difficulty

we met 4 years ago, it was a one night stand and he came to me. it was in my apartment that first night that i knew "god this is the guy" and the sex that night.... was amazing (and from someone that by 23 when we had met had had enough experience to know when it was amazing). we tapped into something in each other that i had never had with any of the dozens upon dozens (ok lets be honest, hundreds) of those before, and i the same for him. but he was just out of a bad relationship, one that affected ours profoundly, and after that night, we had no contact.

we met up twice more over 8 months. each time, only to disappear again.

then that night. i walked into rainbow cattle company, and there as i stood alongside my friends, i glanced over my shoulder to the left, and as i whipped back, he caught my eye. my heart... stopped. i stared forward, intent on my nonchalance, remembered that i had to breathe, and let out an audible gasp.

"shit."

santiago turns to me and in hushed concern, asks, "what?"

"ric. shit."
"daddy ric?"
"yea. shit."
"where?"
"2 o'clock. shit"
"he smiled at me."
"shit."

and when i saw those eyes, the ones i couldn't look into that first night we met cause i was so humbled that this incredibly handsome man was in my home, and that smile, the one i would only end up missing now, from that moment on, we were inseparable.

and the good times. they were good. they were amazing. we were laughter, smiles... we were what each other were waiting for. he was my dream, come to life. walking, breathing, flesh. his skin, the pelt of fur resting rightly on his torso, those eyes, his lips, the taste of him in the morning, the feel of him in my mouth, at night- security. like no other.

and lets not kid. the sex, i had had sex. lots of it. i was ACTIVE before we met. and he knew, affected him? "no, of course not." but behind that look, doubt.

but our sex... our lovemaking... our fucking... all of it.... epic. we brought out the primal in each other. it was with him, in those intimate moments, that i became, more, a person i had never encountered before. the preening, breeding horse hidden, i opened myself to things i never thought of, but had always wanted, fantasies to reality. what more could one want?

to erase the 1% of bad times.

because despite the peaks of those mountains, there for are the valleys.

in those moments when it was so dark, what could we do. we fought for it. we yelled for it. we cried for it. we held each other through it. we tried everything to keep it together, because to each of us, the threat of loss.... the threat of loss can maim. keep hearts, senses, touch, minds-- at bay, till you're unsure what it is you're doing exactly.

where do all of these tiny scars left behind lead us? how do you rebuild trust, etched at over time, by the stupid, by the words unbridled and hurled in anger, by the guilt, by the fear, by the love.

stalemate. we'd danced our dance, a dark bacchanal. though back together, a functioning unit, beneath- red eyes.

both of us, exhausted, our armor heavy, and inside, tender and bruised, we were quick to snap. but was that it? what if it was more. what if all i'd been feeling for so long, and all he'd claimed to have accepted, what if that was all trying to tell us something.

and so, a month after our anniversary, and days before he turned 48, i ended our relationship.

i had to let him go. we had stopped growing. there are three of us in a relationship, him, me, us. none were growing. we had stopped, complacent and comfortable in the sun and the moon, we had just....stopped. and though the motions kept at it, inside, i knew something had to change. you weren't happy. i wasn't happy.

"so then, that's our dream, to be happy."
"to being happy."

do you remember?

you will never read this. anger like ours blinds.

i pray for you quietly in the moments- still- where a glance becomes a memory, and i remember your voice. i remember your smell. i remember our love.

happy birthday rickie, i love you and miss you so much it kills.

(c. 10/17/2007)