therapy

a number of years ago i was in high school. while there i met Ralph. Ralph and i never really knew knew each other in high school, but we were thrown into a chemistry class together at UT and so began our friendship.

ralph and i, both gay, met each other's respective boys at times and one of those times i was introduced to Santiago.

Santiago says that at our first meeting, i didn't like him at all, which is rarely true, because though there are times i know i won't like someone, mama always taught this boy to be nice and cordial and to not ruffle feathers, and as i think about it, i honestly doubt that i was just a complete and outright bitch to him. but i digress.

now a year down the road, ralph and i were friends, and in santi, a fellow "writer," i found a good friend. and a friendship started that would become what it is today.

non existent.

because friendship is a two way street and sometimes, when it becomes one way, someone will take their leave.

"A friend is one that accepts how one is, what one does (or not), and goes on in life being happy that we have the friendship.

Santi is just a year younger than me, but our worlds are so far apart, most would think that our friendship weird. A twink and a "bear" as he calls me, which i don't really agree with, as i don't necessarily like any label, but so be it, usually aren't seen together at a labor day weekend splash event rolling on x and having a ball.

did i mention i paid for the tickets for both of us, the x and g for the both of us, and never actually got a "thank you" for the great time had by all?

don't worry, i got used to it.

it started out simple. we'd go out, and me always having a job, and a family support system that always made it so that if i was in trouble i would have at least a little money (my family isn't rich at all. i'm saying that when i'd get down to broke, my mom would send an extra $20 that she could afford to send)(thank you both mom and dad by the way). i'd always manage to get both of us out. and not only did i drive us everywhere, i would by dinner, drinks, cover, hotel rooms -- anything that we needed i would make sure both of us were accomodated to a point that having a good time would not be stressful.

i did this for 4 years.

in all i've paid santiago's way in our friendship for a number of years. dinners, and lunches, movies and food, i'd buy him cigarrettes and food, hotel room stays and trips to dallas, i even drove him to get his mother or see his mother in dallas and ft. worth about 4 times, never asked for anything other than his company (no gas money or food money or stay money, nothing) and only 2 of those trips did i get a sincere thank you, and of all the things i've bought and paid for, like clothes and groceries and drugs and liquor and beer, you name it, about 20% of the time did i ever get a thank you. how do i know this, because i paid for it thank you, and i remember when people are appreciative.

but i never held any of it against him. santiago doesn't necessarily have the means always and my friendship and time with him meant more to me than any amount of money i would spend. he and brianna, being my best friends, our friendship meant more than what they could or can supply me with, so whatever needed to be done, i would do it.

i made sure that i accepted him, good times and bad, no matter what. because my friendship with him was invaluable to me. and i was happy enough with just his friendship.

did i also mention that at any time, santiago seemed to make it a point to always let me know a number of things: why are you wearing that girl? you've put on some weight girl! gross girl how can you stand being so hairy? well at least i'm not fat like you girl! well at least i'm not as old as you girl!

and each of those statements has about 10 variations and each one i've heard for the past 4 years anywhere from 2-10 times a week, depending on how much time in person or on the phone i spent with him.

but still, i wanted his friendship. his jabs, i wrote up to banter and didn't let them affect me.

but still, it does, even if only sometimes, anyone would feel the same.

and in the meantime, when ever he was in rough times, i was always there. always. i always made sure he wouldn't stay in a bad place for long. party nights, outtings, phone calls, therapy over the phone, whatever he needed to feel better, i was there to provide.

his brothers ganging up on him, "girl your brothers are just jealous of you," mother going through rough times, incredibly rough, "yea girl, we'll go this weekend, don't worry, we'll take care of her," paychecks gone before food, "yes girl, i'll buy your cigarrettes and wendy's," and only occasionally, a thank you, that if was at least given 75% of the time, where we are now, no longer friends, would never have happened.

i entered into a relationship about 2 and a half years ago. ric, older than i, about 20 years older, we're bound to have our share of conflict, conflict that in actuality is about 5% of the time, though since i don't talk to anyone about the abundance of good things, but need support through the bad times, seems like all the time to my friends (thank you brianna for recognizing that that isn't necessarily true).

santiago rarely has anything nice to say about him. in his relationship with ralph and javier, both of whom he fell for, hard, and later, dumped him and ended up in a relationship together despite how santiago would feel, i may have had my judgements, and i may have made my comments, but never once did i go without saying something encouraging or nice as well.

