize peaceful intentions and love of the United States. Many carried signs in Spanish that translated to "We are America" and "Today we march, tomorrow we vote." Others waved Mexican flags or wore hats and scarves from their native countries. Some chanted "USA" while others shouted slogans, such as "Si se puede!," Spanish for "Yes, it can be done!"

"We are the backbone of what America is, legal or illegal, it doesn't matter," said Melanie Lugo, who was among thousands attending a rally in Denver with her husband and their third-grade daughter.

"We butter each other's bread. They need us as much as we need them," she said.

The White House reacted coolly.

"The president is not a fan of boycotts," said press secretary Scott McClellan. "People have the right to peacefully express their views, but the president wants to see comprehensive reform pass the Congress so that he can sign it into law."

The boycott was organized by immigrant activists angered by federal legislation that would criminalize illegal immigrants and fortify the U.S-Mexico border. The event split the burgeoning movement, however _ some advocated attending school and work but rallying after business hours.

Ernest Calderon, a 38-year-old concrete worker, came to the Chicago rally with a sign listing the names of his heroes: Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy and Pancho Villa.

"Our heroes understood that they had to fight for freedom and democracy, and we are here doing the same," said Calderon, who came from Mexico and gained his citizenship more than a decade ago. "We are here for the same reasons."

None of the 175 seasonal laborers who normally work Mike Collins' 500 acres of Vidalia onion fields in southeastern Georgia showed up Monday.

"We need to be going wide open this time of year to get these onions out of the field," he said. "We've got orders to fill. Losing a day in this part of the season causes a tremendous amount of problems."

It was the same story in Indiana, where the owner of a landscaping business said he was at a loss. About 25 Hispanic workers _ 90 percent of the field work force _ never reported Monday to Salsbery Brothers Landscaping.

"We're basically shut down in our busiest month of the year," said owner Jeff Salsbery. "It's going to cost me thousands of dollars."

The construction and nursery industries were among the hardest hit by the work stoppage in Florida.

Bill Spann, executive vice president of the Association of General Contractors, said more than half the workers at construction sites in Miami-Dade County did not show up Monday.

"If I lose my job, it's worth it," said Jose Cruz, an immigrant from El Salvador who protested with several thousand others in the rural Florida city of Homestead rather than work his construction job. "It's worth losing several jobs to get my papers."

The impact on schools was not so clear. In Santa Ana, the Orange County seat, about 3,000 middle and high school students were absent. The 62,000-student district is about 90 percent Hispanic.

Not far away, in the normally bustling Port of Long Beach, about 30 miles south of downtown Los Angeles, was eerily quiet, with many truck drivers avoiding work. Lunch truck operator Sammy Rodriguez, 77, said 100 trucks normally line up in the mornings outside the California United Terminals. On Monday, he said, just three or four showed up.

Some of the rallies drew small numbers of counter-protesters, including one in Pensacola, Fla.

"You should send all of the 13 million aliens home, then you take all of the welfare recipients who are taking a free check and make them do those jobs," said Jack Culberson, a retired Army colonel who attended the Pensacola rally. "It's as simple as that."

Jesse Hernandez, who owns a Birmingham, Ala., company that supplies Hispanic laborers to companies around the Southeast, shut down his four-person office in solidarity with the demonstrations.

"Unfortunately," he said, "human nature is that you don't really know what you have until you don"t have it."

Associated Press writers Laura Wides-Munoz in Homestead, Fla.; Janet McConnaughey in New Orleans; Jon Sarche in Denver; Alex Veiga in Long Beach, Calif.; Andrew Dalton and Christina Almeida in Los Angeles; Greg Bluestein in Atlanta; Michael Rubinkam in Allentown, Pa.; and Gregg Aamott in Minneapolis contributed to this report.

well lookie what we have here boys... a Grade A 100% beef faggot

and don't you forget it.

