living the life surreal

this is going to be one of those completley random posts.

so i just caught the tail end of the "surreal life 4" reunion. christopher knight and adrienne curry are officially an item, living in los angeles together.

for those who don't know, or don't have cable, ck was peter brady, and ac was america's first next top model. the real story though is ck is 47, and ac 22.

i know!

i am so ac, just with a lot more curves, and the bf is my c. knight. see, proof that it happens all the time, screw age differences, it's about falling in love with the person and not the number. what's more, ck's an actor, like the bf, and ac is a model, and i'm just hot. so you can see the resemblence. (and for those who didn't get it that was a joke, i'm not that full of myself, santi is, i'm not).

anyways...

so i want this ride



hot. i know. god i want that between my legs. gggrrrrr.....rrrr.....

and i'll be working at the salon as the bf's assistant for a few days this week. i'm going in tomorrow to shadow and learn a bit. he's already planning me a back story, something along the lines of an architect burned out by the man and i was looking for a way to explore my creative flair while supporting two kids and a crack addicted mongoose and a hidden addiction to 'showgirls.' care to rub my nipples with ice? :: wink wink ::

i've also decided that i'd like to take up fishing, the "swim in the water" kind of fishing not the "gotta get me some coochie coochie man whore" type fishing.

told you this was gonna be random.

mirror mirror part deux

july 14, 2004 - "where you learned your sexual values"

where i learned my sexual values
-or-
i never had the 'birds and the bees' talk with my parents. praise be to god(dess)

i learned my sexual values on my own. you tend to do that growing up in a ninety-nine percent latino culture as places like mcallen, texas, dictate (don't let the name fool you, i'm a coconut, brown on the outside, white on the inside). throw into the mix an awkward, overweight, intelligent seventeen year old gay adolescent, and there's bound to be trouble.

i kept to myself in high school; the straight guys would talk about their conquests and all i would think about is how i would like to conquest them. and i often did, in secret of course. like so many gay youth, i had to find out on my own the rights and wrongs, goods and bads, hot and 'holy crap that's disgusting batman!' i didn't have anyone to teach me, so when i went home for the first time with another man from the first gay bar i ever went to - let's just say the alcohol i had attained after a quick hand wash in the bathrrom served its purpose. luckily the awkwardness and self consciousnes quickly disappeared and i myself was amazed at how easy, and i think just really natural it all was, like 'yea, this feels right.' i learned with my intelligence, looks and person, that i quickly became a commodity. i lost the weight, gained the confidence, and was myself, and in about six months time i had a strong basis of sexual values.

then came austin. austin just expanded my interests. i naturally had my preference (and the ever stereotypical gay promiscuity) which of course disappeared- over time. but more importantly, i had an opportunity to become an educator and leader in the gay community and served as director of the glbt students association at ut, where it became my duty to educate myself as to sex (gay, straight, lesbian, trisexual, and other) and i got to educate others inside and outside the classroom. many a bar occasion would be spent intellectualizing with a colleague, usually out for the night but not feeling the dancing, tweaking, drunk or rolling mob on the dancefloor. i even held lectures and was asked many a time to be a panel member on everything from glbt rights to growing up gay to being asked "how i like it" in front of a human sexuality class at a lutheran university! (needless to say, they asked and i told).

my sexual values were self taught. i had to determine for myself what i would and would not do, how far i would go, safety, love, one night stand-- everything-- for myself, and it's made me who i am.

mirror mirror

over last summer, i had the opportunity to take a human sexuality class with dr. nancy daley, an incredible lecturer and professor, she had us writing "personal reflections" about two times a week. the reflections were usually small prompts but we were given the option to write about whatever we like. the next three posts will be those personal reflections. enjoy.