a few months ago, when out in our bastrop house, ric and i had a huge argument. no yelling, but a sudden flood of emotions, and i was overdramatic and left in a huff, on foot, back for austin.

santiago had his best friend in from ft. worth and they were at a record store. my best friend of 4 years didn't even fathom or give a second thought to somehow taking a whole hour out of his weekend with his friend to come and help out his other friend.

he would later say that he wasn't with his ft. worth friend, but was with javier. a lie to cover himself because i didn't like javier and what he did to santi, because i was there everytime santi was upset by javier, crying and helping him through his troubles with him. i heard all the crap javier threw at santiago and so i had my reasons to not like javier, but never once was i not nice as can be, and interested in javiers life when we were face to face. so that weekend, i decided, that if santiago couldn't even for an hour help me out, i didn't need his friendship, whatever reason or lie he had, i would think that anyone would do for their friend whatever needed to be done so they wouldn't walk the 45 miles back to austin.

but maybe that's just me.

a month or two passed by and we were friends again. i forgave santi, like i always, and was back to a point emotionally that i just enjoyed our friendship again, and over looked things that in most people would be bothersome.

like for instance taxi'ing him around whereever he needed to go, therapy, the store, work, whatever, and never once did i ask or accept money for gas, because i knew he wasn't in a place to do that logically and still be on his feet. and every single time he got in my car, cigarrettes, though i'm not a smoker, the radio on whatever station he could find with a song he liked, and when i'd turn it down, he'd turn it on LOUDER, and i would just have to scream at him in order to have a conversation.

but it was time together, and i just wanted to try and enjoy myself.

but sometimes, a lot of pushing, and someone will finally just leave.

having spent a lot of time together, i wanted to head to a party of someone who i thought i'd made pretty good friends with through santi, and maybe because of a drunken stupor, santiago agreed whole heartedly.

things got ugly.

the day of, under the dillusion that i was invited, and having never been told that i wasn't explicitly, i was trying to plan my day and figure out when i'd need to pick santiago up (again) and taxi him (again) to another party (again). but a series of dodges, and being told no word had come through to him, and i started to get the hint. out of jest i made a passing joke that maybe santi wasn't as invited as he thought he was.

then the jab.

"well maybe you shouldn't go, you might be a little to gay."

and i hung up.

as anyone who has met either of us would think, yes that was a little "pot calling the kettle black."

i relayed this story to ric, who at multiple times has felt just how disliked he was by santiago, even after having bought him things like $80 sunglasses, that he proceeded to lose, and buying him cab fare to my own 25th birthday party, and ric had my same reaction, "santi said THAT?"

i relayed this story to someone who doesn't even fully remember santiago, who met him at aforementioned party and the same reaction, worded differently, "of all the gays in austin, HE said THAT to YOU?!"

she met him for all of five minutes.

at that moment, i realized, i was fighting a losing battle.

what was i getting out of our friendship? was i even getting friendship back, i mean a week previous, having gone swimming, in one night, i heard how incredibly fat i was 19 different times, yes, i counted, i was drunk and i'm neurotic that way. 19 times was i told how fat i was, and 8 times how "disgustingly hairy" (santi's own word) i was. and i was CHOOSING to be in this friendship.

in the thirty minutes that followed, santiago changed his story 3 times, very reminiscent of the bastrop incident actually, and proceeded to try and make amends.

"she said it not me" (lie? didn't he say all day that he hadn't heard from her?)

"i said it because i don't know what she wants." (so then he hadn't talked to her afterall?)

"it's because her brother and friends will be there and they're rednecks"

also according to santiago, i'm apparently "really gay" in "large, new groups." which (1.) What the hell does that mean (2.) i go introvert in large groups, and (3.) when meeting new people my own self homophobia creates the "straight" persona and my voice deepens, my usual animation changes, my vocabulary reduces to what i deem as my "straight guy vocabulary," and i rarely do much of the talking.

and so thirty minutes later....

i told santiago finally, that i no longer wanted to be his friend. something that is so incredibly hard for me, because i always thought of him as my best of friends, just half millimeter below brianna, but so incredibly important to me, that losing him would dim my life. but i finally just had it. i couldn't take it anymore and so i told him, that we were over.

so here we are today. i have my therapy session today. a sentence i never thought would be uttered by me. but in actuallity, my world is so much brighter because of it. i have been happier than i have EVER been in my entire life for the past 3 months because of it. i have learned so much about myself and have gotten rid of a lot of the negativity i have surrounded and cloaked myself with that i deemed necessary in order to stay sane.

how foolish.

these days i wake up every morning, happy. not happy in the i just got laid way, but happy in the, i am alive way. and for 3 months this has been happening, and life actually feels like life now. it's amazing what just a little talking and self analizing will do for you. no more endless sleeping, or drinking or smoking pot every single night. now it's exercise and eating right and enjoying things like my dogs and our clients and hour long conversations with brianna and my mom and my sister, and discovering finally all the joy that life can bring.