::pours himself a cup of coffee and a shot of vodka and sits down::

so... ... ... how are you?

really. that bad. your mother? with the butler? AND col. mustard!

horrid.

on to happier topics. take me for instance. no really, feel free, i'm that kind of slutty.

so life is good. i'm 25 now. and not much has changed. well except for the addition of a deaf and blind white australian shepard mix who's now 14 weeks old and named Marshmallow, or Mela, for short. get it.

she bumps into things. shakes it off and walks off. she hits everything. chairs, walls, doors, furntire, sinks... it's really quite hilarious.

but shes a trooper.

oh and i've started ebaying. i'm an ebay whore. but hey it's fun and i'm pretty good at it. i'll plug it more later. for now...

25 and in a month a 2 year anniversary. damn, i started this in 2004... you should check out some of those old posts, the first ones, they're a trip. i'm a damn good writer.

i am doing well.

i hate bitches. seriously, all kinds too. i don't discriminate. i hate all 'dem bitches.

santi is probably shocked that i posted.

yea well fuck you too bitch.

did i tell you about the time he recorded over my gilmore girls with survivor and the o.c. ... i gagged so hard... oh excuse ... gotta gag ... oh shit that's where that dildo went.

and brianna is a story whore for her newspaper. work it girl. work it. i say strike if they don't up the anty. hehe ... i finaly got to say anty.

do you find me funny? do i make you, perhaps, randy?

hi randy i'm jaime.

and i'll try to post more often.

gift

gift

as children
we dreamed
spun around in open fields
starring defiantly at the sun
and we dreamed

we dreamed
"the faster, the higher"
as arms became wings
wind beckoned our call
and off we flew
higher and closer to the sun
till our homes became small
and our souls filled with air
and suddenly our dreams
fulfilled
and suddenly dizzy at accomplishment
we'd lie down and giggle
till the excitement of dream's awakened
lay gently back asleep
inside of our hearts

we grow up

and suddenly life is more complex
and our arms no longer become wings
and we stare melancholy to the sun
wishing to taste its sweet rays once again

to again feel the thrill of flight
to again feel more than what our lives have become
to again ... feel

but one in a special few
though all god's children
never lost the gift he gave us
wings of dreaming
instead they become
were forced
or were simply left better
undercover
close to us, wrapped gently around our hearts
protection from a cruel world
and heart bitter with resentment
who tried to clip dreams
of more than just a life
were shielded against
and our dreams
guarded
became our hope
and salvation

till one day they could unfurl
strong and beautiful
sun lit ivory snow
spanning greater than the fullest sun
and larger than our grandest fantasy
and fantasies became real
dreams became reality
those special few
whose wings, could never be broken
dream larger, and grander
than a thousand suns
and whose life shines brighter
than all of them rolled into one
____________________________________

needs some work but there ya go. other LA inspired poetry coming soon

mirror mirror part deux

july 14, 2004 - "where you learned your sexual values"

where i learned my sexual values
-or-
i never had the 'birds and the bees' talk with my parents. praise be to god(dess)

i learned my sexual values on my own. you tend to do that growing up in a ninety-nine percent latino culture as places like mcallen, texas, dictate (don't let the name fool you, i'm a coconut, brown on the outside, white on the inside). throw into the mix an awkward, overweight, intelligent seventeen year old gay adolescent, and there's bound to be trouble.

i kept to myself in high school; the straight guys would talk about their conquests and all i would think about is how i would like to conquest them. and i often did, in secret of course. like so many gay youth, i had to find out on my own the rights and wrongs, goods and bads, hot and 'holy crap that's disgusting batman!' i didn't have anyone to teach me, so when i went home for the first time with another man from the first gay bar i ever went to - let's just say the alcohol i had attained after a quick hand wash in the bathrrom served its purpose. luckily the awkwardness and self consciousnes quickly disappeared and i myself was amazed at how easy, and i think just really natural it all was, like 'yea, this feels right.' i learned with my intelligence, looks and person, that i quickly became a commodity. i lost the weight, gained the confidence, and was myself, and in about six months time i had a strong basis of sexual values.

