at&t, for all your jesus needs

so we're in bed the other night and ric is flipping through the channels. not so much flip as stop for a full fucking 30 seconds on a station that has anything remotely eye catching. we're talking the worst of the worst from dmovies on lifetime about a mom who's son is beating her while taking roofies and screwing the family dog who has an unatural relation with the bad boy step father to be who's sleeping with her second cousin a day before their wedding.

no joke.

seriously the taste in programming is HORRIBLE. i refine my pallet on the best of the best, and he's feasting on wife swap. oh my god who the hell watches THAT crap. it's crapilicious in it's crapitude. people PAY to advertise during this show? does no one else see the horror. oh god the horror!

moving on.

so he's flipping right, and by this time we're watching 4 shows at the same time and i'm just sitting there thinking "but does he actually understand and know what's going on?" and he decides to flip one more time and pops in on station 54.... the eternal worshipping channel or whatever it is, EWTN.

oh jesus, end it now and let my death be quick.

seriously, this woman is drolling on and on about her son, who killed someone in cold blood, is still her son and that jesus would save her and help her and that his forgiveness was eternal and how jesus would take care of her and blah blah blah. believe what you want, i'm all for jesus. god? my main man. but eternal worship channel? fuck me gently with a chainsaw please. no thank you.

then. in all seriousness of seriousness, in the bottom right hand corner, "for a personal relationship with god, call, 1-800-***-****," no way! seriously?! does jesus have a red telly, like the mayor of gotham city? that is so cool.

wait. that's all I needed? you mean i could have spared myself eons of sundays wasted in sunday school, eating stale bread, and gettin' hopped up on the blood of christ, (by the way, jesus? lay off the chardonnay man, you're tastin' kinda funky there bud), and not to mention the humiliation of the hokie pokie you call confirmation, and baptism? hello, water, cold, baby, me, no. i could have forgone all that for a 1-800 number direct line to a relationship with jesus?

bless you EWTN in all your infinite godlinessess. you're awesome. primo on the direct line to god.