time to think

the significant other (SO) and i have been having problems. lots of em. but we've managed to stay together for over a year now. we've done the shopping and talking of husbands and house planning and children-name-picking, you know all the things people do when on the honeymoon phase of the relationship.

but i've always had concerns. such as "is this what i really want?" "am i staying cause of what's been planned?" "am i staying for me?"

and that answer becomes more and more clouded each day.

i spent 4 hours of my night last night on the phone with Bastrop, who i met before the SO came into the picture. we talked about everything, and i told him a lot of the stuff that went on in our relationship. and i have a new sense of things (from the o'so learn-ed position of a 37 year old fairly successful single gay man who's done relationships in ways i would never dare say out loud, more on that at a later date).

points of contention or otherwise what i thought were parts of fallible reasoning(mainly on my part).

1. little white lies of space and time -- it is NOT something to feel guilty for to have lied to get some alone time. this is a big one for me, cause the SO is all about the spending every waking (hell even non waking) hour together.... ALL OF THEM... where as i am more of the happy-go-lucky-take-things-as-they-go-things-will-go-where-they-will-go type person. and rightfully so, i'm 24 i got nothing but time. and wanting some of that time to myself is not a bad thing. nor is it something i need to feel guilty about, because it is something I want out of the relationship. and just because he's more squeezed for time doesn't mean i need to live by his schedule, no matter how "we compromise to be in a relationship" he is about it.

2. trust is something you earn -- and it's something i can't take lightly because it is something i give extra willingly. i believe in the good of the person, as cheesy as that sounds. i like to think i can give someone my trust and they won't up and betray me (even though i can give extra funds over and over to a special friend ofmine, but rarely ever get it back. shout out to my homie! you know i love you girl *and know when i'm old and feeble you're the one who's takin' care of my gimp ass). i meet you, you don't make me gag or make me want to cut myself, i trust you. that's just how i am. and no matter how few many times you came by to see if my car was warm *which Bastrop finished that sentence as soon as i said "did you know he used to come by my apartment to ...* or to see if the lights were on in my apartment, you still at some point in our relationship CHECKED on me. you had that little faith in me to do that. yes i can be outraged!

3. bilbo did it for destiny, i'm doin' it cause of guilt -- even this final time that i was on the phone with the SO i realized something. he guilts me into a lot, cause he knows i'm a person easily affected by guilt. i forget to turn my blinker on? i feel guilty. i don't have exact change? i feel guilty. i forget to buy a red pepper for a dinner i'm making? i feel guilty to each person i serve. and he knows how to make my guilt work for him. before our phone conversation i was fine with the break-up. but then he started with the i love the cook in you, and the way you do this,and this and this and you're cute when you this and blah blah blah. he know's my ways intimitely and knows what pulls my heart strings. and i have to remember that when i talk to him. i need to make decisions based on facts. not guilt.

so anyways. i'm supposed to be taking "time to myself" to figure this all out. and no matter how much i may bitch i still have immense feelings for this man. and nothing is ever as simple as a journal entry.