**************************************

july 23, 2004 - "you're favorite quote about love"

"i want love to be simple. i want to trust without thinking. i want to be generous with my affection and patience and love unconditionally. it is easier to love a person with their flaws than to weed through them. i want to love the whole person, not parts; and this is how i want to be loved."

this quote is from jewel's book, "chasing down the dawn." yes, the singer with bad teeth, jewel. her journal was full of nuggets of observation and reflection. the quote was taken from a scribble of hers in a journal she kept while on tour. a scribble.

this is my favorite quote about love. it's how i imagine a relationship between to people should be. i think love should be simple, when it's complicated you're not really working at building a relationship of compromises and wanting things for yourself and your mate and for the relationship. you're more concerned with not fighting and trying to keep things under control. i learned that personally in a relationship that i'm back in again.

i came out at 16, did the sleepign around thing for years, met hundreds of guys as director of the glbt group at the university and never once had anyone spark my interest. and then he came along and swept me off my feet. we met a year ago as a one night stand; both of us at a place in our lives where we weren't ready to be in a relationship, and we knew had to wait. we did. then one night, some random night, and we're in a relationship. we had to take a break, but we came back stronger.

you don't document and count the flaws, you cherish them and realize it's what makes a person who they are, and without them, they wouldn't be the person you fell in love with in the first place. love the whole person, not bits and pieces.

and that, is definitely not a scribble.

yea well screw you too

i know i've already posted about this before, but i have to again.

i hate this fucking job search. seriously folks, with a passion, right up there with my passionate dislike of president fuckhead, usher, helium-voiced prepubescent-pop-rock bands and people who put coins in their mouths.

i ... f u c k i n g ...h a t e... t h i s... s h i t .

just got off the phone with novotus. for those who don't know, i didn't get the recruiter job. but dave, who i've been working with, seemed to like me for this other position they got. well i just got off the phone with him, and the company doing the hiring seems to be pushing for someone who can handle a multi-phone line system. so when he asked me if i could i had to be honest, "no, i don't have experience with it, but i'm sure i could pick it up fast." after a quick "talk" with a colleage, they feel i might not be the best match. dave said he'd none the less push for me to get it, but lets face it; i ain't.

it's been 9 months now, going on 10. i know i know i know, the market is bad, every one's out of work and every one's going through hard times.

not any one around me folks. not any one around me. all my friends who just graduated the past 2 semesters from ut? 4 of the 5 already have jobs. do you know how fucking big of a failure i feel constantly? but nobody sees it. i break down every once in a while in front of the man, but only when prompted. otherwise it's a solitary hell i live every day. everyone around me has their own problems, and i just don't want to add mine to the mix, you know? i'd rather my problems be my own. and what if i did vent every day? i don't want to be that jaime. i don't want to say at the end of everyday exactly how i feel, because i'll be complaining about the same thing every day, because every day is the same thing. nothing ever changes, nothing but how much exactly i hate looking for work, or how frustrating it is, or how much i just wish i could have a real job. something. i just need something.

and i needed to vent. so i hope none of you mind this post or the foul language. i just needed to get that out.

it's hard. it's really hard. and honestly, i don't know exactly how much more of it i can take.

as brianna would say... SCANDALOUS

did you notice the caps? and i never use caps or capitalization anywhere on this page, so you know this is good.

ok kiddos, gather round the fire, uncle hi-me has a story.

so brianna calls me last night, and says "i know you're doing something scandalous, when it's late at night and you're not picking up your phone... sca....nd...a...lous."

now you know why i love brianna (best friend going on 9 years for those not in the know); even the simple act of not answering a phone call and she instinctively knows i'm up to something, and it usually isn't good.

well folks, i've been up to something for the past couple of nights.

there's no easy way to say this, and i know i'll get shit for it, but here goes... jaimeandricarebacktogether.

that's right i said it.

now remember, jaime went a little crazy on ric (hello jaime's new philosophy on relationships), so ric had good reason to react, and so things were over. after the initial anger and disbelief, we started talking.

but of course, it wasn't easy, there were blow ups and crying and understanding and explaining, reassurance and compassion, but most importantly, there was honesty.

and honestly, we both know we love each other, and we both know we're in very different places right now; him trying to start his life long dream, and me trying to start my life. but that's just it... we finally realized it. we forced and tried, fought and cried, to understand each other, when it was just going to be impossible because we were just not ready in our lives, or in a place in our lives that it would be easy, remember evolution?

but now there's just an amazing new understanding (all because i was honest finally, what a shocker!). i don't hold back in anything anymore for instance, i say and tell him just what's on my mind. there's no longer pressure for anything, it's hard to explain that one, but he's very of the mind "do what you like and live your life, i'll live my life and do what i like, but we'll always come back to each other at the end of the day." i know! those were his words too!

