Sep 27, 2008

i think i need to schedule a therapy appointment

and here's why....

the more i think about it, the more upset i get: 

should one's political beliefs, affect the relationship people have with each other. 

notice i say people and not family. i am just that kind of person that can see my family that way; yes, we are a family and i love and adore each and every member of my family to no end and would do anything for them, thick or thin. but. at a certain point, in the course of one's life, you come to have indelible values and rights to life, that you deem to be your self truths. and though you're family; we are all just people, and adults at that, because that's what people say to mean "individuals on their own doing their thing regardless of others," thank you therapy. 

so here's the thing. i was on the front page of the daily texan declaring how it was wrong of the government and anyone in this world to look down upon me and judge me less than because i am gay. i organized that entire event, i'm in a picture under a rainbow, and i talked about how difficult it is sometimes to just pretend its allright and live you're life, when you know you have to wait to have certain things given to you because of your sexual orientation. i have to wait- to be told i'm allowed to see a sick husband in the hospital, because though we've been together 20 some odd years, but aren't legally married, am not allowed to see him? that i can be released from my position in more than a dozen states in the US because of no other reason than my sexual orientation, and have no recourse whatsoever, because as in texas, it is not illegal to do so? that my family i have with my husband should not receive the same treatment from the IRS, the government and insurance agencies? 

at what point, do the people who believe that it is ok to segregate a segment of the population, including me, and reduce me to a "less than;" to label me not enough to deserve those rights, at what point, is it all right to say, "i'm fed up with it, and i'm not going to be just 'ok' with it anymore." 

and it aggravates me to no end. because what does that say in the end. what does denying that mean in the end to the person. in them, is the core belief, that it is wrong. that what i do, and who i am at a core level of existence in this world- is wrong. 

that is not ok. 

and i want to yell at them and scream about it and ask, ask what it is that disturbs them so much about it. about me and who i am. 

and no i am not saying that i am only gay. i am a man. a single man who works to provide for himself and his home, and his own family. for his kids, and in the while, providing and working towards a better life, not bothering anyone, and helping where i can. i am a man, who happens to be gay. 

what of it. 

how is it such a small aspect of who i am detracts and makes me a person who is not equal in the eyes of others; desperate and as hyperbolic as that sounds, rife with self loathing and self pity as some could take it-- it is anything but. it is growing up in this world, aware of being gay by the time i was 12, and knowing always, that no matter how happy i was and no matter how much i made for myself in this world, i would always be second class in America; where the minority and unenlightened- the unaware, the plain ignorant- are able to dictate what it is that is right for the majority, and deem it appropriate to treat me with disrespect, by holding these beliefs, and decide for me what i should have in my life, or deny outright, and/or instead provide me an alternative to satiate the distaste from being denied basic liberties. 

i worked for 2 years in college to make it a worse punishment to commit a vicious act on another person based on their race, gender, or sexuality. 

i had to work for that- work for it. it is impossible to convey the anger, the indignation, to think that there are those out there to think it is OK to commit a crime based on hate- OK to leave a gay man to die in the middle of rural wyoming, beaten and bloody- left to die, hung like a scarecrow on a desolate fence post. to drag a black man from a tow hitched to a pick-up down a dirt road in Texas- until he died from losing too much blood. he was alive the entire time- the entire three miles of the dragging- until a pot hole finally severed the head he had tried to keep up the full three miles. he lost his arm as well. and the three men that did it did it because they "hated" him for the color of his skin. 

it is simply not ok with me. it goes against everything i am and who i am in this world. 

perverse as it is, i want someone to just stand in front of me and look me in the eyes and tell me to my face, i don't think you should be able to get married, because you are gay. that entire sentence word for word. what that would accomplish or give me or prove, i could not tell you. but at some point; i want to at least believe that such ignorance really does exist, and i'm not just making it all up in my head. 

and as much as i know in my heart of hearts that everyone is allowed to believe in what they chose to believe in, and having studied religions and cultures i know what it is to accept that i believe what i believe, and others believe what they believe, and in those beliefs we actually have much in common. 
 
but. when those beliefs conflict on such a basic level with my own, i cannot but pause and take stock of what that means to me, and the relationship i have with people who debate with themselves and in the end choose those beliefs. 

and so, at the end of the day, and the over-neurotic dialogue in my head, i'm left in in an uncomfortable position; at what point is it just not ok to be placid and act like it's completely acceptable to believe in and want those kind of beliefs deciding what i can and can't do with my life. 

so endeth the tonight's perturbing mind fuck and consuming thoughts. good night.