Dec 11, 2006

hold me closer, tony danza...

when i used to date (well not so much "date," as was "sleep with anything that was hot, had two legs and a nice wingwang" but that's beside the point), it was always about the time that musical tastes came into the conversation that most people were astounded (apparently) that i was a fan of the greatest decade of all time for music: the 70's.

i love, LOVE LOVE LOVE, the 70's.

but how could someone only past the cusp of 20 be into a decade before his time.

cause i'm fabulous goddamnit.

moving on.

so yea, i was totally born in the wrong era. polyester suits, the fu manchu mustaches, the afros, the discos, the skates, the clothes, the hair... the drugs, the weed?! i mean come on, throw in some spandex and platforms, and you've got my wetdream.

so i spent all weekend downloading tons of 70's classics. i'm listening to melissa manchester, "midnight blue," at the moment. it's been a nostalgic weekend. other songs on the list include, but are no limited to:

America, Carly Simon, Carole King (still love all their music to this day), blue suede, bay city rollers, free, chicago, diana ross, captain and tenille, harry chapin, heat, janis ian, freda payne, emotions, earth wind & fire, jefferson starship, janis joplin, yvonne elliman, sweet, the doors, the o'jays, the pretenders, tony ordlando and dawn, van morrison, three dog night, starland vocal band.


i know i'm such a fruit, but god, THAT was music. not the crap of today. i can't turn the radio on without hearing either (a) ghetto rap (that will be gone in a year or two, mark my words) (b) whiney voice fronted boy "rock bands" that are more pop than most of the bubble gum pop out there or (c) the person with a piano who thought it'd be "neato" to sing as falsetto as possible.

the next time i want to hear someone tell me "it was because you had a bad day" or that "you're beautiful," i'll go sledgehammer ric in the nuts and tell him to sing as he rolls around on the floor in agony. until then, STOP ASSUMING ANYONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOUR WHINEY "POETIC" CRAPILICOUS SHIT ON THE RADIO. you are and never will be comparable to either of the gibb brothers, now quit singing and go cut yourself in the tub like you know you want to.

meh.

now excuse me, abba is on and my platforms are calling from the closet.

Dec 10, 2006

pregnancy, god's cruel joke on women

so i'm on the phone with bri one night. normal abnormal psychobabble from both of us for an hour, and she's been a bit testy. so when the subject of her and her "cycle" commences, i get to wondering, "is she pregnant."

so after a few:

"come on."
"well how late are you."
"two weeks, but come on, seriously."
"i know, seriously."
"jaimito, seriously."
"bri.... seriously."
"seriously."
"seriously."
"seriously?"
"seriously."

seriously, that's how most of our conversations are, not a lot of words, but if you were there, that was 3 days worth of arguing for most people. we're that advanced. and friggin' gorgeous, no joke.

seriously.

ANYWAYS.

seriously, back to the conversation. about half way through the 52nd "seriously?" i was wondering if she was; she'd been moody, and short with the hubby, and though our conversation, pleasant, was a bit testy on her part, so i got to wondering, "maybe you should take a test."

"oh i don't want to do that again."

"... again?"

so she at this point thought she'd told me about the first time she took one, but alas, wrong. that must of been some other gorgeous hispanic best friend you have.

so i say "ok well, do you have one now that you could take?"

"yea, i got a buy one get one free when i bought it. you know. for that other day of the year you're wondering if you've fucked up the rest of your life."

seriously.

Dec 9, 2006

at&t, for all your jesus needs

so we're in bed the other night and ric is flipping through the channels. not so much flip as stop for a full fucking 30 seconds on a station that has anything remotely eye catching. we're talking the worst of the worst from dmovies on lifetime about a mom who's son is beating her while taking roofies and screwing the family dog who has an unatural relation with the bad boy step father to be who's sleeping with her second cousin a day before their wedding.

no joke.

seriously the taste in programming is HORRIBLE. i refine my pallet on the best of the best, and he's feasting on wife swap. oh my god who the hell watches THAT crap. it's crapilicious in it's crapitude. people PAY to advertise during this show? does no one else see the horror. oh god the horror!

moving on.

so he's flipping right, and by this time we're watching 4 shows at the same time and i'm just sitting there thinking "but does he actually understand and know what's going on?" and he decides to flip one more time and pops in on station 54.... the eternal worshipping channel or whatever it is, EWTN.

oh jesus, end it now and let my death be quick.

seriously, this woman is drolling on and on about her son, who killed someone in cold blood, is still her son and that jesus would save her and help her and that his forgiveness was eternal and how jesus would take care of her and blah blah blah. believe what you want, i'm all for jesus. god? my main man. but eternal worship channel? fuck me gently with a chainsaw please. no thank you.

then. in all seriousness of seriousness, in the bottom right hand corner, "for a personal relationship with god, call, 1-800-***-****," no way! seriously?! does jesus have a red telly, like the mayor of gotham city? that is so cool.

wait. that's all I needed? you mean i could have spared myself eons of sundays wasted in sunday school, eating stale bread, and gettin' hopped up on the blood of christ, (by the way, jesus? lay off the chardonnay man, you're tastin' kinda funky there bud), and not to mention the humiliation of the hokie pokie you call confirmation, and baptism? hello, water, cold, baby, me, no. i could have forgone all that for a 1-800 number direct line to a relationship with jesus?

bless you EWTN in all your infinite godlinessess. you're awesome. primo on the direct line to god.

the genius that is family guy

ok first this then we'll move on.



i love family guy. sure, it's all fart jokes, physical comedy, stupid/obscure/retarded references that sometimes last too long but are still funny and basically imaginative diahrea with occasional musical breaks, but it's all genius.

why you ask?

because, only family guy could do a reference to one of the greatest moments of all times.

not a lot of people probably get the hilarity and finer nuances of one episode featuring stewie, see above, decided to define "cool." and in doing so, performs his rendition of elton john's classic, "rocketman." now i love the song. and when i first saw the thing, i just knew. and so, stewie performed william shatner performing elton john.

tv gold.

and now i present both. because the world needs more people like shatner, he and his greatness, astound and mesmerize.

and stewie just kicks ass.