and he's also recognized how much i need right now to go and do my thing. and it all kinda works out. like right now, he just left this morning for LA. he'l be back at the end of the week, works a few days, then right back out for three to four weeks, then back to me for ten days. and it just kinda works out. i'll have a bunch of free time to do my thing (job hunt, hang with friends, be jaime) and i'll have time with him as well. i get both worlds. he's living out his dream in LA, making new friends and learning about this new "guilt free/censor free" mentality of his, and gets me in the end as well. he gets both worlds.

we're both very happy with our decision (and were not too happy with the break up). we knew we wanted to be together, but we didn't know how. it had to be explored and talked about. and the universe led us to this point, back to each other somehow. and i have to recognize that the universe knows what it's doing.

now don't worry. we're not all romeo and juliet either. we're taking it easy, very much in love and in a relationship but still, a lot more relaxed than before and with a lot more understanding and .... well basically ... we want to use this time in our lives to not only build on our relationship and tweak it, but go back and further build on our friendship as well. something that i, and now he, finally really understands. we rushed into things kinda, we're already at the end point now we're just working on that path that got us here.

i personally am exstatic. sorry. it's just that, when it comes down to it....it's like... you know how when you meet someone knew for the first time for a date, there's just parts of yourself and things about you you wouldn't tell them because you're trying to get in good, and the things you don't want them to see, you'll never let them see. and in some relationships, people aren't really plain comfortable around each other.

it's the complete opposite. he knows everything about me and i do everything in front of him, he knows alllllllllllll about me, and then some.... and on top of that, a little more... a little i bet he wishes he could just men-in-black right out his head. but honestly, it's a comfortability that's unlike any other, and i just don't think that i'd be able to be that way around any one else. because i'll just say this, that "and them some...and on top of that... more" stuff... it's pretty damn freaky and would propbably have 99% of the population running and screaming for a 30 minute chat with mel gibson about christ. why the hell you think i only have 2 incredibly close friends? they're the only other two people outside of ric who would ever.... ever evereverever ever... put up with my array of strange and neurotic shit. hello can you say never picking a damn restaurant and incessantly talking about a fictitious mother and daughter team who annoy everyone but me (and up to 10 million americans on any given tuesday night thank you).

like santisha said, "hey, if he makes you happy and can actually put up with your shit for more than a day, you have my blessing."

but hey, the fact that we love each other, helps ;). i've found my one in six billion.

heart this

(found the following in my 'away messages' folder on aol. thought i should post it. i've used it every year on valentine's day)

****************************

now, lets see if i can get this straight.

one day out of the year, i'm supposed to show the person that i love exactly how much i love them with chocolates, flowers, jewelry or whatever because today is the day designated to do so. and if i don't, i'm an ass.

what if i just believe differently? what if i believe in showing someone how much i love them every day of the year by doing things for them, loving them, holding them, kissing them, and making him feel like a king every day he's with me. what if instead, every day of our lives, i shower them with my unconditional and neverending love, whether subtly or obviously.

i'd rather love someone everyday of the year, and not just one.

today's only significance is my best friend's b-day, that's the only way today is special.

****************************

blood lines

carelessly we
riffle through the aisle
left over valentines day cards
priced to sell
but nothing moves
we stand apart
breath barely audible
sour musak above
another nothing-perticular-to-do
sunday
my apologies
as i stare at you
you hate it
i can't help it
i've only recently discovered
happyness lies in simplicity
a glance in your direction
sparks poetry
love, blood, lines, words
hundreds of undescribable things
wrapped up and assumed to be
love

later as we lie
wrapped up and swirled
post-coital bliss
you'll walk off and i'll stare again
caught, you chuckle
reason it off as weirdness

alone in the middle
this continent in your room
i retreat
wonder
what i did for
moments
small and few like these
where i know my greatness
i see it in blue
i see it through you
i'm never as important as i am
when i'm in your arms