then came austin. austin just expanded my interests. i naturally had my preference (and the ever stereotypical gay promiscuity) which of course disappeared- over time. but more importantly, i had an opportunity to become an educator and leader in the gay community and served as director of the glbt students association at ut, where it became my duty to educate myself as to sex (gay, straight, lesbian, trisexual, and other) and i got to educate others inside and outside the classroom. many a bar occasion would be spent intellectualizing with a colleague, usually out for the night but not feeling the dancing, tweaking, drunk or rolling mob on the dancefloor. i even held lectures and was asked many a time to be a panel member on everything from glbt rights to growing up gay to being asked "how i like it" in front of a human sexuality class at a lutheran university! (needless to say, they asked and i told).

my sexual values were self taught. i had to determine for myself what i would and would not do, how far i would go, safety, love, one night stand-- everything-- for myself, and it's made me who i am.

mirror mirror

over last summer, i had the opportunity to take a human sexuality class with dr. nancy daley, an incredible lecturer and professor, she had us writing "personal reflections" about two times a week. the reflections were usually small prompts but we were given the option to write about whatever we like. the next three posts will be those personal reflections. enjoy.

**************************************

july 23, 2004 - "you're favorite quote about love"

"i want love to be simple. i want to trust without thinking. i want to be generous with my affection and patience and love unconditionally. it is easier to love a person with their flaws than to weed through them. i want to love the whole person, not parts; and this is how i want to be loved."

this quote is from jewel's book, "chasing down the dawn." yes, the singer with bad teeth, jewel. her journal was full of nuggets of observation and reflection. the quote was taken from a scribble of hers in a journal she kept while on tour. a scribble.

this is my favorite quote about love. it's how i imagine a relationship between to people should be. i think love should be simple, when it's complicated you're not really working at building a relationship of compromises and wanting things for yourself and your mate and for the relationship. you're more concerned with not fighting and trying to keep things under control. i learned that personally in a relationship that i'm back in again.

i came out at 16, did the sleepign around thing for years, met hundreds of guys as director of the glbt group at the university and never once had anyone spark my interest. and then he came along and swept me off my feet. we met a year ago as a one night stand; both of us at a place in our lives where we weren't ready to be in a relationship, and we knew had to wait. we did. then one night, some random night, and we're in a relationship. we had to take a break, but we came back stronger.

you don't document and count the flaws, you cherish them and realize it's what makes a person who they are, and without them, they wouldn't be the person you fell in love with in the first place. love the whole person, not bits and pieces.

and that, is definitely not a scribble.

yea well screw you too

i know i've already posted about this before, but i have to again.

i hate this fucking job search. seriously folks, with a passion, right up there with my passionate dislike of president fuckhead, usher, helium-voiced prepubescent-pop-rock bands and people who put coins in their mouths.

i ... f u c k i n g ...h a t e... t h i s... s h i t .

just got off the phone with novotus. for those who don't know, i didn't get the recruiter job. but dave, who i've been working with, seemed to like me for this other position they got. well i just got off the phone with him, and the company doing the hiring seems to be pushing for someone who can handle a multi-phone line system. so when he asked me if i could i had to be honest, "no, i don't have experience with it, but i'm sure i could pick it up fast." after a quick "talk" with a colleage, they feel i might not be the best match. dave said he'd none the less push for me to get it, but lets face it; i ain't.

it's been 9 months now, going on 10. i know i know i know, the market is bad, every one's out of work and every one's going through hard times.

not any one around me folks. not any one around me. all my friends who just graduated the past 2 semesters from ut? 4 of the 5 already have jobs. do you know how fucking big of a failure i feel constantly? but nobody sees it. i break down every once in a while in front of the man, but only when prompted. otherwise it's a solitary hell i live every day. everyone around me has their own problems, and i just don't want to add mine to the mix, you know? i'd rather my problems be my own. and what if i did vent every day? i don't want to be that jaime. i don't want to say at the end of everyday exactly how i feel, because i'll be complaining about the same thing every day, because every day is the same thing. nothing ever changes, nothing but how much exactly i hate looking for work, or how frustrating it is, or how much i just wish i could have a real job. something. i just need something.

