one

it's now just past midnight. parents got here a bit ago.

when my dad leaves the room, my mom asks about rick.

for those who care, we broke away from each other on tuesday.

i don't know what to do exactly. i have a huge hole now in my life, and i live on quite fine. i cried so much when we were together, that now i don't have the energy to cry anymore. but when my mom asks, and i cover up or keep it simple so i don't get into detail, i feel on the verge of tears.

then i think to my sister who he's met a couple of times, and how she'll be and how she'll take it (she really liked him). but i can't bring myself to say it to either of them, hell, this is the first time i've owned up to it since it happened (and no, i don't think it's because i'm in denial. i'm just ... i feel like i just don't want to. only he and i really know what happened in our relationship, it's no one else's business but our own).

then i think back to how much i did cause of him. how i broke rules i had set up just to appease him, like the "i don't talk about men to my family" rule, i remember now why i had those in the first place.

then there are times i'm caught off gaurd when i'm doing nothing in perticular and i'll remember good things; this one time, i was having a nightmare or something, and i did that wake-up-in-the-middle-of-a-scream type things and just once i yelped, 'ric!' and bam, he was awake and making sure i was ok. or just walking with him and how he'd pull on the back of my jeans and just whisper any of his little nicknames for me, how my heart just jumped.

him and i being done is the straw that broke the horses back, cept this time it was my spirit.

good night all. god bless.