(jrg- c. 3/01/05)

charmed i'm sure

ok i know no one else cares, but yay! for charmed and being picked up an 8th season. i'm sorry folks, but i've been with the show since season one back when i started at ut. we grew up with each other, me and the sisters three. congrats to the show and 22 more episodes (believe this puts them over the 200 episode mark). now i have to wait 4 months for the next new episodes. boo.

beep

i like going out driving in my car a lot. i do it whenever i feel the need to clear my head or just think about things or just have some alone time. so i drive around; windows open, music going, singing at the top of my lungs and doing whatever i feel at the moment to the music. outside of helping to clear my head... it keeps me in check. being outside, taking in the city and the people and how big it is and how many people there are and how many places and buildings and just life all around me...it puts things in perspective. it reminds me how small my problems really are in the grand scheme of things. and that they really aren't as big as i make them out to be, that i can get through them, that there's nothing that's given to me in my life that i can't handle. being in the vast expanse of the outside...reminds me that i'm just a small blip on the radar screen.

pitt-toey

so who knew bradd pitt had substance. anyone? show of hands? honestly, i was dumbfounded. (fyi, no i don't like brad pitt at all)

"We've done it our way, and I love her for that," he said. "We've kept the love we have for each other." He was also reluctant to call the marriage a failure. "It's talked about like it failed. I guess because it wasn't flawless," he said. "Me, I embrace the messiness of life. I find it so beautiful, actually. The idea that marriage has to be for all time -- that I don't understand."

value

when i was growing up, my ma had some sort of subscription or something to this book series called, "the value of ______" and that blank was usually an adjective describing a figure in history. so the nightingale story was the value of compassion, the washington story the value of honesty, hugh heffner the value of viagra... well not really, but that'd be hella funny if it were.

so today i learned the value of change. no, not the change i've been talking about and not the type of change you may think, i'm talking bout change change, like spare change.

i got up this morning round 7 o'clock and went about my morning routine. when it came time to make coffee, "shit" rang out as i cursed the single spoonfull of sugar left in the bowl.

now as you know, mr. man is down to pennies in his bank account, and despite the interviews, no word yet on work and mr. man isn't 'bout to face the time until i get a job without coffee -- it ain't happening.

i sat down at the desk and pondered my predicament -- i need sugar and other supplies but i've no funds, and short of donating sperm or blood (though not in the state of texas if you're a gay man!) i've no means to make money. then it hit me...

i had 37 dollars in all collected in change since i moved here from my old apartment. yay for change machines. i'm pretty damn happy. i got some food and beverage at the store this morning and let me tell ya, coffee's never tasted so good.

meh

ok so i got an interview today at 3:30 with Novotus, a temp agency loking to hire basically a recruiter assistant. that would be me. i'm actually kinda nervous about it, but i'm going in knowledgable about the company and i'm ready to go in, and make suggestions and show i can do it.

but then i think "don't get your hopes up." and i bring myself back down. tell myself that it's the universe at work, and what ever shall be shall be.

but you know, just once, when i'm down to no funds whatsoever (woo for $3.12 in the bank), and i really wanted a job, just once, i wish i'd get it.

master(s).... of the universe

so, just thinking out loud here:

what if i went back to school sooner than i thought. what if i looked into a graduate program to get into sooner than "sometime in my life." i could still find work and all but try also to do graduate school so that i can really get to know and understand the industry and get more than the year i spent on it at ut because i switched so late in my years there. i would be able to get in on the inside and study more and learn more about it all and really get in deep as far as networking and the mechanics of it all . and if it happened to be ut i went back to, i know my professors there would want to help me and i'd have their support and backing. that way when i got out of school i'd be more likely to land a job that puts me further down the career path than if i had tried to start somewhere like at an office manager position and just work my way to pr. i could start out as a consultant with the experience i'd get during grad school and that'd put me down the road to opening or starting my own company.

just thoughts out loud.

revolution

so a while back i wrote evolution, a piece on what i thought it meant to be.... well i don't know what really inspired it but it was something i knew i had to get down on paper.

i've been thinking about it a lot lately so i decided to go back and re-read it. and when i did i started realizing, "i haven't been listening to myself."

back then i knew the potential for haplessness that ignoring the fact you're in a transitory period in your life, or one that you were "evolving," would bring you.

