Jan 28, 2009

pair.

when i found ric-- when i find a guy. my heart jumps.

it’s small, but it’s there. it’s a feeling. a rush of blood. the excitement of something new; someone who actually catches my interest. its not often someone will catch my attention. i’m not a man hung up on looks, status, or any other conventional symptom of “mate.”

it needs to be an immediate feeling; a rush, a connection, an Energy-- perks up my eyes, sound becomes clearer, touch hot, skin flushed. it’s a small hit of a wonderful drug.

I don’t like bars, pride events, huge gatherings; I'm too sensitive. the rush of feeling and thoughts streaming out from a bar is enough to keep me from going inside. walking into a gay bar is even worse-- suffocating with smells, bass, attitude. and the crowds are not usually of people who i would consider dating material; as in austin, i don’t find shaved college kids “attractive.”

this can make life a little difficult.

it’s hard to meet a guy. i don’t feel like i’m picky, nor do i feel like i’m asking for a lot. and in actuality, i don’t even know that i want a boyfriend ever again, or a relationship for that matter.

but sometimes, just sometimes, it gets lonely.

i don’t sit around in a robe eating buckets of ice cream, but i do have moments where i’ll catch myself staring at the wall, and realize i’m feeling it.

for as independent and self assured as i am, in a house that’s not even big, a room can seem cavernous, a couch desolate, a bed torturous.

i don’t sit around cutting myself, nor is this an every day thing. it’s a fleeting thought, notion, feeling, that’s gone as soon as it pops into my head.

i own a home. i have two wonderful dogs. a career. great friends. incredible family. i am a happy person.

i’m just bothered; persistently nagged at by this feeling of wanting someone to get me the way i get other people.

i “get” people. i’m the one coworkers auto-gravitate to with life problems. family comes to me rather than my parents to work out issues. friends and loved ones seek me out for my thoughts on matters.

just once. just once. i want to be on the receiving end of that.

i want to know someone- a man- romantically, who “gets” me the way i “get” other people. because that never happens. bri, she gets me, but even then, not all of the time (99%). it would be nice to have a guy get me even a quarter (25%) of the way she does.

but even then, it seems to be asking a lot.

ric was great. he understood me in the way that he “understood” what buttons to push and how to talk to me to make me think he got me and understood how i worked. but in the end, manipulation isn’t a substitute for a genuine understanding of a person, that’s just knowing the mechanics without understand the principles behind them.

i was so unhappy with him because as much as i reasoned his manipulations off as “understanding,” no matter how hard i tried to convince myself of it, emotionally, i knew it was nothing more than manipulations.

i know i’m not an easy act to follow around. i’m logical, but emotional, pragmatic but goofy, spiritual but not religious, a fighter but a pacifist. all these odd combinations that i know when most guys take a look at get them confused. “how can you be this way, but act that way,” or “believe this, but act that.”

that’s just the way i am. it’s the way i’ve always been. it maddens people because i’m not easily categorized. and i get that; why do you want to keep people around that you have no idea what they are capable.

i have a small group of friends. they tend to be people that have similar stories or styles of communication to mine. but even then, i know there are times when i’ll say something that most people look at me with a look of complete bewilderment. i don’t feel bad when they do, i just get discouraged.

so i keep myself measured, i rarely let anyone see all of me. there are two people in this world that i could say with complete assurance that i know have seen the “real” me; i was in the womb of one, and the other is my best friend.

but going around being only “part-me” isn’t easy. i take sabbaticals-- reprises during the year to ground myself and recharge. i spend so much time being emotionally open and available to people, that i take time to turn inward to renew my stores of Energy.

it’s hard not to wonder, “what would it be like.” what would it be like to have that level of report with someone, that I’m attracted to in *that* way-- cause i can’t honestly say i’ve had the occasion to to know what it’s like.

to be in a choreographed dance of life-- day in and day out, complementing each other in form and function, reflecting light.

to understand as well as be understood.

a part of a pair.