revolution

so a while back i wrote evolution, a piece on what i thought it meant to be.... well i don't know what really inspired it but it was something i knew i had to get down on paper.

i've been thinking about it a lot lately so i decided to go back and re-read it. and when i did i started realizing, "i haven't been listening to myself."

back then i knew the potential for haplessness that ignoring the fact you're in a transitory period in your life, or one that you were "evolving," would bring you.

wow that was a sentence. ok, basically, i've forgotten how it can be counterintuitive to attempt a relationship during a period of serious self-evolution, or being in transition. it would explain a lot of the tension and negativity, at least some of it, in my relationship with the ex-so, and honestly, in my day to day life.

when i met him i was in my final hours at ut. i was going to graduate and i was ready and willing to begin with him as i began my life after college. my my my how things got screwed. who remembers the last minute "oh you need summer school" then "oh you need 3 more hours" then the "learn a subject in two days." and now 9 months of being without work (and actually it's been a year technically since i've had a job, a first since age 17). that's massive folks. that's emotional rollercoaster designed by psycho killer. no wonder the break downs and frustration with life. that's not jaime. that's alter-ego jaime, the jaime every body knew has been in hibernation, waiting for the time to come forward and be again, but for now alter ego jaime is having his fun while he has time and enjoying life for what it’s worth when you just have nothing to do (but at the same time is still uberrobot-job-applying-machine, never fo’get to reprezent!).

none-the-less... it's not a good time for me. i've not been being real jaime, you know? i'm learning every day and being tested. every day is a trial, a test to see how much exactly my self esteem and ego can take. and it's hard. it's fucking hard. every day i sit here in this small stark white room devoid of human contact not counting emails back and forth between the best friend and i and even then not all the time but sitting alone for hours on end hating my apartment that has kids screaming constantly annoying loud tejanomexicanselenaloving a-holes staring at a computer screen for hours upon hours days on end looking through listings that are just out of my reach cause they're looking for people who are almost me, exept for a lack of experience, age, seniority, clout -whatever and it's been a long taxing 9-month-test in anger-management, self value and worth in the face of constant negativity and blows to my ego and person, and it's changing me and making me stronger and i'm learning more and more about myself and asserting myself and my self worth by slowy learning that i can't make everyone happy 100% of the time and that sometimes my feelings and opinions count just as much and have to be recognized by me and validated by me by following through on those opinions and feelings.

i needed not to be in a relationship. i was evolving, how could i expect to be able to handle a relationship on top of everything else in my life?

it's clarity. something i've been praying and asking for, because asking and praying for a job wasn't the right thing to ask for, because that's the end result, i needed the means. i had to become clear in my mind what exactly i wanted before i could actually have it. and i'm getting it now, i'm getting that clarity i think.

and i'm learning. and changing, and it's hard to be in relations with someone on an intimate level because you don't exactly know yourself yet on an intimate level. how can you when you're changing and evolving every day. i'm not stable by far, each day for me is different and brings new challenges and questions, it makes me volatile, everything changes quickly, it's not a steady normal routine and shouldn't be, cause if it was i would really drive myself crazy. it's always different.

i once remember reading a story about this type of situation actually. i know it was in a girly magazine, i can't remember what it was though. but it was a letter from this girl talking to a columnist about how amazing her boyfriend was because they had been together for 3 years then she learned that she knew she needed some time on her on to live her life before she could commit at all to this guy anymore. and he did it. he let her go. for 2 or 3 years (i seriously can't remember) she was on her on and he was on her own. they talked in-frenquently because he knew how important it was to her to be on her own. and of course this guy went about his life as well, as if he were on his own. lo and behold she came back to him as she said she would and they were happily married and she was more in love with him than ever before. and i think that's amazing. that's what i would hope someone would do for me. that's the kind of person in general i would want to be with, because that quality... ug... how to explain ... the person who would be able to do something like that, by being able to do that, it speaks immensly about that person and how they think, and love, and live their lives. and that's the type of person i would want.

but to be honest, in actuality, he would offer the option to me sometimes. he would offer the option to take off from the relationship for how ever long i needed, no time frame though that i could give would be definite though because i don't know exactly what will be happening in 2, 4, or 6 months from now. and he insisted on rules while taking that time off that would limit my time to enjoy my life and that’s not what taking time off is about. it's simply not logical to try and make any definitive assertions about my future at this time because it can take me anywhere it wants to. and i don't feel i really could have taken the option with out him taking it incredibly personally, there by ending it completely. i knew he wouldn't truly understand it or understand it on my level and accept it. it would have been an attack by me or a betrayal because it goes against what i said in the past.

and that's illogical. i am allowed to change my opinion as much as the next person, it's not a personal attack on a the other person though, and i feel that's how he would have taken it. what it comes down to is that maybe it just wasn't the right time for me. what if that's just it. that's all. nothing meant by it, it exists in a vacuum. simple as that, least in utopia it'd be.

and also i know someday down the road say in 8 to 15 to even 50 years from now these and all my opinions and postions on issues could change. i mean it's to be expected. it doesn't mean i'm a duplicitous person. and i need to remind myself that that's ok, it's more than ok, it's human.

here endeth the lesson.

(kuddos to anyone who gets that reference and it's significance.)