how quickly life changes when you're not paying attention.
wait, that's not right... oh that's right i was just high most that time. nevermind.
ok so yea...where to start. this is going to take a couple of entries so we'll just start with a general subject and work to the end, which is basically what every southern baptist probably hates and throws flaming bibles at; two gay men in love. but i digress, let's start with dick.
every man has one. every man loves their own. and sometimes, some men, love them on other men. that's right, i'm talking about dick. 100-percent-grade-A-all-american-prime-time-sunday-kilbasa-chorizo-tallywacker-meaty-man-made dick. and they... you know... with the... hmmm... sorry...what was i talking about?
oh yea, dick. so yea, men, they have dicks. big ones small ones some as big as your head. and for some guys, their head is their dick. but no. not us dignified ones who stand upright and function in every day society, no no no... sorry there dick but you're supposed to be tame and loyal and not be all whoosy woosey all over town like that. no, you're supposed to sit and stay and behave.
and that's fine. my dad, he was like that, everyone around me is like that. that's great. i'm big on it actually. i'm front row center, perkiest cheerleader.
but i've always been one for options.
tomorrow: options.
Apr 29, 2005
Apr 25, 2005
time to think
the significant other (SO) and i have been having problems. lots of em. but we've managed to stay together for over a year now. we've done the shopping and talking of husbands and house planning and children-name-picking, you know all the things people do when on the honeymoon phase of the relationship.
but i've always had concerns. such as "is this what i really want?" "am i staying cause of what's been planned?" "am i staying for me?"
and that answer becomes more and more clouded each day.
i spent 4 hours of my night last night on the phone with Bastrop, who i met before the SO came into the picture. we talked about everything, and i told him a lot of the stuff that went on in our relationship. and i have a new sense of things (from the o'so learn-ed position of a 37 year old fairly successful single gay man who's done relationships in ways i would never dare say out loud, more on that at a later date).
points of contention or otherwise what i thought were parts of fallible reasoning(mainly on my part).
1. little white lies of space and time -- it is NOT something to feel guilty for to have lied to get some alone time. this is a big one for me, cause the SO is all about the spending every waking (hell even non waking) hour together.... ALL OF THEM... where as i am more of the happy-go-lucky-take-things-as-they-go-things-will-go-where-they-will-go type person. and rightfully so, i'm 24 i got nothing but time. and wanting some of that time to myself is not a bad thing. nor is it something i need to feel guilty about, because it is something I want out of the relationship. and just because he's more squeezed for time doesn't mean i need to live by his schedule, no matter how "we compromise to be in a relationship" he is about it.
2. trust is something you earn -- and it's something i can't take lightly because it is something i give extra willingly. i believe in the good of the person, as cheesy as that sounds. i like to think i can give someone my trust and they won't up and betray me (even though i can give extra funds over and over to a special friend ofmine, but rarely ever get it back. shout out to my homie! you know i love you girl *and know when i'm old and feeble you're the one who's takin' care of my gimp ass). i meet you, you don't make me gag or make me want to cut myself, i trust you. that's just how i am. and no matter how few many times you came by to see if my car was warm *which Bastrop finished that sentence as soon as i said "did you know he used to come by my apartment to ...* or to see if the lights were on in my apartment, you still at some point in our relationship CHECKED on me. you had that little faith in me to do that. yes i can be outraged!
3. bilbo did it for destiny, i'm doin' it cause of guilt -- even this final time that i was on the phone with the SO i realized something. he guilts me into a lot, cause he knows i'm a person easily affected by guilt. i forget to turn my blinker on? i feel guilty. i don't have exact change? i feel guilty. i forget to buy a red pepper for a dinner i'm making? i feel guilty to each person i serve. and he knows how to make my guilt work for him. before our phone conversation i was fine with the break-up. but then he started with the i love the cook in you, and the way you do this,and this and this and you're cute when you this and blah blah blah. he know's my ways intimitely and knows what pulls my heart strings. and i have to remember that when i talk to him. i need to make decisions based on facts. not guilt.
so anyways. i'm supposed to be taking "time to myself" to figure this all out. and no matter how much i may bitch i still have immense feelings for this man. and nothing is ever as simple as a journal entry.
but i've always had concerns. such as "is this what i really want?" "am i staying cause of what's been planned?" "am i staying for me?"
and that answer becomes more and more clouded each day.
i spent 4 hours of my night last night on the phone with Bastrop, who i met before the SO came into the picture. we talked about everything, and i told him a lot of the stuff that went on in our relationship. and i have a new sense of things (from the o'so learn-ed position of a 37 year old fairly successful single gay man who's done relationships in ways i would never dare say out loud, more on that at a later date).
points of contention or otherwise what i thought were parts of fallible reasoning(mainly on my part).