A friend is one that accepts how one is, what one does (or not), and goes on in life being happy.

8.16.06

in quiet passing

at night
alone, in thought
i rape
myself

tear myself
limb from heart
and i think

my
what a quiet passing

that young man that never grew up
that adult man that never allowed innocence
that man who simply
survives

in quiet passing
i am
the worst
i've ever been
there are things that i
like a small child
turn away from
and shun
that they'd disappear
a dream

but in daylight
nightmares
of inadequacies
of the insignificant parts of me
that become the giant adversary that in quiet passing
steals me from reality
drowns me in

violent indigo reveries
my body bruised and tender
i am my worst fear
the avatar of my own demise
i know exactly where the knife belongs
i know which scabs draw the greatest blood
the greatest pleasure
and what truly breaks me
into submissision
convulsive desolation
to a level deeper than my core

hard times

i know
there's been some times
hard
through melancholy
though blind
i see

it's rough here
easy there
never knowing
in betweens
ours is ups

then lows

you rivers
i beams
extremes and calms
nothing in between

then
we wonder
why never middles?
that shortcut
to love
that i know exists
between

and now
hard times
abound
heavy on breath

and heat in sleep

i watch you
wish
that when i weep
that tears
of devotion
would heal all your needs
words often hollow
do only so much

what you need is more than i can offer in thought or in touch

i try
my hardest
sow for us love
what brought you to me
so now
in hard times

let me take care of us
until we can take care of you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

i know that there's been some hard times
even through melancholy, though blind, i still see
it's rough here easy there
never knowing the in betweens
ours is ups and lows, you rivers and i beams
extremes and calms and so it never seems
that for us a middle exists
a shortcut to love that's you and me

and now hard times abound
heavy on breath and heat in sleep
i watch you and wish that if i would weep
that tears of devotion would heal your needs
cause words are hollow and can do so much
what you need is more than i can offer in thought or in touch

but i want to try my hardest, and sow for us love
that thing that brought you to me
so right now in hard times i want you to see
that i want you to let me take care of us
until we can take care of you.

************************************************

a poem, for you, because sometimes i know not how to do anything else. -j

because my friends have the best writers

so yea, i know it's been a while. but a lots gone on.

ric and i broke up and got back together. i've been working... a ton. life in general is one big job. i've been in therapy and seeing less and less of gordon the imaginary man that haunts me in the car. and the voices in my chi chi have subsided and now i just listen to rosie and her five friends.

and if you got all that and still think i'm funny, keep on.

so yea, i'll try to be more consistent in the blog up keep and even try more of working on the poetry archive stuff (possible xmas book?)

anyways. so i figured, shout out to the to bff's. and a funny story to boot.

lasantiquicshabonifalatifajackson:

everyone already knows bout the misadventures he's prone to have, so i'll let him relate his own funny stories. sorry santi, but you just haven't been funny enough lately to warrant an anectdote from me. i know "jaime is such a bitch."

so what else is new?

banana:

this story was related to me last week. and i just thought it funny.

so at one point bri was living with her sister and mom here in austin a while back. she had this one night job that had he working odd hours and going to school and life was generally, well life.

so one night, brianna comes home and is a bit on the stressed side and finds her way to the fridge. for three nights in a row, a slice of cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory (or purgatory on a serving platter to the rest of us) has been sitting in it's perfect little carrying case taunting and soliciting lascivious looks from bri, and tonight she's had enough. the cheesecake was getting it.

the following day, upon returning to the fridge for her abandoned slice of cheese cake, JB, her sister decides its time to down the delictable now 4 days old, opens the box and finds a ransom note, reading:

if you ever want to see your precious slice of cheese cake you'll bring me another slice. signed, the cheesecake bandit.

i thought it was hilarious, fuck you if you don't, cause my friends truly have the best writers.