and i needed to vent. so i hope none of you mind this post or the foul language. i just needed to get that out.

it's hard. it's really hard. and honestly, i don't know exactly how much more of it i can take.

as brianna would say... SCANDALOUS

did you notice the caps? and i never use caps or capitalization anywhere on this page, so you know this is good.

ok kiddos, gather round the fire, uncle hi-me has a story.

so brianna calls me last night, and says "i know you're doing something scandalous, when it's late at night and you're not picking up your phone... sca....nd...a...lous."

now you know why i love brianna (best friend going on 9 years for those not in the know); even the simple act of not answering a phone call and she instinctively knows i'm up to something, and it usually isn't good.

well folks, i've been up to something for the past couple of nights.

there's no easy way to say this, and i know i'll get shit for it, but here goes... jaimeandricarebacktogether.

that's right i said it.

now remember, jaime went a little crazy on ric (hello jaime's new philosophy on relationships), so ric had good reason to react, and so things were over. after the initial anger and disbelief, we started talking.

but of course, it wasn't easy, there were blow ups and crying and understanding and explaining, reassurance and compassion, but most importantly, there was honesty.

and honestly, we both know we love each other, and we both know we're in very different places right now; him trying to start his life long dream, and me trying to start my life. but that's just it... we finally realized it. we forced and tried, fought and cried, to understand each other, when it was just going to be impossible because we were just not ready in our lives, or in a place in our lives that it would be easy, remember evolution?

but now there's just an amazing new understanding (all because i was honest finally, what a shocker!). i don't hold back in anything anymore for instance, i say and tell him just what's on my mind. there's no longer pressure for anything, it's hard to explain that one, but he's very of the mind "do what you like and live your life, i'll live my life and do what i like, but we'll always come back to each other at the end of the day." i know! those were his words too!

and he's also recognized how much i need right now to go and do my thing. and it all kinda works out. like right now, he just left this morning for LA. he'l be back at the end of the week, works a few days, then right back out for three to four weeks, then back to me for ten days. and it just kinda works out. i'll have a bunch of free time to do my thing (job hunt, hang with friends, be jaime) and i'll have time with him as well. i get both worlds. he's living out his dream in LA, making new friends and learning about this new "guilt free/censor free" mentality of his, and gets me in the end as well. he gets both worlds.

we're both very happy with our decision (and were not too happy with the break up). we knew we wanted to be together, but we didn't know how. it had to be explored and talked about. and the universe led us to this point, back to each other somehow. and i have to recognize that the universe knows what it's doing.

now don't worry. we're not all romeo and juliet either. we're taking it easy, very much in love and in a relationship but still, a lot more relaxed than before and with a lot more understanding and .... well basically ... we want to use this time in our lives to not only build on our relationship and tweak it, but go back and further build on our friendship as well. something that i, and now he, finally really understands. we rushed into things kinda, we're already at the end point now we're just working on that path that got us here.

i personally am exstatic. sorry. it's just that, when it comes down to it....it's like... you know how when you meet someone knew for the first time for a date, there's just parts of yourself and things about you you wouldn't tell them because you're trying to get in good, and the things you don't want them to see, you'll never let them see. and in some relationships, people aren't really plain comfortable around each other.