1. little white lies of space and time -- it is NOT something to feel guilty for to have lied to get some alone time. this is a big one for me, cause the SO is all about the spending every waking (hell even non waking) hour together.... ALL OF THEM... where as i am more of the happy-go-lucky-take-things-as-they-go-things-will-go-where-they-will-go type person. and rightfully so, i'm 24 i got nothing but time. and wanting some of that time to myself is not a bad thing. nor is it something i need to feel guilty about, because it is something I want out of the relationship. and just because he's more squeezed for time doesn't mean i need to live by his schedule, no matter how "we compromise to be in a relationship" he is about it.
2. trust is something you earn -- and it's something i can't take lightly because it is something i give extra willingly. i believe in the good of the person, as cheesy as that sounds. i like to think i can give someone my trust and they won't up and betray me (even though i can give extra funds over and over to a special friend ofmine, but rarely ever get it back. shout out to my homie! you know i love you girl *and know when i'm old and feeble you're the one who's takin' care of my gimp ass). i meet you, you don't make me gag or make me want to cut myself, i trust you. that's just how i am. and no matter how few many times you came by to see if my car was warm *which Bastrop finished that sentence as soon as i said "did you know he used to come by my apartment to ...* or to see if the lights were on in my apartment, you still at some point in our relationship CHECKED on me. you had that little faith in me to do that. yes i can be outraged!
3. bilbo did it for destiny, i'm doin' it cause of guilt -- even this final time that i was on the phone with the SO i realized something. he guilts me into a lot, cause he knows i'm a person easily affected by guilt. i forget to turn my blinker on? i feel guilty. i don't have exact change? i feel guilty. i forget to buy a red pepper for a dinner i'm making? i feel guilty to each person i serve. and he knows how to make my guilt work for him. before our phone conversation i was fine with the break-up. but then he started with the i love the cook in you, and the way you do this,and this and this and you're cute when you this and blah blah blah. he know's my ways intimitely and knows what pulls my heart strings. and i have to remember that when i talk to him. i need to make decisions based on facts. not guilt.
so anyways. i'm supposed to be taking "time to myself" to figure this all out. and no matter how much i may bitch i still have immense feelings for this man. and nothing is ever as simple as a journal entry.
Apr 23, 2005
oddity
world so full
around - up - and through the bottom
people
all over falling off the face
people who kill
fighters who love
heros who disapoint
nobodies missing for years
dicotomy- rampant
and me
a little oddity in my own microcosm
whats "plus one" gonna do?
around - up - and through the bottom
people
all over falling off the face
people who kill
fighters who love
heros who disapoint
nobodies missing for years
dicotomy- rampant
and me
a little oddity in my own microcosm
whats "plus one" gonna do?
reflection
i found a note from an old friend. i'd met him on a weekend getaway on my birthday in dallas. cuter than i thought could go for me. a poet. a shared passion. a few other meetings. and now just an instant message or text every once in a while.
the note thanked me.
"thank you for leting me come over.
for the stories.
for all the kisses.
for the passion.
for being you."
i sometimes forget, just being me should be enough.
the note thanked me.
"thank you for leting me come over.
for the stories.
for all the kisses.
for the passion.
for being you."
i sometimes forget, just being me should be enough.
this pen smells funny
know what i hate about journal writing... never knowing what to write about. how would i ever make it as a writer when my handwriting can't even stay uniform from word to word.
i guess it could be worse. i could have no fingers to write with at all..... now that would suck. i mean i'd have to write with my toes, and no one borrows pens from "guy who writes with his feet."
i guess it could be worse. i could have no fingers to write with at all..... now that would suck. i mean i'd have to write with my toes, and no one borrows pens from "guy who writes with his feet."
life tumbles down
amazing how life changes when you've got nothing to do. college ends and if you're of the unlucky few who don't have a degree in engineering or business or some other corporate american drone degree you're basically fucked. believe me i've been "fucked" for about 8 months now and lemme tell ya never once have i had lube. after college there was nothing (other than the endless hours of job hunting). no more classes or obligations. no more meetings, notes, lectures or staring aimlessly into space. no more professors or dirty bathrooms with one ply paper that rips even if you're using a novel-sized amount. it all just .... stops.
when the universe knocks
so tonight it's down to one. me again. alone here in a body not my own. it's been an interesting trip this time around. where it all is going remains to be seen. back it's all come .... down to me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