wow that was a sentence. ok, basically, i've forgotten how it can be counterintuitive to attempt a relationship during a period of serious self-evolution, or being in transition. it would explain a lot of the tension and negativity, at least some of it, in my relationship with the ex-so, and honestly, in my day to day life.

when i met him i was in my final hours at ut. i was going to graduate and i was ready and willing to begin with him as i began my life after college. my my my how things got screwed. who remembers the last minute "oh you need summer school" then "oh you need 3 more hours" then the "learn a subject in two days." and now 9 months of being without work (and actually it's been a year technically since i've had a job, a first since age 17). that's massive folks. that's emotional rollercoaster designed by psycho killer. no wonder the break downs and frustration with life. that's not jaime. that's alter-ego jaime, the jaime every body knew has been in hibernation, waiting for the time to come forward and be again, but for now alter ego jaime is having his fun while he has time and enjoying life for what it’s worth when you just have nothing to do (but at the same time is still uberrobot-job-applying-machine, never fo’get to reprezent!).

none-the-less... it's not a good time for me. i've not been being real jaime, you know? i'm learning every day and being tested. every day is a trial, a test to see how much exactly my self esteem and ego can take. and it's hard. it's fucking hard. every day i sit here in this small stark white room devoid of human contact not counting emails back and forth between the best friend and i and even then not all the time but sitting alone for hours on end hating my apartment that has kids screaming constantly annoying loud tejanomexicanselenaloving a-holes staring at a computer screen for hours upon hours days on end looking through listings that are just out of my reach cause they're looking for people who are almost me, exept for a lack of experience, age, seniority, clout -whatever and it's been a long taxing 9-month-test in anger-management, self value and worth in the face of constant negativity and blows to my ego and person, and it's changing me and making me stronger and i'm learning more and more about myself and asserting myself and my self worth by slowy learning that i can't make everyone happy 100% of the time and that sometimes my feelings and opinions count just as much and have to be recognized by me and validated by me by following through on those opinions and feelings.

i needed not to be in a relationship. i was evolving, how could i expect to be able to handle a relationship on top of everything else in my life?

it's clarity. something i've been praying and asking for, because asking and praying for a job wasn't the right thing to ask for, because that's the end result, i needed the means. i had to become clear in my mind what exactly i wanted before i could actually have it. and i'm getting it now, i'm getting that clarity i think.

and i'm learning. and changing, and it's hard to be in relations with someone on an intimate level because you don't exactly know yourself yet on an intimate level. how can you when you're changing and evolving every day. i'm not stable by far, each day for me is different and brings new challenges and questions, it makes me volatile, everything changes quickly, it's not a steady normal routine and shouldn't be, cause if it was i would really drive myself crazy. it's always different.

i once remember reading a story about this type of situation actually. i know it was in a girly magazine, i can't remember what it was though. but it was a letter from this girl talking to a columnist about how amazing her boyfriend was because they had been together for 3 years then she learned that she knew she needed some time on her on to live her life before she could commit at all to this guy anymore. and he did it. he let her go. for 2 or 3 years (i seriously can't remember) she was on her on and he was on her own. they talked in-frenquently because he knew how important it was to her to be on her own. and of course this guy went about his life as well, as if he were on his own. lo and behold she came back to him as she said she would and they were happily married and she was more in love with him than ever before. and i think that's amazing. that's what i would hope someone would do for me. that's the kind of person in general i would want to be with, because that quality... ug... how to explain ... the person who would be able to do something like that, by being able to do that, it speaks immensly about that person and how they think, and love, and live their lives. and that's the type of person i would want.

but to be honest, in actuality, he would offer the option to me sometimes. he would offer the option to take off from the relationship for how ever long i needed, no time frame though that i could give would be definite though because i don't know exactly what will be happening in 2, 4, or 6 months from now. and he insisted on rules while taking that time off that would limit my time to enjoy my life and that’s not what taking time off is about. it's simply not logical to try and make any definitive assertions about my future at this time because it can take me anywhere it wants to. and i don't feel i really could have taken the option with out him taking it incredibly personally, there by ending it completely. i knew he wouldn't truly understand it or understand it on my level and accept it. it would have been an attack by me or a betrayal because it goes against what i said in the past.

and that's illogical. i am allowed to change my opinion as much as the next person, it's not a personal attack on a the other person though, and i feel that's how he would have taken it. what it comes down to is that maybe it just wasn't the right time for me. what if that's just it. that's all. nothing meant by it, it exists in a vacuum. simple as that, least in utopia it'd be.

and also i know someday down the road say in 8 to 15 to even 50 years from now these and all my opinions and postions on issues could change. i mean it's to be expected. it doesn't mean i'm a duplicitous person. and i need to remind myself that that's ok, it's more than ok, it's human.

here endeth the lesson.