it's the complete opposite. he knows everything about me and i do everything in front of him, he knows alllllllllllll about me, and then some.... and on top of that, a little more... a little i bet he wishes he could just men-in-black right out his head. but honestly, it's a comfortability that's unlike any other, and i just don't think that i'd be able to be that way around any one else. because i'll just say this, that "and them some...and on top of that... more" stuff... it's pretty damn freaky and would propbably have 99% of the population running and screaming for a 30 minute chat with mel gibson about christ. why the hell you think i only have 2 incredibly close friends? they're the only other two people outside of ric who would ever.... ever evereverever ever... put up with my array of strange and neurotic shit. hello can you say never picking a damn restaurant and incessantly talking about a fictitious mother and daughter team who annoy everyone but me (and up to 10 million americans on any given tuesday night thank you).

like santisha said, "hey, if he makes you happy and can actually put up with your shit for more than a day, you have my blessing."

but hey, the fact that we love each other, helps ;). i've found my one in six billion.

blood lines

carelessly we
riffle through the aisle
left over valentines day cards
priced to sell
but nothing moves
we stand apart
breath barely audible
sour musak above
another nothing-perticular-to-do
sunday
my apologies
as i stare at you
you hate it
i can't help it
i've only recently discovered
happyness lies in simplicity
a glance in your direction
sparks poetry
love, blood, lines, words
hundreds of undescribable things
wrapped up and assumed to be
love

later as we lie
wrapped up and swirled
post-coital bliss
you'll walk off and i'll stare again
caught, you chuckle
reason it off as weirdness

alone in the middle
this continent in your room
i retreat
wonder
what i did for
moments
small and few like these
where i know my greatness
i see it in blue
i see it through you
i'm never as important as i am
when i'm in your arms

(jrg- c. 3/01/05)

beep

i like going out driving in my car a lot. i do it whenever i feel the need to clear my head or just think about things or just have some alone time. so i drive around; windows open, music going, singing at the top of my lungs and doing whatever i feel at the moment to the music. outside of helping to clear my head... it keeps me in check. being outside, taking in the city and the people and how big it is and how many people there are and how many places and buildings and just life all around me...it puts things in perspective. it reminds me how small my problems really are in the grand scheme of things. and that they really aren't as big as i make them out to be, that i can get through them, that there's nothing that's given to me in my life that i can't handle. being in the vast expanse of the outside...reminds me that i'm just a small blip on the radar screen.

value

when i was growing up, my ma had some sort of subscription or something to this book series called, "the value of ______" and that blank was usually an adjective describing a figure in history. so the nightingale story was the value of compassion, the washington story the value of honesty, hugh heffner the value of viagra... well not really, but that'd be hella funny if it were.

so today i learned the value of change. no, not the change i've been talking about and not the type of change you may think, i'm talking bout change change, like spare change.

i got up this morning round 7 o'clock and went about my morning routine. when it came time to make coffee, "shit" rang out as i cursed the single spoonfull of sugar left in the bowl.

now as you know, mr. man is down to pennies in his bank account, and despite the interviews, no word yet on work and mr. man isn't 'bout to face the time until i get a job without coffee -- it ain't happening.

i sat down at the desk and pondered my predicament -- i need sugar and other supplies but i've no funds, and short of donating sperm or blood (though not in the state of texas if you're a gay man!) i've no means to make money. then it hit me...

i had 37 dollars in all collected in change since i moved here from my old apartment. yay for change machines. i'm pretty damn happy. i got some food and beverage at the store this morning and let me tell ya, coffee's never tasted so good.

master(s).... of the universe

so, just thinking out loud here:

what if i went back to school sooner than i thought. what if i looked into a graduate program to get into sooner than "sometime in my life." i could still find work and all but try also to do graduate school so that i can really get to know and understand the industry and get more than the year i spent on it at ut because i switched so late in my years there. i would be able to get in on the inside and study more and learn more about it all and really get in deep as far as networking and the mechanics of it all . and if it happened to be ut i went back to, i know my professors there would want to help me and i'd have their support and backing. that way when i got out of school i'd be more likely to land a job that puts me further down the career path than if i had tried to start somewhere like at an office manager position and just work my way to pr. i could start out as a consultant with the experience i'd get during grad school and that'd put me down the road to opening or starting my own company.

just thoughts out loud.