(kuddos to anyone who gets that reference and it's significance.)

memories

i don't know if i'm like most people in this respect, but i can't remember much about my childhood. no real memories start till around 7 or 8th grade for me. i remember small things like walking around the halls or too and from elementary, but no real memories until later.

well except for one.

there's this one memory i have that makes me wonder. those that know me, know i'm close with my ma and that i can't even tell my dad i'm gay, though it's pretty obvious. my mom and i talk all the time and about everything, my dad and i talk, but not nearly as often and usually not about the stuff i talk about with my mom.

anyways. so there's this incident that landed me in the hospital at the age of 3. i very distintively remember before the accident climbing up on the bar to get the keys to the car, then the sky through the small foot by foot square windows of the paramedics van. then after that is where the memory starts. i remember being in the hospital and checking out. the walls were a deep periwinkle blue with multiracial children painted along the wall.

and i remember my dad. i remember looking and watching as my dad checked me out of the hospital. i remember him showing up and me walking down the hall with him, my tiny hand in his, and us walking out of the hospital together. what surprises me is that it wasn't my mom who picked me up, so unconsequencial, but now it's the first memory i have, and it has to do with my connection to my dad.

one

it's now just past midnight. parents got here a bit ago.

when my dad leaves the room, my mom asks about rick.

for those who care, we broke away from each other on tuesday.

i don't know what to do exactly. i have a huge hole now in my life, and i live on quite fine. i cried so much when we were together, that now i don't have the energy to cry anymore. but when my mom asks, and i cover up or keep it simple so i don't get into detail, i feel on the verge of tears.

then i think to my sister who he's met a couple of times, and how she'll be and how she'll take it (she really liked him). but i can't bring myself to say it to either of them, hell, this is the first time i've owned up to it since it happened (and no, i don't think it's because i'm in denial. i'm just ... i feel like i just don't want to. only he and i really know what happened in our relationship, it's no one else's business but our own).

then i think back to how much i did cause of him. how i broke rules i had set up just to appease him, like the "i don't talk about men to my family" rule, i remember now why i had those in the first place.

then there are times i'm caught off gaurd when i'm doing nothing in perticular and i'll remember good things; this one time, i was having a nightmare or something, and i did that wake-up-in-the-middle-of-a-scream type things and just once i yelped, 'ric!' and bam, he was awake and making sure i was ok. or just walking with him and how he'd pull on the back of my jeans and just whisper any of his little nicknames for me, how my heart just jumped.

him and i being done is the straw that broke the horses back, cept this time it was my spirit.

good night all. god bless.

untitled

the moment i met you
the rain
stopped
chaotic gray of clouds
gave way to light
i could believe again
in someting more
than the lonelyness of
one
raucous laughter
feeds a once weak
malnurished heart
tender seperations
broke us
made for so many empty days
empty days are back
once again

by j & r

ok wtf

so did anyone else happen to see the ads on my page provided by google. i get that they were going to be related to the content on my page, but dayum boyee, what the hell G!? why you gotta play me like that... all

"save your relationship
are relationships confusing to you? need a mediator? call today!"
"are they in love with you
if you're asking that question heeres what you need to know"
"real intimacy
have you discovered the missing ingredient for satisfying love?"
"save the marriage
can't choose between stagnant and leaving? restore the relationship!"

what the hell google?! what the dilly?! why you gotta play me like that G? wtf?!

homunculus

ok folks, you'll have to follow me on this one cause this is a lenghty metaphor explanation. (and this entry is for the folks who are just really interested in wanting to know what the name means).

for those of you that don't know me, i am, sorry to say, a bit of an anime fan. i know i know. i'm too cool and hip you say to be into anime, well folks, i am. not into the big boobie stupid anime shit, i'm into the good story/imaginative writing/thinking type of shit.

for the purposes of this metaphor, pardon the name, but we're refering to 'fullmetal alchemist,' the story of brother alchemists who tried to bring back their mother at the age of 12 and 11, only to lose the body of one brother and the arm and leg of the other brother. This is based on the shows theme of equivelant exchange, giving something up to create something else. in this case it was human sacrifice to bring back a loved one. the story is one of the noble forms of sacrificing yourself for love and family. the series is actually ending with a movie due out this summer. it's huge. but i digress.

sorry for the background but it's needed. so anyways. the story goes that to create human life, at the spite of god, is to create a homunculus, a being, but not quite human, because it is devoid of a soul. it is impossible to create human life because there is no equal trade great enough to equal that of a human soul. so then i guess this all goes to wether or not you believe in having a soul or not. but again, i digress.

it really is a beautiful story. i'm a big fan of the writing of the series especially because of the familial ties and bonds between parents and child in all forms that makes it interesting to follow.

and so thats me. metaphor and blog world me, homunculus, someone who's just out there in the world, living his life, still trying to figure out exactly what it means to be human.

options

i am a child of the nineties, born on the cusp of the eighties (very capricorn born on the cusp of bitch and gay)(and if you don't know what cusp means, may i suggest dictionary.com). add my generation to above average intelligence, analytical analysis and my quirky view of the world and you're bound to have different opinions on a multitude of subjects, such as relationships.

the "m" word

no, not mammories, monogamy. monogamy, the epitome of relationships for 99% of the human population. the point of which words combine (boy friend = boyfriend, girl friend = girlfriend) an two people decide that you can't be with anyone else, i can't be with any one else, we belong to each other, private property, beware of dogs. the whole shabang.

monogamy leads to commitment, and that is the goal of any relationship. to reach that plataeu of emotional, physical, metaphysical connection and commit to one another for as long as each other shall live. and so it became, that the most fitting title for it would be "marriage," and and with it came the religious morality rules shoved down our throats for centuries. but for centuries they've degraded the ideal, the morals, the ethical aspects of marriage so much that today i can't honestly say that it should be protected the way it is. yes, in the course of relations between two heterosexual people who honestly believe in the ideal, really commit to it, the sanctity of the noun is whole in itself, and is beautiful and to be cherished. but marriage being sanctimonious in and of itself as a blanket statement for all of heterosexual man kind, i think not.

and do not think i don't appreciate both monogamy and marriage and everything both entail. i am a big fan of both. i'm played and will play major roles in metaphorical representations of the commitment of the act because i believe in it and belive in my best friend, i'm all for it. i am all for marriage and monogamy.

i just don't think it's for me.

tom and dick ... and roger .... and harry
-or-
option 2

then there are those of us who believe otherwise.

it all started with scott and franz.

scott and franz are two sweet, kind, and intelligent sexual gay men i met a number of years back. they've known each other longer than their 6 years of marriage (they both sport simple gold wedding bands and display countless pieces of memoribilia about their house of their wedding ceremony, family, priest and all). scott 39 and franz 29, each brought their own elements to the mix, scott his two children and franz his family, who are close with scot and regularly visit with them.

they invited me into their home as if i was an old friend, and i had occasion to be one on one with each of them. we'd talk of everything from family and school, to politics, news and even my passion for writing. and at times, about their relationship, and relations with other men. one question in perticular i would ask only for the sheer fact i knew the answer to it.

j: what's the most important thing to you?
s: he's my best friend.

and that shut me up. that brought tears to my eyes the first time i heard it. it was so simple. 'he's my best friend' and i knew what that meant. it meant that they share a bond that's everything; husband, partner, lover, significant other. but first and foremost they are best friends. they are committed to each other for the rest of their lives, to always be there for each other. when life sucks, they share a tear. when something exciting happens, they share the joy, and when one needs the other, they know they have someone that will always be there. always. and in that is the security of monogamy. because that is what monogamy is, is it not? is it not the promise to always be there for one another, to share in everything, good or bad, and the promise to live life together?

but in the case of an open relationship, when placing your trust in another person, the bonds of compassion, loyalty, trust, respect, love, honesty, understanding, everything is heightened. they have to be, because you are placing every bit of your trust and faith, your everything in the other person and trusting that they will return the love you give to them. and when it's accomplished, it is a beautiful, strong, and lasting commitment. one that can with stand any outside force that comes along. because you know you have all you could already want.

and then there's me, in a world unlike myself

i believe i'm for the latter. i don't know, but there's something primal in me, about being a man who loves men, that makes me want to be with men. i know what i have, and i love everything about it, good and bad, my love for him and our relationship is unconditional, should we break up or stay together, no matter, my love for him will never change. i love him a lot. i love him like i love no one else in my life, but i know i'm capable of loving each person i love with every ounce of my soul, heart and life, none getting any less than the other. and that is something more fierce than any piece of ass i may fuck.

and yes i reserve the right to say it as so. because i can break it down in my head. to me, sex is just that, sex. animals don't mate for life, the only purpose for it is procreation, and furthering the race. humans, heterosexuals namely, mate for procreation purposes as well, but it's through human evolution and christian/catholic/religious standards, we place on sex a level of ethical and moral codes that are simply human made. and anything human made stands to be broken. and so we have homosexuals, living outside that microcosm of life, as big as it may be, it stands to be a microcosm for comparison purposes. because homosexuals have no need for sex to be for procreational purposes. the only purpose, literally, for homosexual couples to have sex is for pleasure.

wait. before your mind even goes there, there's a distinction that's coming up that you should wait for. there is definitely a difference, in homosexual culture, between sex for pleasure purposes or as i've heard refered to as sport fucking, and sex between partners (an all encompassing term for gays and our lesbian sisters). but for argument purposes, a homosexual couple can have everything a sexual bond entails, without the sex. you can still have trust and respect and love and a place in your heart for another man who you love and not have sex. some gay men just love men, but don't need the sex because that is what's for them. and there are male homosexual couples out there who do not have sex. and that's amazing and nothing but admirable to me.

then there's the rest of us who do have sex, and why? because we want to be pleasured. that's what sex is, pleasure. but when it's sex between two people who are commted, and are in love, and are devoted to each other, it's not just sex for pleasure, anymore. no, it then becomes more than that, it becomes love making, fucking, having sex, or making love. it's all that. its the concious decision to invest in the other person emotional attachment to the sex in order to only assist and further strengthen an already unbreakable bond. it becomes more than just sex, it's tieing yourself to the other person further, and conciously taking part in the making of pure love, joy, and trust. not something you could find by "sport fucking."

now i can only speak for gay men on this one, because it applies to gay men only, and even then only a certain percent of us probably feel this way, but there is something very primal and animalistic about men that is to be desired. some of us more so than others. myself, i am a very sexual creature. i enjoy it all, and everything fascinates me to an extent. i enjoy the idea of being with a man for exploritory purposes, to explore different ways of feeling the same thing. because it's interesting, and fun, and animalistic and primal and i don't know any more ways to describe it. but it's something that i know i want, it's something that manifested itself in me when i was single. those that know me know that it manifested. half of austin knows it manifested. just kidding folks. i'm not paris hilton.

and let me put to rest the idea that i "may not be that interested in what i already have." what i have with my s.o. is something that is too incredible to describe. each time is different from the last and never the same. and i love him more than i've ever loved anyone. the bond i share with him on that intimate level only people with our kind of commitment are privilegded to feel makes everything with him incredible and unmatchable. and we both swear its a love and bond we've never experienced. and that is just something that could never be duplicated. and knowing that that's there at night or at the end of the day is something that gives me a security that is greater than any word could describe or encompass (and by that i mean marriage and monogamy).

but there's also so much more that's happened in my life that effects every aspect of my views and opinons and my life, that it's hard to even say that these are all definite and unchanging. what i've discovered about myself is that i have a drive to always be learning something or being interested in something for the sake of learning something or even just being entertained. i want to know what everything has to offer. but hey, i'm in no rush. i'll just learn what i've relearned over the past couple of weeks... take life day by day, that's the best we all can do.

and that's me. in a world unlike myself.